Wandering thoughts 7
It's sunday again so time to sum up the week. I have finally noticed some effects the lack of testosterone causes and have tried to enjoy myself. I also changed my name in private medias.
I noticed couple of days ago that even though my weight hasn't practically changed (changed up and down within one kilogram), my tummy has gotten bigger. So, my body is really eating my muscles finally. I haven't noticed from where but my shoulders has been sore so at least from there. And I think that's where I have most of the unused muscles. Hopefully my shoulders will get less sloping and neck to thin out. It might sound anorectic but it is not. I have just bit too much extra. I have started to actually like my shins. Especially when I use tights. And my tummy area has that little fattines which I would like to get away as well.
And that subject is actually quite interesting. My beauty standard has changed within a year. What I thought was too thin is OK now, or maybe I'm just more aware what anorexia looks like. But also when I reflect to myself how much I weight and what my BMI is, and how I would look like 10kg thinner. Part of it might become from what media feeds us. But then, I see those molds very achievable and as I find them ..soothing, for the lack of better word. It might be part of that I really want to be cis-woman. Or the closest thing anyway. That is also one thing which has changed. My need has grown stronger with every step. I want this more than ever, so it is painful as it is so slow. But in the other hand I have lots of time to reflect what I want to be so other people can read me better. There are many hidden rules which no-one has told me. Which I need to discover by talking with people and/or observe other women. Which is much harder as everyone is individual and their presence reflects them as persons. So, I have to see common things through those reflections.
I have noticed some effects of estrogen as well. My skin has gotten softer in places, mostly tummy area and face, little bit arms as well. Estrogen patches are easier to remove because of that, as the skin is to what the patch is designed. Fat has started to relocate in my face as well. Little by little.
Week ago I changed my name in facebook, irc, (private side) slack and other similar medias to Mira. In facebook it was my april's fools, kinda, where the april's fool was that it wasn't april's fools. So meta, I know, but it was too good opportunity as most of my friends didn't have any clue. And that kind of change is very hard to validate that is this person serious or is this just a joke, when it comes from person, who hasn't been very manly ever, being in man's role though. And quite many people took the bait. Part of that was also that I get my regular dose of attention, as I am some degree of attention whore. So, two birds with one stone! Although I will still have my old name in official medias, like work. Those will change after I visit registry office and do the official change. But I need medical certificate for that.
I have practiced my voice this week as well. It has been quite easy to get voice box up and keep it there but it's much harder to pull it back which will do the actual change to the voice. I'm able to do it for a while but then I have to take a break and speak with "normal" or "old" voice. I think that maybe I should try to tune the pitch as well and see what kind of voice I might have after practice. But, as the throat muscles are unable to support speaking with the new voice for too long, that practice is going to take some time. No-one has reacted to my practice in any way if I haven't told them specifically that I'm doing it. But, at work, no reaction of any kind.
Yesterday was Tampere Kuplii after parties, "kaatajaiset" as we say it in finnish. I tried to look little bit better so I wore makeup, although only to smoothen skin and mascara so my eyelashes could be seen. Had fun times and I drank quite a bit, when I calculated today how much, I think it is somewhere between 12 and 15 restaurant dosages. As couple of drinks were tight and was poured with free hand, I'm not sure if those had one or two restaurant dosages as I drank three of them. So, that translates to something like 2‰ before sloping down. I don't remember when I have been that drunk before, as that was more than what I managed to drink in same kind of party of Tracon (#12). So, it's been quite a while. But I remember been more drunk at least once as back then my eyes swirled, which they didn't do this time, yet. But it was fun, and I have a feeling that one guy has some degree of a crush on me. And I don't even know what is his name! Maybe I should investigate. At least he is very interested of me. I also learned couple new things from couple different people, which was rather interesting! That explained many things.
My ability to read people even while drunk is kind of terrifying. As my own speech starts to lisp, others lowers their guard. But I'm very aware of myself and read people like while sober. I'm just not paying that much attention to my own presence. So my personality changes a bit in the eyes of other people. Or, I'm just thinking this happens while it actually doesn't.
