Becoming a Woman
There has been couple of things lately which might have had major impact to my mental health. Dyeing my hair to violet, starting to use makeup daily and using high heel shoes. I started to read manga again as well. And not just any manga, shoujo-ai and yuri manga.
It has been quite a ride and voyage, but I feel like I'm not trying to be a woman anymore. Because I am woman. The feeling has come very stealthy, but firmly. For a good while already, I have seen myself as a woman when I have seen myself from half-reflective surface, like window, but it's bit newer thing that I'm "going through" to myself when I look myself from mirror. And very lately the feeling has finally reached inner me. I don't have to look to the mirror to see myself as a woman. More like when I look or see some part in myself, like legs, I see them as feminine.
When I realized that what has changed in my mind today, I even cried a little. I'm finally feeling I'm Mira. I'm not imitating anymore. I still have a lot to learn but I'm not imitating, I'm in the same starting point where any else woman would be. I don't know how much really my mindset have moved lately and is it visible from outside. It has been bit rough lately because of migraine but it might have helped with mindset. I'm so tired and stressed a bit so I don't try to be the old me. I'm letting the true me through. And now when I realize it, I will try to embrace it more as there is still so many things I hate in myself. And if I succeed, my personality might visibly change, like it has in the inside. The old me is still very present from the outside. It is so hard to let myself go to the flow of change as I'm bit too rational.
It kind of feels strange that it is so hard to change. I have always been very impulsive, but when it is combined with rationalism, I'm not too much of a firecracker. But why I'm not able to let myself go, even when I'm ready to go to eat with some friend to another city with a one minute's notice?
I have finally become a woman, but my voyage has only just started. It's almost like I'm starting to bloom. May the bloom last long and never wither.
It has been quite a ride and voyage, but I feel like I'm not trying to be a woman anymore. Because I am woman. The feeling has come very stealthy, but firmly. For a good while already, I have seen myself as a woman when I have seen myself from half-reflective surface, like window, but it's bit newer thing that I'm "going through" to myself when I look myself from mirror. And very lately the feeling has finally reached inner me. I don't have to look to the mirror to see myself as a woman. More like when I look or see some part in myself, like legs, I see them as feminine.
When I realized that what has changed in my mind today, I even cried a little. I'm finally feeling I'm Mira. I'm not imitating anymore. I still have a lot to learn but I'm not imitating, I'm in the same starting point where any else woman would be. I don't know how much really my mindset have moved lately and is it visible from outside. It has been bit rough lately because of migraine but it might have helped with mindset. I'm so tired and stressed a bit so I don't try to be the old me. I'm letting the true me through. And now when I realize it, I will try to embrace it more as there is still so many things I hate in myself. And if I succeed, my personality might visibly change, like it has in the inside. The old me is still very present from the outside. It is so hard to let myself go to the flow of change as I'm bit too rational.
It kind of feels strange that it is so hard to change. I have always been very impulsive, but when it is combined with rationalism, I'm not too much of a firecracker. But why I'm not able to let myself go, even when I'm ready to go to eat with some friend to another city with a one minute's notice?
I have finally become a woman, but my voyage has only just started. It's almost like I'm starting to bloom. May the bloom last long and never wither.