TMI: Hormones and sexuality
I'm telling more-than-usual in this post, in uncensored manner, I apologize in advance. Also sorry if I use strange words as especially medical vocabulary is still unknown to me (I rely to google translate quite a much). If you are asexual (I know there are several in the readers), you might want to stop reading now. It's not over-the-top but much more than before.
So, I want to talk about what hormones has done to me, when I still remember the time before I even started the voyage seriously over a year ago. What physical changes has happened and what mental changes has happened. I have told at least most of the mental changes but not all the physical.
Let's start with the physical changes. My skin, muscles, erection, ejaculation, sensation, boobs, face, feet, hair (both in head and around the body), response to alcohol, pee and sweat has changed more or less. So, going through those one by one.
My skin started to get softer quite soon after starting HRT. Starting from tummy area and spreading from there. Now my skin is softer all over, but I think my arms and legs will get bit softer over the time as those took longest time to start getting softer. The appearance of skin hasn't changed much, but lately my body hair has finally started to change, again from tummy. It's getting more translucent, thinner and softer. Like it should. I noticed that there is more small moles in my skin, or at least I think those are moles, I have to tell about that to my doctor as I don't want skin cancer (my grandma has it).
My muscles have lost lot of power, some even look smaller. They have been converted mostly to fat, some is consumed as energy. Most of the muscles have gone from upper back, shoulders and arms. My legs have lost some as well but it isn't that visible, but I have noticed it. Fortunately my finger power is mostly intact. But it's getting really hard to lift heavier things.
My penis has reacted in various ways. Interestingly after a month or so, my erections got harder for some reason, and they lasted longer. After two months or so, ejaculation changed to more translucent and less sticky, but the quantity was still the same. Yes, I have no intention to stick my penis anywhere but I still have sexual interest so I masturbate every now and then. Much less than before but nonetheless. And that sexual interest has grown during the HRT. About two or three months ago the erection started to get what it was before and now it is harder to achieve than before but it is still possible. And it won't stay hard for more than couple of seconds. It's like the erectile dysfunction is finally kicking in for real. I also noticed that during the couple of past weeks, after the Estradot dosage was risen to 100 micrograms, the amount I ejaculate got considerable smaller. Usual amount of ejaculate is about 15 milliliters, IIRC, but mine is currently something like 2-3 ml. My orgasms have changed too. They last two or three times longer and the intensity is.. I don't even know how much greater. Multiple times more intensive. And before, it was kinda "exploding", now it is "imploding". All my muscles in my torso want to curl up and the orgasm lasts for something like 9-12 seconds, and takes 2-3 seconds to reach the peak from the start.
Having orgasms like that is ..confusing, as two years back it was bit hard for me to reach orgasm. I just ejaculated. It was frustrating. Now it is other way around and I prefer this much more than what it was before. Partly related to sensation as well, my glans was bit insensitive before, which might have affected to the inability to have an orgasm. Now it has gotten much more sensitive, to the level it was like 4 years ago. I think that's not still clitoris-level sensitiveness (in some point glans should be just oversized clitors). But back to penis and erections. For some reason "morning wood" is completely unknown to me. During my whole life, I have had it like two times. Seriously. I know I get partly erection, even now, during the night, but nothing like proper erection. All the spontaneous erections has been left out as well. I got those quite frequently TBH (multiple times every day), but nowadays I really have to want to have an erection to have one. There are no spontaneous erections at all. There was a couple of months long timeframe during the HRT that I masturbated like 2 times in a month but I have tried to get more frequent, at least couple of times in a week as I will have to dilatate daily in the future and that would be easier to do in form of masturbating. Although post-op life will be so much different in many ways and I wait it eagerly.
Ok, that aside, how about sensation in general? My skin has gotten more sensitive to touch when it got softer. Makes sense. Also, in general, things that hurted physically, hurts more now. So I will not just feel lighter touch but I will feel more the harder "touches" as well.
One of the most obvious changes is boobs. Most of the changes until now has been just fat redistribution. But during this month there is visible growth in the mammary glands. My nipples are visibly.. extended. Like small peak or hill from the surrounding eminence. My boobs fill the 80B bras I have and I hope they will grow bigger as the upper part of them lacks volume. They are like half-filled. And the nipples are so sensitive. Even smallest bump to them hurts as much as hard punch to the face. It causes minor problems every now and then when I bump them by accident. It also means that I can't lay on my stomach without supporting upper torso with my hands so I don't have any weight on my boobs. But it should mean they are growing and when I don't touch them, there isn't any pain.
