Droplets from the voyage of a trans-woman

So, I got this thing starting. I have written before that I'm poly-amorous. I'm starting one poly-relationship and not with CS. CS is mono-amorous. Today, I went "for coffee" (=date) with CS, and confessed to her again. She was very aware of my feelings and she answered to me that she tried to find feelings towards me but didn't find any. I have read that from her although I really didn't know what I have read. Now that Certain Someone isn't really certain anymore, it will take some time and though that I could get over her. I have tried before, I couldn't. But now I have some kind of relationship so I might actually be able to get over this constant thinking and missing of her. I got my resolve. And the biggest problem for her was that I resembled too much of her little sister. So it might have been bit too awkward for her. It might be for the best after all that we will just stay friends. And because of this another relationship, it was best for th

Whoa, it's been a while. Well, better late than never, right? So, today was second treatment conference, as I got diagnose about a year ago. There was specialist nurse and specialist psychiatrist along with me. And I arrived almost 15 mins late, thanks to busses. First one bus didn't come and second one broke down 😩. But, I sent email about being late when I got to the bus as I knew that I will be late, because it will take more than half an hour from where I live now to the TAYS. At least it tells about working public transportation if I was only 15 mins late even with those setbacks. But, the meeting itself. They sent some papers for me to fill and bring with me, it was just another survey of my mental state. Doctor asked how I felt and how hormones have worked and got himself to the map. Whole meeting was quite walkover for me as AFAIK they reserved whole hour for the meeting and I was out in half an hour 😂. The doctor will write opinion for the endorsement for me and

One and a half weeks again. At least there has been some progress in the process. After seeing the specialist nurse on 10th of this month, she said that she will talk about me in their weekly team meeting, but also that she has to leave early from the meeting on 12th so it might take another week. So it did, and she sent a text message to me on last week's Friday. The doctor will write a medical certificate for me without seeing me, so I can change my name as soon as possible. That was great news! But as they have quite much work there, I thought that it might take more than a week for the certificate to arrive. And it still hasn't, I wonder if I'm able to change my name within this month, or will it take another week for the certificate to arrive. As it has to be sent by snail mail. Even the thought that I'm finally able to change my name is feeling so good. I wish the certificate would arrive ASAP. Last week I was hit to the face with the laser again. I didn't

There has been couple of things lately which might have had major impact to my mental health. Dyeing my hair to violet, starting to use makeup daily and using high heel shoes. I started to read manga again as well. And not just any manga, shoujo-ai and yuri manga. It has been quite a ride and voyage, but I feel like I'm not trying to be a woman anymore. Because I am woman. The feeling has come very stealthy, but firmly. For a good while already, I have seen myself as a woman when I have seen myself from half-reflective surface, like window, but it's bit newer thing that I'm "going through" to myself when I look myself from mirror. And very lately the feeling has finally reached inner me. I don't have to look to the mirror to see myself as a woman. More like when I look or see some part in myself, like legs, I see them as feminine. When I realized that what has changed in my mind today, I even cried a little. I'm finally feeling I'm Mira. I'm no

Today was DesuTalks and I was photographing there. Only as general photographs around as it was too small event for studio, and rest of the studio crew was elsewhere anyway. I have read much shoujo-ai and yuri (=girl love) manga lately. I'm not so sure how good idea it has been. During the event, I was surrounded by familiar people. And I still missed CS. Even when there was literally someone I know (and who knows me) in the shouting distance all the time. I'm not sure if I was feeling alone because of the yearning or some other reason even though I was happy to be there and see people. The manga I have read lately has been digital and "free", and couple of them were so good that I wanted to buy them. And as I was in the centrum of Helsinki, I went to Fantasiapelit. Unfortunately someone has just couple of hours before bought the last copy of last volume of one of the mangas I wanted. So I ordered it to Tampere as there was plenty in the warehouse. And bought some

