Wandering thoughts 11

10 years of dark and rainy monday is starting to be left behind.

But that doesn't mean it would be sunny weekend. Yet.



Vacation. I have waited it for so long. 5 weeks of doing nothing. Watching anime. Playing video games. Maybe some dancing and having fun.

Yesterday was Aicon. Our studio was there. So very silent convention in studio. But I did get little bit of my socializing needs at least. And I finally bought nemuneko! It is big, white and it has silver crown. I named her Umi-sama. Umi, because one of the meanings of Mira is ocean as well. And she has the crown so obviously she should be addressed as -sama.

Umi-sama also reminded me about something. As I bought it mostly to be "hug-friend" and it's size is perfect for hugging, I had anxiety attack tonight. I hugged Umi-sama the whole evening, unable to let go. There is one part of in the way I socialize with people which I miss and need. Physical touch. I have written before how much I value it. And now I want to just cuddle and hug some real person. Preferably Certain Someone. But I'm unable to do it right now, no matter how much I want to do it.

My emotions has grown in amplitude even more. And I have actually tried to feel more. To nurture those feelings. I feel so much more alive when I am actually able to feel. I don't want to be crybaby necessarily but I have been gray for so long that I yearn for colors. The brighter the better. I'm not afraid of the rollercoaster. I want it.

The new clothes have given me confidence. I took next step in the process. I started to use women's toilet and not hide into the handicapped's toilet anymore. As I'm through-going enough that if I go there with confidence, no-one will look twice, especially if I'm wearing makeup. During the trip to Aicon I used several public bathrooms, and no-one did look twice or question why I was there.

I decided before that I would practice my final voice during the vacation. I want to be completely through-going, that no-one would even question that I'm not a woman. Because, well, I am a woman. I might still have a penis but that is temporary problem and doesn't make me mentally less of a woman. And the best thing in the technique I'm using is that even spontaneous sounds, like laugh or sneeze, are woman's.

My estradot dosage will be risen to 100 micrograms tomorrow. I wait it with interest. What will happen? Will it speed up the fat redistribution? Or boob growth, or stop it? How it will affect to me mentally? I will find out that in the next couple of weeks.




It is drizzling wednesday and the sky is starting to brighten up. And I'm dancing in the rain.

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