My face has been interesting story as well. I have been in a laser epilation four times now. So my beard isn't growing that much anymore. There are many hairless blotches already. Facial fat has redistributed a bit as well. There are visible pits in my cheeks and my jawline is softer and more beautiful arc. Not just a straight line anymore. I think there is bit more fat on my cheekbones as well. But the changes are very subtle and I think weight loss has more to do with those than hormones. My face has always been bit androgynous.
My feet are interesting story. I though that I had 45 EU shoe size. But when I went to shoe shop couple of weeks ago and tried that sized shoes, they were way too big. So I tried size 44. They were better and I took them. After using them a while, they started to feel big. So I took A4 paper and measured my feet. My right foot is 43 EU and left 42 EU. Which is actually great news! Most of the women's shoes end to size 42 EU. So, if they don't fit right away, it should be possible to stretch them to fit my right foot. I don't know what has caused this as hormones should not affect to bones, hence to the shoe size, although I have read several occurrences that shoe size has gotten smaller after starting HRT. In the other hand, feet consist whole bunch of small bones and lots of tendons. And I have used support insoles and lost a lot of weight, so that might have done something to arches and to the length of the feet. But, it also means that I can shop shoes in ordinary shops, from physical stores and from internet.
My hair, in my head, have had their own effect as well. I'm not as bald anymore, fortunately, and it's getting better every day. But my hair is growing longer as well. It doesn't shear off so easily. I don't know much of eating zinc or changing shampoo and starting to use conditioner has done with this in addition to medication, but nonetheless, my hair looks better and grows longer. And I'm very happy about that. Although I should visit to hairdresser as the ends of hair are not exactly in good condition, even when I don't have tangles.
My response to alcohol seems to change after every dosage rise of Estradot. I'm currently bit tipsy and I finally got very faint euphoric edge in my drunkenness again. I also feel very sexy and desirable. But I investigated a bit how alcohol affects to brains and the euphoric effect is most likely caused by testosterone! No wonder I haven't had it before and I had it back in last July after the ...thing I had. And the thing was most likely testosterone rush. But because of lack of the euphoria, I tried what alcohol does to me in midsummer party, and drank myself to 2 permille drunkenness. Only thing I got was the relaxation (which kicked in in about 0.4 permilles) and intoxication. I didn't have anything "fun" out of it. Now, after Estradot dosage rise, I have bit different effect again. But this is first time I drank alcohol after it so I have try again later and see what the results are then.
Bodily fluids, especially pee and sweat (as I told the changes of sperm already), have had some changes as well. Mostly in smell. My pee smells like what I have thought what it smells like woman's, who has her menstruation. Considering my current dosage, I'm not sure if that is correct time of the menstrual cycle but anyway. The smell is same anyway. My sweat has changed smell as well, to some degree. I'm able to smell my old clothes, which I would be unable to do if my sweat hasn't changed smell.
Okay, that was the physical changes. Quite a wall of text. I try to be more brief to changes in my head.
So, the biggest change is the way I think. I can still see the way men usually think but the way I think now, is different. I can't describe it how it is different, but there is big change anyway. Some stand-up artist compared the brains of men and women in some sketch that men have things in boxes, which doesn't touch, and they have one box which is empty. And that is their favourite box. In the other hand women has everything in one big pile and everything is connected. And I think that is quite in point, as I recognize both. I had boxes 15 years ago, even the empty box. It wasn't my favourite as I thought a lot even back then but anyway. Now, I have no boxes and all is just one big pile. And things are connecting. Everything isn't connected, yet, but they are connecting to each other. That's best way to describe it. And that's still just a scratch on the surface, which doesn't even leave a mark. I notice myself noticing different things from people around me. I don't look anymore other people like "hey, that's hot package", but "hey, that woman has so pretty hair/shirt/bag/whatever". I notice details. I do look people as a whole as well but not as much as I mark the details.
The change in thinking has made me realize how men-centric this world is. It doesn't bother me, I just realized it something like month ago or so. And at least partly because of that, men are so polite to women most of the time. And I gotten used to take advantage of that. I got one glimpse of it by myself when I went to verkkokauppa, local electronics superstore, and customer service clerk came to me and asked what I was searching for as I couldn't find what I was searching for. Turned out that they had hidden it to unlogical place, so no wonder I didn't found it. But the clerk started to lecture about the product like I didn't know anything at all. He realized to who he was talking to when I grabbed couple of other products saying "I need this and this as well with that", I could see it miles away.