Late again. Migraine is torturing me and sucking all the spare energy I have. I noticed that when I started to use heeled shoes about one and half months ago that little by little I started to get more and more migraine attacks. The situation has been quite cumbersome lately, I'm having almost constant migraines. I think there might three reasons why. First reason is the shoes itself. I'm using my back differently and that have caused muscle tension, which have gone up in the back and to my shoulders. As my back and especially shoulders have been quite sore lately. Second reason is weather. As it has cooled down, it might have done things to my head. For some reason autumn is worst time of the year for my migraine, even though I love this weather otherwise. It starts to be dark in the evening and fall's colors are painting the trees. I just love it so much. 💜💛 And I also thought about summer. It was really hot and humid, which is the worst trigger for my migraine, b

Lot of things and not so much time has passed again. Last weekend was Tracon. Went pretty smoothly and I took every bit out of it I could. So much socializing and doing things. And I went through so consistently it starts to frighten me. I still don't feel that my voice is through-going but when I look how people react to me and talk to me, I'm definitely going through. No doubt! One of the guests of honor made this quite clear to me even though I didn't say one word to him that I'm trans. Although being very goth with high-heeled boots helped with going through as gothism is still perceived as feminine thing. And people called me crazy when I danced in 12cm high heels in the evening party on saturday 😂. The guest of honor also complimented my favourite necklace ❤. On tuesday I went to phonotherapy clinic. The doctor there interviewed me a bit, asked me to read short text and even him said that my voice is quite through-going and that my work haven't gone in th

Damn, I'm late. It has been so hectic that days have flied by. First half year on HRT. Everything is going somewhat smoothly. I went to see doctor in hormone clinic week ago, which was just light checkup that everything is OK. Just to check that hormones work and I don't have anything problems. The doctor didn't even touch me, which surprised me a bit. But, like I though, they wrote blood tests at the visit, so going there in two weeks, as I have to go there on wednesday morning, because of hormone levels will be checked and that is the day when the patches are at their weakest on a weekday. I wonder what those would be. My colleague's wife is doing presentation about transpeople at medical school, so she interviewed me. Couple of simple questions how the process progresses and how I feel about things, and I answered with couple of walls of text 😂. Also linked this blog as my memory seems to be quite unreliable nowadays, easier for both, as I have written this for

Little bit of a pause again. Although this time I have excuse related to the process. The risen dosage of estradot finally started my mood swings. The magnitude is rather small-ish but I started to have much more good days and bad days. Not much average days, nothing like year ago. But this is so much better, even with the bad days. It means I'm finally living, not just surviving. Although there have been bit more bad days lately for some reason, so it has been hard to start writing blog post. Some of it might be caused by exhaustion from work. 5 weeks of vacation did its thing and now my body is trying to adjust to normal daily life again. The boots I linked in last post came and they fit! I also ordered wedge high heels , which I planned to be my daily shoes. With what I almost killed my feet, because I didn't realise how tight you have to tighten the laces so your feet get enough support for those crazy 10cm heels and not destroying your toes. And because of that, my big

One sweaty month has passed again. Most of it by vacationing. So, the month has been rather quiet as massive heat wave hit Finland and it has been around 30°C and my apartment is not much cooler. And I don't even have a fan. In the middle of the month, three weeks ago on monday my estradot dosage was risen to 100µg. I haven't felt much of a difference in feeling generally. Or the changes are so sneaky that I don't notice them. There have been couple of things I have noticed this month. Body hair is starting to get more translucent and thinner. Starting from tummy area, again, like when my skin started to get softer. My (head) hair grows longer and looks better. I haven't checked how big the thinned area is currently but the baldness is also curing, which is great news. Although I also noticed that my brows grows hair pretty much all over the place, much higher in the forehead than before HRT. Tweezers to the rescue! 😆 Another thing which has happened extremely sn

I'm telling more-than-usual in this post, in uncensored manner, I apologize in advance. Also sorry if I use strange words as especially medical vocabulary is still unknown to me (I rely to google translate quite a much). If you are asexual (I know there are several in the readers), you might want to stop reading now. It's not over-the-top but much more than before. So, I want to talk about what hormones has done to me, when I still remember the time before I even started the voyage seriously over a year ago. What physical changes has happened and what mental changes has happened. I have told at least most of the mental changes but not all the physical. Let's start with the physical changes. My skin, muscles, erection, ejaculation, sensation, boobs, face, feet, hair (both in head and around the body), response to alcohol, pee and sweat has changed more or less. So, going through those one by one. My skin started to get softer quite soon after starting HRT. Starting