Wow, long post. More will follow ^^
I noticed couple of days ago that even though my weight hasn't practically changed (changed up and down within one kilogram), my tummy has gotten bigger. So, my body is really eating my muscles finally. I haven't noticed from where but my shoulders has been sore so at least from there. And I think that's where I have most of the unused muscles. Hopefully my shoulders will get less sloping and neck to thin out. It might sound anorectic but it is not. I have just bit too much extra. I have started to actually like my shins. Especially when I use tights. And my tummy area has that little fattines which I would like to get away as well.
And that subject is actually quite interesting. My beauty standard has changed within a year. What I thought was too thin is OK now, or maybe I'm just more aware what anorexia looks like. But also when I reflect to myself how much I weight and what my BMI is, and how I would look like 10kg thinner. Part of it might become from what media feeds us. But then, I see those molds very achievable and as I find them ..soothing, for the lack of better word. It might be part of that I really want to be cis-woman. Or the closest thing anyway. That is also one thing which has changed. My need has grown stronger with every step. I want this more than ever, so it is painful as it is so slow. But in the other hand I have lots of time to reflect what I want to be so other people can read me better. There are many hidden rules which no-one has told me. Which I need to discover by talking with people and/or observe other women. Which is much harder as everyone is individual and their presence reflects them as persons. So, I have to see common things through those reflections.
I have noticed some effects of estrogen as well. My skin has gotten softer in places, mostly tummy area and face, little bit arms as well. Estrogen patches are easier to remove because of that, as the skin is to what the patch is designed. Fat has started to relocate in my face as well. Little by little.
Week ago I changed my name in facebook, irc, (private side) slack and other similar medias to Mira. In facebook it was my april's fools, kinda, where the april's fool was that it wasn't april's fools. So meta, I know, but it was too good opportunity as most of my friends didn't have any clue. And that kind of change is very hard to validate that is this person serious or is this just a joke, when it comes from person, who hasn't been very manly ever, being in man's role though. And quite many people took the bait. Part of that was also that I get my regular dose of attention, as I am some degree of attention whore. So, two birds with one stone! Although I will still have my old name in official medias, like work. Those will change after I visit registry office and do the official change. But I need medical certificate for that.
I have practiced my voice this week as well. It has been quite easy to get voice box up and keep it there but it's much harder to pull it back which will do the actual change to the voice. I'm able to do it for a while but then I have to take a break and speak with "normal" or "old" voice. I think that maybe I should try to tune the pitch as well and see what kind of voice I might have after practice. But, as the throat muscles are unable to support speaking with the new voice for too long, that practice is going to take some time. No-one has reacted to my practice in any way if I haven't told them specifically that I'm doing it. But, at work, no reaction of any kind.
Yesterday was Tampere Kuplii after parties, "kaatajaiset" as we say it in finnish. I tried to look little bit better so I wore makeup, although only to smoothen skin and mascara so my eyelashes could be seen. Had fun times and I drank quite a bit, when I calculated today how much, I think it is somewhere between 12 and 15 restaurant dosages. As couple of drinks were tight and was poured with free hand, I'm not sure if those had one or two restaurant dosages as I drank three of them. So, that translates to something like 2‰ before sloping down. I don't remember when I have been that drunk before, as that was more than what I managed to drink in same kind of party of Tracon (#12). So, it's been quite a while. But I remember been more drunk at least once as back then my eyes swirled, which they didn't do this time, yet. But it was fun, and I have a feeling that one guy has some degree of a crush on me. And I don't even know what is his name! Maybe I should investigate. At least he is very interested of me. I also learned couple new things from couple different people, which was rather interesting! That explained many things.
My ability to read people even while drunk is kind of terrifying. As my own speech starts to lisp, others lowers their guard. But I'm very aware of myself and read people like while sober. I'm just not paying that much attention to my own presence. So my personality changes a bit in the eyes of other people. Or, I'm just thinking this happens while it actually doesn't.
Wow, long post. More will follow ^^