Wandering thoughts 9

Somewhat silent week. Let's go through it.

So, on monday the estradot dosage was raised to 75 micrograms. It have affected surprisingly much to my mental health. And maybe boob growth. I'm finally able to somewhat cry. When I look emotional anime, I might cry drop or two when I just had heavy feeling on chest before. Even easier than before. It feels relieving. All the other emotions have increased amplitude as well, also the bad ones, unfortunately. My depression has gotten bit worse, not much but it's hard to get out from shower again and my general feeling has been bit low. It has affected my work as well, it's harder to get things done again. Which is bit unfortunate. I should tell about this to my boss, if this doesn't get better soon. My mood has lowered so fast that I'm not expecting it to stay for long. As I think this is part of the mood rollercoaster I was hoping for. What I have read about how fast hormones should have effects and what kind of effects, I think I'm about one month late from those times. But then again, like the doc said, let's go slow. So, my mood swings might happen slowly as well.

The pace I'm going right now might be the reason why my boobs took 2,5 months to start growing. I have a feeling that before this they just reshaped themselves from what was under my arms before. Now my nipples (and boobs somewhat) are so sensitive that breathing hurts. Not much but hurts anyway. And not all the time, fortunately, but you get the idea. And most likely know what I'm talking about if you are woman. This is second puberty after all.

I'm not sure what should I do with my weight currently. I could lose more of it quite easily by same methods I have lost weight to this point. But if lose weight, what it would do to boob growth? From where the weight will go away, from muscles or from fat? Will the lack of testosterone eat my muscles even more or is my activity level enough for them to stay like they are now? In the other hand, if I wait for my boobs to grow more and then lose weight, them will lose volume as well. So it might be better to lose now, even with the risk to get smaller boobs. I also read that transwoman might get just B cup. But that assumes for normal masculine cis-man, I think. And my boobs were something like AA with my own hormones and my chest is not that manly. So, I'm hoping they will get bigger than that. They are about A now. And are starting to grow.

My face is also continuing to taking new shape little by little. The lines are softer and there starts to be a "shadow" between cheekbones and jaw. So, maybe my cheekbones are finally getting some more fat? The change is so slow that it would need taking pictures from same angle time to time and compare them. But, generally it is going to more feminine direction. And I like it. I just wish I could get rid of my beard as fast as possible. And to maximize the effectiveness of laser, I bought sun cream with maximum protection factor from pharmacy. And as it is not chemical but "mechanical" protection, it makes me quite pale. But I like it ^^;

My migraine has been mostly in hand as well. I have bit more aura symptoms than half a year ago and the attacks itself are more clear, although not much shorter. Maybe two to three days instead of a week but that's still too long. And I have a feeling that the medication changes have affected more to this than HRT itself.

I have also practiced my voice. The first stage of the practice starts to sound clear, and bit more natural. But my throat muscles are quite weak still so they cannot support the talk for too long. But my throat won't get sore, which is nice. It just gets harder and harder to keep the voice the way I want it to be. And eventually impossible. So it might be bit confusing to people who aren't used to it yet. I have thought that maybe I should start to take second stage to practice as well, so to correct pitch as well. But I need help to do that as I can't hear exactly how I sound like. And I have to get rid of this attacking flu before it.

But, to the next week.

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