Wandering thoughts 11
10 years of dark and rainy monday is starting to be left behind.
But that doesn't mean it would be sunny weekend. Yet.
Vacation. I have waited it for so long. 5 weeks of doing nothing. Watching anime. Playing video games. Maybe some dancing and having fun.
Yesterday was Aicon. Our studio was there. So very silent convention in studio. But I did get little bit of my socializing needs at least. And I finally bought nemuneko! It is big, white and it has silver crown. I named her Umi-sama. Umi, because one of the meanings of Mira is ocean as well. And she has the crown so obviously she should be addressed as -sama.
Umi-sama also reminded me about something. As I bought it mostly to be "hug-friend" and it's size is perfect for hugging, I had anxiety attack tonight. I hugged Umi-sama the whole evening, unable to let go. There is one part of in the way I socialize with people which I miss and need. Physical touch. I have written before how much I value it. And now I want to just cuddle and hug some real person. Preferably Certain Someone. But I'm unable to do it right now, no matter how much I want to do it.
My emotions has grown in amplitude even more. And I have actually tried to feel more. To nurture those feelings. I feel so much more alive when I am actually able to feel. I don't want to be crybaby necessarily but I have been gray for so long that I yearn for colors. The brighter the better. I'm not afraid of the rollercoaster. I want it.
The new clothes have given me confidence. I took next step in the process. I started to use women's toilet and not hide into the handicapped's toilet anymore. As I'm through-going enough that if I go there with confidence, no-one will look twice, especially if I'm wearing makeup. During the trip to Aicon I used several public bathrooms, and no-one did look twice or question why I was there.
I decided before that I would practice my final voice during the vacation. I want to be completely through-going, that no-one would even question that I'm not a woman. Because, well, I am a woman. I might still have a penis but that is temporary problem and doesn't make me mentally less of a woman. And the best thing in the technique I'm using is that even spontaneous sounds, like laugh or sneeze, are woman's.
My estradot dosage will be risen to 100 micrograms tomorrow. I wait it with interest. What will happen? Will it speed up the fat redistribution? Or boob growth, or stop it? How it will affect to me mentally? I will find out that in the next couple of weeks.
It is drizzling wednesday and the sky is starting to brighten up. And I'm dancing in the rain.
But that doesn't mean it would be sunny weekend. Yet.
Vacation. I have waited it for so long. 5 weeks of doing nothing. Watching anime. Playing video games. Maybe some dancing and having fun.
Yesterday was Aicon. Our studio was there. So very silent convention in studio. But I did get little bit of my socializing needs at least. And I finally bought nemuneko! It is big, white and it has silver crown. I named her Umi-sama. Umi, because one of the meanings of Mira is ocean as well. And she has the crown so obviously she should be addressed as -sama.
Umi-sama also reminded me about something. As I bought it mostly to be "hug-friend" and it's size is perfect for hugging, I had anxiety attack tonight. I hugged Umi-sama the whole evening, unable to let go. There is one part of in the way I socialize with people which I miss and need. Physical touch. I have written before how much I value it. And now I want to just cuddle and hug some real person. Preferably Certain Someone. But I'm unable to do it right now, no matter how much I want to do it.
My emotions has grown in amplitude even more. And I have actually tried to feel more. To nurture those feelings. I feel so much more alive when I am actually able to feel. I don't want to be crybaby necessarily but I have been gray for so long that I yearn for colors. The brighter the better. I'm not afraid of the rollercoaster. I want it.
The new clothes have given me confidence. I took next step in the process. I started to use women's toilet and not hide into the handicapped's toilet anymore. As I'm through-going enough that if I go there with confidence, no-one will look twice, especially if I'm wearing makeup. During the trip to Aicon I used several public bathrooms, and no-one did look twice or question why I was there.
I decided before that I would practice my final voice during the vacation. I want to be completely through-going, that no-one would even question that I'm not a woman. Because, well, I am a woman. I might still have a penis but that is temporary problem and doesn't make me mentally less of a woman. And the best thing in the technique I'm using is that even spontaneous sounds, like laugh or sneeze, are woman's.
My estradot dosage will be risen to 100 micrograms tomorrow. I wait it with interest. What will happen? Will it speed up the fat redistribution? Or boob growth, or stop it? How it will affect to me mentally? I will find out that in the next couple of weeks.
It is drizzling wednesday and the sky is starting to brighten up. And I'm dancing in the rain.