Uncensored Tipsy Thoughts 5
Being drunk is interesting. It makes you think things from different perspective.
Tonight, I have thought about the harsh contradiction in myself. In one end, there is the tech head. My work. Things I love to do with computers. Gaming. In another end, there are the girly things. Starting from makeup and clothes, ending to how I carry myself and how I observe world and imitate it. In third end, there is my bad side. How grim and self-reliant I am. And partly reflecting that, my ability to read people way better than I would like to. In the fourth end is what I want to show to the world. That I'm neutral, optimistic and liberal, can get along with everyone, I don't prejudge. I give certain amount of trust to everyone. And depending on your actions I judge you and you will either gain or lose trust.
That is bit bad combination. In the history of mine, there are several occurrences when I have hitted below the belt with words very hard. I do it unconsciously when I'm pissed. Because I can read people so well, and I'm not exactly stupid, I can extrapolate the weak points in people from what I observe and hear. And in bad situation, the cruelness in me hits those weak spots. Hard. I know this "superpower", I have lost many friends thanks to it and even the mentally strong people can get scars from my words. Fortunately one of those persons was mentally strong enough that she is still my friend but it took her two months and quite a much of alcohol to say it loud. Or rather, to ask that if I really meant what I said. During the years I have managed to take hold of it and not use it as a weapon, but there is still some occurrences.
Although, that superpower is also kind of good thing. I know what I must not say. But thanks to that, I stress extremely much what I say. Especially in written form.
The old me and new me is also colliding very hard to each other. The tech head in me isn't going anywhere and I'm just allowing myself to be interested in girly things. Invest to makeup and new things. Allowing myself to own things, which isn't absolute necessity but nice to have. Like light jacket when it starts to be bit cold but not enough to use proper jacket. This is causing major financial prioritizing problems. As those things my tech head wants costs typically several hundreds or thousands of euros, the girly things are rarely over 100€ a piece, but there is constant flow of smallish purchases.
I am some hybrid of a person. In every way in the meaning of the word. I don't have medical proof, but I think I am intersexual. My interests and behaviour are mix of typical male and typical female. I have somewhat androgynous looks and my practice voice is somewhat androgynous as well. Only the way I carry myself is signaling the feminine side, so more and more people are assuming correctly.
Is this just a phase I must go through during this transition?
I think way too much. It is starting to become a problem. I overanalyze things which should not be overanalyzed. Especially I'm over-analyzing myself. Even further if it concerns the physical changes happening in me.
I notice myself blowing another pink bubble around me. And I don't want it. It makes life much harder when I make decisions according to the ideal world inside the bubble and not according to the real world around me. Fantasizing about it is mostly fine but I should leave it to that level. Not go too far from reality.
The way I think is so different what it was couple of years ago. There haven't been empty box in over five years. There isn't even boxes anymore. Everything, which was in the boxes are just one big pile now and constantly connecting to each other.
This post is all over the place but I'm tipsy so I'm not even trying to make better sense than just mindflow.
Tonight, I have thought about the harsh contradiction in myself. In one end, there is the tech head. My work. Things I love to do with computers. Gaming. In another end, there are the girly things. Starting from makeup and clothes, ending to how I carry myself and how I observe world and imitate it. In third end, there is my bad side. How grim and self-reliant I am. And partly reflecting that, my ability to read people way better than I would like to. In the fourth end is what I want to show to the world. That I'm neutral, optimistic and liberal, can get along with everyone, I don't prejudge. I give certain amount of trust to everyone. And depending on your actions I judge you and you will either gain or lose trust.
That is bit bad combination. In the history of mine, there are several occurrences when I have hitted below the belt with words very hard. I do it unconsciously when I'm pissed. Because I can read people so well, and I'm not exactly stupid, I can extrapolate the weak points in people from what I observe and hear. And in bad situation, the cruelness in me hits those weak spots. Hard. I know this "superpower", I have lost many friends thanks to it and even the mentally strong people can get scars from my words. Fortunately one of those persons was mentally strong enough that she is still my friend but it took her two months and quite a much of alcohol to say it loud. Or rather, to ask that if I really meant what I said. During the years I have managed to take hold of it and not use it as a weapon, but there is still some occurrences.
Although, that superpower is also kind of good thing. I know what I must not say. But thanks to that, I stress extremely much what I say. Especially in written form.
The old me and new me is also colliding very hard to each other. The tech head in me isn't going anywhere and I'm just allowing myself to be interested in girly things. Invest to makeup and new things. Allowing myself to own things, which isn't absolute necessity but nice to have. Like light jacket when it starts to be bit cold but not enough to use proper jacket. This is causing major financial prioritizing problems. As those things my tech head wants costs typically several hundreds or thousands of euros, the girly things are rarely over 100€ a piece, but there is constant flow of smallish purchases.
I am some hybrid of a person. In every way in the meaning of the word. I don't have medical proof, but I think I am intersexual. My interests and behaviour are mix of typical male and typical female. I have somewhat androgynous looks and my practice voice is somewhat androgynous as well. Only the way I carry myself is signaling the feminine side, so more and more people are assuming correctly.
Is this just a phase I must go through during this transition?
I think way too much. It is starting to become a problem. I overanalyze things which should not be overanalyzed. Especially I'm over-analyzing myself. Even further if it concerns the physical changes happening in me.
I notice myself blowing another pink bubble around me. And I don't want it. It makes life much harder when I make decisions according to the ideal world inside the bubble and not according to the real world around me. Fantasizing about it is mostly fine but I should leave it to that level. Not go too far from reality.
The way I think is so different what it was couple of years ago. There haven't been empty box in over five years. There isn't even boxes anymore. Everything, which was in the boxes are just one big pile now and constantly connecting to each other.
This post is all over the place but I'm tipsy so I'm not even trying to make better sense than just mindflow.