10 years of dark and rainy monday is starting to be left behind. But that doesn't mean it would be sunny weekend. Yet. Vacation. I have waited it for so long. 5 weeks of doing nothing. Watching anime. Playing video games. Maybe some dancing and having fun. Yesterday was Aicon. Our studio was there. So very silent convention in studio. But I did get little bit of my socializing needs at least. And I finally bought nemuneko! It is big, white and it has silver crown. I named her Umi-sama. Umi, because one of the meanings of Mira is ocean as well. And she has the crown so obviously she should be addressed as -sama. Umi-sama also reminded me about something. As I bought it mostly to be "hug-friend" and it's size is perfect for hugging, I had anxiety attack tonight. I hugged Umi-sama the whole evening, unable to let go. There is one part of in the way I socialize with people which I miss and need. Physical touch. I have written before how much I value it. And now

One month has passed again. It has been also whole year already when I wrote the very first blog post. I'll start with the past month. It has past relatively slowly and that isn't a bad thing. Medication works and only reason I have gotten several migraines is the climate, it has been too hot and humid for me. My face has continued to reshape itself, boobs have grown and I'm going through very consistently already. I also started to use pants, for couple of reasons. First, my skirt's zipper is breaking up, so it is hard to open and close. Second, it is SO MUCH easier to go to toilet with pants as my skirt is so loose that it will hit the ground no matter what I do and it is so long, heavy and sits so low on my hip that lifting it up doesn't work. Third, I started to go through better. Well, I'm blending to the crowd now as some humorous shirt isn't enough for people to think I'm weirdo. But the skirt was. It was rather surprising how much it affected.

Being drunk is interesting. It makes you think things from different perspective. Tonight, I have thought about the harsh contradiction in myself. In one end, there is the tech head. My work. Things I love to do with computers. Gaming. In another end, there are the girly things. Starting from makeup and clothes, ending to how I carry myself and how I observe world and imitate it. In third end, there is my bad side. How grim and self-reliant I am. And partly reflecting that, my ability to read people way better than I would like to. In the fourth end is what I want to show to the world. That I'm neutral, optimistic and liberal, can get along with everyone, I don't prejudge. I give certain amount of trust to everyone. And depending on your actions I judge you and you will either gain or lose trust. That is bit bad combination. In the history of mine, there are several occurrences when I have hitted below the belt with words very hard. I do it unconsciously when I'm pissed

There is something going on in my mind, which has started way over a year ago and have evolved very slowly and almost unnoticed. I don't know what exactly started it, but the way my mind works has changed. Two years ago, I was rather introvert, doing things by myself or with spouse, exhausting from socialising and ignoring other people. Last weekend was desucon, on sunday I searched for someone to go eat lunch with, and couldn't find anyone. Almost skipped the whole meal but I was too hungry so went anyway. Tables were rather full but there was one end of an table, to where I went to eat. Moments later some other volunteers came to that spot as well. Before I would have just ignored them, concentrating to my own food and leaving ASAP. But I listened them and talked with them. And after getting back home, I was just physically exhausted as I'm not used to take pics all day. Mentally I was the opposite. And I didn't even got the dose I wanted. So, from where this need

Not much has happened in these couple of days but writing something anyway as I felt like it. I'll start from yesterday. I went shopping with Certain Someone ^__^. She had to buy a gift for her friend and I asked her to help me to choose makeup. We also went to eat in Maruseki and had some coffee and otherwise good time. Loved it <3. And I poured quite a much money to makeup, but I have a feeling I made good choices. Foundation, dark circle concealer, purple lipstick, eyeshadow palette (Love you so mochi) and doll eye mascara from NYX, liquid eyeliner, perversion, from urban decay (didn't realize it was from urban decay until now, no wonder it felt so good when I tried it) and white highlighting fluid from urban decay as well aaaand powder from lumene. Almost 200€ in total 😱. But those will last for a while. And when I tried them a little bit, just bit something to see how shades matches each other and to my skin tone and I like my purchases already very much. They match