Other major thing which has happened is that hormones has amplified all my feelings. Good and bad. I cry more easily (heck, I am finally able to cry again), and I have shed couple of tears of joy when I saw something very happy and cute in facebook. Things which were impossible half a year ago. But I feel miss more ..darkly, it really pushes me down compared to feeling before. In the start of HRT my depression got worse for a moment because of this effect. But I still feel that my feelings are the same they were. I don't feel differently, like, I still smile to cute kitten, the feeling itself is just amplified. Before it might have been invisible peak in happiness, now it is visible smile, maybe even some squeak and/or rising hands on my mouth, or more. I feel more lively and I try to nurture those feelings. To actually feel more. Get bigger reaction from myself when seeing something cute or sad or anything which could raise feelings. And it feels so refreshing and relieving.
The way I look other people sexually and how I think myself has changed as well. I have thought about this quite a much lately and I'm confident that I'm actually pansexual. I thought about having serious relationship with non-binary person and found myself thinking that there isn't any problem in it. It is just matter of chemistry between people. I have also noticed that I weight the looks more than before. I still value mind over the body but even if the mind is perfect, I might not start relationship with whale.
Talking about sexuality, the way I get aroused has changed as well. Actually, I can get aroused in two different ways, other being the way I used to. The way I used to was just erection and ..hunger. Not much physical feelings. Now, I feel dizzy, I get certain kind of heavy feeling on chest and little bit butterflies to stomach, in a way of excitement. None of the hunger and my penis won't even move usually. And it's getting more common. I also find porn very boring nowadays, I rely to my imagination. I don't wonder why porn fanfics, written sexual stories, are more common among women, as I yearn for those by myself now. Oh, and a note about the ways I get aroused. If I get aroused in a way I used to, and ejaculate, I usually don't get orgasm, even now. But if I get aroused in the other way, I get very strong orgasms consistently. I have gotten couple milder during the months but they are very rare.
I think that is the most of it. By far longest post I have written. Took three hours to write! :D I will write monthly analyze from past month on tuesday or wednesday as well.
So, I want to talk about what hormones has done to me, when I still remember the time before I even started the voyage seriously over a year ago. What physical changes has happened and what mental changes has happened. I have told at least most of the mental changes but not all the physical.
Let's start with the physical changes. My skin, muscles, erection, ejaculation, sensation, boobs, face, feet, hair (both in head and around the body), response to alcohol, pee and sweat has changed more or less. So, going through those one by one.
My skin started to get softer quite soon after starting HRT. Starting from tummy area and spreading from there. Now my skin is softer all over, but I think my arms and legs will get bit softer over the time as those took longest time to start getting softer. The appearance of skin hasn't changed much, but lately my body hair has finally started to change, again from tummy. It's getting more translucent, thinner and softer. Like it should. I noticed that there is more small moles in my skin, or at least I think those are moles, I have to tell about that to my doctor as I don't want skin cancer (my grandma has it).
My muscles have lost lot of power, some even look smaller. They have been converted mostly to fat, some is consumed as energy. Most of the muscles have gone from upper back, shoulders and arms. My legs have lost some as well but it isn't that visible, but I have noticed it. Fortunately my finger power is mostly intact. But it's getting really hard to lift heavier things.
My penis has reacted in various ways. Interestingly after a month or so, my erections got harder for some reason, and they lasted longer. After two months or so, ejaculation changed to more translucent and less sticky, but the quantity was still the same. Yes, I have no intention to stick my penis anywhere but I still have sexual interest so I masturbate every now and then. Much less than before but nonetheless. And that sexual interest has grown during the HRT. About two or three months ago the erection started to get what it was before and now it is harder to achieve than before but it is still possible. And it won't stay hard for more than couple of seconds. It's like the erectile dysfunction is finally kicking in for real. I also noticed that during the couple of past weeks, after the Estradot dosage was risen to 100 micrograms, the amount I ejaculate got considerable smaller. Usual amount of ejaculate is about 15 milliliters, IIRC, but mine is currently something like 2-3 ml. My orgasms have changed too. They last two or three times longer and the intensity is.. I don't even know how much greater. Multiple times more intensive. And before, it was kinda "exploding", now it is "imploding". All my muscles in my torso want to curl up and the orgasm lasts for something like 9-12 seconds, and takes 2-3 seconds to reach the peak from the start.