Third month went surprisingly slowly. Much slower than second. But a lot happened. In the start of the month, I got quite a lot hot waves. More on patch change days and bit less day after, maybe some in other days as well. My body was signaling that it is time to ramp up the dosage. And time for that was in the middle of the month, on monday 14th of may. I got quite serious hot waves on that day and day after, but none after those. I wonder how long it will take to those appear again. My boobs started to grow as well for real. On the week just before the time the dosage was increased, my nipples got really sensitive. To the point that the own weight of my boobs were enough that breathing hurted. That didn't last for long fortunately. Although my boobs have been more or less achy after it and still are. My bras started to feel ..loose as well, so I ordered 80B, which are perfect fit. Which also means I have to buy 80C soonish. And that is actually funny. Measuring with tape all

Somewhat silent week. Let's go through it. So, on monday the estradot dosage was raised to 75 micrograms. It have affected surprisingly much to my mental health. And maybe boob growth. I'm finally able to somewhat cry. When I look emotional anime, I might cry drop or two when I just had heavy feeling on chest before. Even easier than before. It feels relieving. All the other emotions have increased amplitude as well, also the bad ones, unfortunately. My depression has gotten bit worse, not much but it's hard to get out from shower again and my general feeling has been bit low. It has affected my work as well, it's harder to get things done again. Which is bit unfortunate. I should tell about this to my boss, if this doesn't get better soon. My mood has lowered so fast that I'm not expecting it to stay for long. As I think this is part of the mood rollercoaster I was hoping for. What I have read about how fast hormones should have effects and what kind of effe

Looks like I forgot to write a week ago. Oh well. Let's sum up the past two weeks then. Last weeks monday, 30.4., was my new name day. I even marked that to my own calendar as it would take a while for me to remember it. It was rather dull day otherwise, I visited my parents but that was it. Rest of the week was just usual struggling through life. Not much happened other than work and sleep. This weeks wednesday I was hit to the face with a laser again. It was third time. And it hurted even less than last time. It really starts to be bearable, although I hope I don't have to use all those 10 times. It still hurts anyway. But this time I got really small second degree burns, which included vesicles. They looked like pimples as they were so small! But, I used some basic cream to heal the burns so they healed pretty quickly, there isn't anything visible anymore. And next time will be after little over a month, in the end of June. Yesterday was Popcult Day, in which our p

Wait, what? Already? Where that month went? Well, not much has happened this month. Like the gynecologist said, let's go slowly. My boobs are about the same size, my face fat has moved a little more, more muscles has gone away. Most of the things has happened in my head. I helped my cousin to move yesterday as I have truck driver's license and it was much easier to move with bigger car than van from Tampere to Valkeakoski. It underlined how much I have lost muscles. He had 16kg kettlebell, which I wasn't able to get up using only one arm. I have my finger power still pretty much intact so hanging it with two fingers wasn't any problem, but getting it anywhere above my hip required both hands and serious effort. 16kg kettlebell! So I wasn't wrong when I thought that most of the muscles has gone from my shoulders and hands as my shoulders has been quite sore today, as well as my lower back. But I will just say: Finally. Although that might make my work harder when

Sunday again, summing up. Kinda lot happened this week, especially on weekend. More voice training and friends meeting up, dancing, movie and thinking Let's start with the start of the week. Monday and tuesday was rather dull otherwise but I have noticed that patch change days are bit hard mentally, it's hard to concentrate to anything and I get hot waves. Wednesday I learned that my mom was transferred to Tampere University Hospital (TAYS for short) as her condition didn't improve in the local hospital. Well, easier for me to visit her and I paid a visit on thursday. And my brother sent me message yesterday that the medication started to work so things are going to better way. Which was reassuring to hear. On friday, well, I don't even remember much what happened then. We went to Star & Moonlight to have lunch, habanero lamb with garlic naan. And I ate half a liter of very sweet ice cream (brand was geisha but I think it's local thing) on top of it as "

It's sunday again so time to sum up the week. I have finally noticed some effects the lack of testosterone causes and have tried to enjoy myself. I also changed my name in private medias. I noticed couple of days ago that even though my weight hasn't practically changed (changed up and down within one kilogram), my tummy has gotten bigger. So, my body is really eating my muscles finally. I haven't noticed from where but my shoulders has been sore so at least from there. And I think that's where I have most of the unused muscles. Hopefully my shoulders will get less sloping and neck to thin out. It might sound anorectic but it is not. I have just bit too much extra. I have started to actually like my shins. Especially when I use tights. And my tummy area has that little fattines which I would like to get away as well. And that subject is actually quite interesting. My beauty standard has changed within a year. What I thought was too thin is OK now, or maybe I'm j

Yet another week. Heart rate has been bit of challenge. So, I raised spironolactone to 100mg on monday and left orloc away completely on thursday. I'm still feeling consequences of that. Especially today has been extremely interesting. I went to see a good friend and drank couple of ciders and she did some pizza and we talked about stuff. I didn't feel anything out of ordinary, other than I felt hot. Like after running for a while. Then I checked my heart rate. 115 bpm. Alright. And that went even further during the evening. It was consistently over 100, mostly around 110 and 120 while idling but when I stood up, it got around 140 or more. But, it doesn't feel bad. Other than that feeling of after running 100m as fast as you can. But, orloc is beta blocker so what you really expect, especially after eating it for two years. So, I will monitor myself for couple more days. I have also drank some alcohol, which raises the heart rate even more. I'm guessing that it woul

So, my hormone replacement therapy started four weeks and three days ago. The start was bit rocky as my migraine inhibitors interfered with it. I got something, which was most likely hyperkalemia. After that incident, I continued with lower dosage for one week, gradually getting dosage to the designated level, which will happen tomorrow. The very start was interesting. I didn't have any expectations really what it would feel like. So it was quite a surprise that ten minutes after applying the patch I got any feelings. And those initial feelings are pretty much only thing I have felt after that. Those went away in between and they come back every now and then, especially after drinking alcohol. And only way to describe them is very mild tipsiness. Like what you get right after first beer, or bit milder than that. I haven't noticed much physical or mental changes, yet. I think my boobs have either changed shape slightly or grown or both. I might be bit more emotional than mon

Bit over a week from last post. 25th day of HRT, laser, convention and drinking. So, it's been bit over three weeks from the start of HRT. Spironolactones dosage was raised to 75 mg on thursday and I saw my occupational doctor on wednesday, and I'm going to see neurologist on next wednesday. When I told to my "own doctor" about how I have felt, she measured my blood pressure, 112/76, and told me that if it takes long to get appointment for neurologist, I can take only half tablet of orloc, my migraine med which is interfering with spironolactone. Well, I tried thursday and thought that yeah, I'm gonna eat only 2,5mg of orloc starting from now. And my feeling got better. I'm not sure about migraine, my auras has been bit on-off lately, at some point there is lots of them, at other none. But, I think the whole migraine inhibitor mixture needs tuning, so.. Well, I will hear on wednesday what the neurologist says. My hands has been shakier again for some reaso

Another pause to writing, as things are pretty much normalized. I feel "normal", I don't notice anything particular in a way or another. Only thing which has changed is that I'm not feeling constantly cold. But that might be due outside temperature fluctuations so heating might do bit too much work at times. Or that the spironolactone is doing things and my body has started to consume my muscles. Dunno, that is pretty much only thing which has changed. I will rise the dosage of spironolactone again on thursday or so, so week and half with current dosage and another week and a half with 75mg. And in the start of April, to 100mg, like I have written before. That is pretty much the original schedule of the dosage rise, there is just couple of lower steps more so my body has more time to adjust. I'm going to see my occupational doctor on wednesday so I could get to the neurologist. Well, it's been 2 years I last time saw neurologist so it would be clever anyway.