Having orgasms like that is ..confusing, as two years back it was bit hard for me to reach orgasm. I just ejaculated. It was frustrating. Now it is other way around and I prefer this much more than what it was before. Partly related to sensation as well, my glans was bit insensitive before, which might have affected to the inability to have an orgasm. Now it has gotten much more sensitive, to the level it was like 4 years ago. I think that's not still clitoris-level sensitiveness (in some point glans should be just oversized clitors). But back to penis and erections. For some reason "morning wood" is completely unknown to me. During my whole life, I have had it like two times. Seriously. I know I get partly erection, even now, during the night, but nothing like proper erection. All the spontaneous erections has been left out as well. I got those quite frequently TBH (multiple times every day), but nowadays I really have to want to have an erection to have one. There are no spontaneous erections at all. There was a couple of months long timeframe during the HRT that I masturbated like 2 times in a month but I have tried to get more frequent, at least couple of times in a week as I will have to dilatate daily in the future and that would be easier to do in form of masturbating. Although post-op life will be so much different in many ways and I wait it eagerly.
Ok, that aside, how about sensation in general? My skin has gotten more sensitive to touch when it got softer. Makes sense. Also, in general, things that hurted physically, hurts more now. So I will not just feel lighter touch but I will feel more the harder "touches" as well.
One of the most obvious changes is boobs. Most of the changes until now has been just fat redistribution. But during this month there is visible growth in the mammary glands. My nipples are visibly.. extended. Like small peak or hill from the surrounding eminence. My boobs fill the 80B bras I have and I hope they will grow bigger as the upper part of them lacks volume. They are like half-filled. And the nipples are so sensitive. Even smallest bump to them hurts as much as hard punch to the face. It causes minor problems every now and then when I bump them by accident. It also means that I can't lay on my stomach without supporting upper torso with my hands so I don't have any weight on my boobs. But it should mean they are growing and when I don't touch them, there isn't any pain.
My face has been interesting story as well. I have been in a laser epilation four times now. So my beard isn't growing that much anymore. There are many hairless blotches already. Facial fat has redistributed a bit as well. There are visible pits in my cheeks and my jawline is softer and more beautiful arc. Not just a straight line anymore. I think there is bit more fat on my cheekbones as well. But the changes are very subtle and I think weight loss has more to do with those than hormones. My face has always been bit androgynous.
My feet are interesting story. I though that I had 45 EU shoe size. But when I went to shoe shop couple of weeks ago and tried that sized shoes, they were way too big. So I tried size 44. They were better and I took them. After using them a while, they started to feel big. So I took A4 paper and measured my feet. My right foot is 43 EU and left 42 EU. Which is actually great news! Most of the women's shoes end to size 42 EU. So, if they don't fit right away, it should be possible to stretch them to fit my right foot. I don't know what has caused this as hormones should not affect to bones, hence to the shoe size, although I have read several occurrences that shoe size has gotten smaller after starting HRT. In the other hand, feet consist whole bunch of small bones and lots of tendons. And I have used support insoles and lost a lot of weight, so that might have done something to arches and to the length of the feet. But, it also means that I can shop shoes in ordinary shops, from physical stores and from internet.
My hair, in my head, have had their own effect as well. I'm not as bald anymore, fortunately, and it's getting better every day. But my hair is growing longer as well. It doesn't shear off so easily. I don't know much of eating zinc or changing shampoo and starting to use conditioner has done with this in addition to medication, but nonetheless, my hair looks better and grows longer. And I'm very happy about that. Although I should visit to hairdresser as the ends of hair are not exactly in good condition, even when I don't have tangles.
My response to alcohol seems to change after every dosage rise of Estradot. I'm currently bit tipsy and I finally got very faint euphoric edge in my drunkenness again. I also feel very sexy and desirable. But I investigated a bit how alcohol affects to brains and the euphoric effect is most likely caused by testosterone! No wonder I haven't had it before and I had it back in last July after the ...thing I had. And the thing was most likely testosterone rush. But because of lack of the euphoria, I tried what alcohol does to me in midsummer party, and drank myself to 2 permille drunkenness. Only thing I got was the relaxation (which kicked in in about 0.4 permilles) and intoxication. I didn't have anything "fun" out of it. Now, after Estradot dosage rise, I have bit different effect again. But this is first time I drank alcohol after it so I have try again later and see what the results are then.
Bodily fluids, especially pee and sweat (as I told the changes of sperm already), have had some changes as well. Mostly in smell. My pee smells like what I have thought what it smells like woman's, who has her menstruation. Considering my current dosage, I'm not sure if that is correct time of the menstrual cycle but anyway. The smell is same anyway. My sweat has changed smell as well, to some degree. I'm able to smell my old clothes, which I would be unable to do if my sweat hasn't changed smell.
Okay, that was the physical changes. Quite a wall of text. I try to be more brief to changes in my head.
So, the biggest change is the way I think. I can still see the way men usually think but the way I think now, is different. I can't describe it how it is different, but there is big change anyway. Some stand-up artist compared the brains of men and women in some sketch that men have things in boxes, which doesn't touch, and they have one box which is empty. And that is their favourite box. In the other hand women has everything in one big pile and everything is connected. And I think that is quite in point, as I recognize both. I had boxes 15 years ago, even the empty box. It wasn't my favourite as I thought a lot even back then but anyway. Now, I have no boxes and all is just one big pile. And things are connecting. Everything isn't connected, yet, but they are connecting to each other. That's best way to describe it. And that's still just a scratch on the surface, which doesn't even leave a mark. I notice myself noticing different things from people around me. I don't look anymore other people like "hey, that's hot package", but "hey, that woman has so pretty hair/shirt/bag/whatever". I notice details. I do look people as a whole as well but not as much as I mark the details.
The change in thinking has made me realize how men-centric this world is. It doesn't bother me, I just realized it something like month ago or so. And at least partly because of that, men are so polite to women most of the time. And I gotten used to take advantage of that. I got one glimpse of it by myself when I went to verkkokauppa, local electronics superstore, and customer service clerk came to me and asked what I was searching for as I couldn't find what I was searching for. Turned out that they had hidden it to unlogical place, so no wonder I didn't found it. But the clerk started to lecture about the product like I didn't know anything at all. He realized to who he was talking to when I grabbed couple of other products saying "I need this and this as well with that", I could see it miles away.
Other major thing which has happened is that hormones has amplified all my feelings. Good and bad. I cry more easily (heck, I am finally able to cry again), and I have shed couple of tears of joy when I saw something very happy and cute in facebook. Things which were impossible half a year ago. But I feel miss more ..darkly, it really pushes me down compared to feeling before. In the start of HRT my depression got worse for a moment because of this effect. But I still feel that my feelings are the same they were. I don't feel differently, like, I still smile to cute kitten, the feeling itself is just amplified. Before it might have been invisible peak in happiness, now it is visible smile, maybe even some squeak and/or rising hands on my mouth, or more. I feel more lively and I try to nurture those feelings. To actually feel more. Get bigger reaction from myself when seeing something cute or sad or anything which could raise feelings. And it feels so refreshing and relieving.
The way I look other people sexually and how I think myself has changed as well. I have thought about this quite a much lately and I'm confident that I'm actually pansexual. I thought about having serious relationship with non-binary person and found myself thinking that there isn't any problem in it. It is just matter of chemistry between people. I have also noticed that I weight the looks more than before. I still value mind over the body but even if the mind is perfect, I might not start relationship with whale.
Talking about sexuality, the way I get aroused has changed as well. Actually, I can get aroused in two different ways, other being the way I used to. The way I used to was just erection and ..hunger. Not much physical feelings. Now, I feel dizzy, I get certain kind of heavy feeling on chest and little bit butterflies to stomach, in a way of excitement. None of the hunger and my penis won't even move usually. And it's getting more common. I also find porn very boring nowadays, I rely to my imagination. I don't wonder why porn fanfics, written sexual stories, are more common among women, as I yearn for those by myself now. Oh, and a note about the ways I get aroused. If I get aroused in a way I used to, and ejaculate, I usually don't get orgasm, even now. But if I get aroused in the other way, I get very strong orgasms consistently. I have gotten couple milder during the months but they are very rare.
I think that is the most of it. By far longest post I have written. Took three hours to write! :D I will write monthly analyze from past month on tuesday or wednesday as well.