Shifting mind
There is something going on in my mind, which has started way over a year ago and have evolved very slowly and almost unnoticed.
I don't know what exactly started it, but the way my mind works has changed. Two years ago, I was rather introvert, doing things by myself or with spouse, exhausting from socialising and ignoring other people. Last weekend was desucon, on sunday I searched for someone to go eat lunch with, and couldn't find anyone. Almost skipped the whole meal but I was too hungry so went anyway. Tables were rather full but there was one end of an table, to where I went to eat. Moments later some other volunteers came to that spot as well. Before I would have just ignored them, concentrating to my own food and leaving ASAP. But I listened them and talked with them. And after getting back home, I was just physically exhausted as I'm not used to take pics all day. Mentally I was the opposite. And I didn't even got the dose I wanted.
So, from where this need to socialize comes from? Well, it's obviously one of the basic needs for human but why the amount has grown so much? How come that I'm not exhausted from it but I get energy from it? Why I want to do things with someone and not alone? When I think about this, at least some of it comes from living alone. On typical week, my only IRL socializing is at work. Which is rather limited.
Nowadays, when I do something with my friends, I value the company more than the actual thing we are doing, like watching a movie. And I want to do it IRL. Text based socializing used to fill this need but it doesn't do it that well anymore.
Around the same time something else started to happen in my mind as well. I started to be more emotional. Very slowly, but anyway. Hormones blocked f.ex. crying but I had some kind of reaction anyway. If I saw something slightly sad or f.ex. read about hero dogs finding lost people or saving someone's life, it started to have an impact in me. And estrogen hasn't changed that a single bit. Only amplified it. The way I have started to feel was still the same, the emotion itself is just stronger.
I'm shifting from introvert to extrovert. At least a little bit. I wonder if depression has anything to do with this. Because I used to be somewhat extrovert in grade school. I have had this depression for over 10 years after all. And after break-up with ex, I started to actively do things to heal from it. One year is way too short time for that but there has been progress, which spawned this blog post as well. There will be day when I can say I'm not depressed anymore and that day is coming closer every moment.
Back in grade school, it was really easy for me to make new friends. I didn't have to use any additional effort for it. But I still wonder a bit what exactly has been the reason why I have lost most of those friends. Is it just my quick tongue or was there some other reason? Nowadays I wonder how you are able to make new friends in a first place. I don't have any school-like place or hobby, where I would see new people. There are conventions but people tend to be rather busy there.
There was something else I wanted to write about to this post but I'm getting too tired so I forgot. So, off to sleep~
I don't know what exactly started it, but the way my mind works has changed. Two years ago, I was rather introvert, doing things by myself or with spouse, exhausting from socialising and ignoring other people. Last weekend was desucon, on sunday I searched for someone to go eat lunch with, and couldn't find anyone. Almost skipped the whole meal but I was too hungry so went anyway. Tables were rather full but there was one end of an table, to where I went to eat. Moments later some other volunteers came to that spot as well. Before I would have just ignored them, concentrating to my own food and leaving ASAP. But I listened them and talked with them. And after getting back home, I was just physically exhausted as I'm not used to take pics all day. Mentally I was the opposite. And I didn't even got the dose I wanted.
So, from where this need to socialize comes from? Well, it's obviously one of the basic needs for human but why the amount has grown so much? How come that I'm not exhausted from it but I get energy from it? Why I want to do things with someone and not alone? When I think about this, at least some of it comes from living alone. On typical week, my only IRL socializing is at work. Which is rather limited.
Nowadays, when I do something with my friends, I value the company more than the actual thing we are doing, like watching a movie. And I want to do it IRL. Text based socializing used to fill this need but it doesn't do it that well anymore.
Around the same time something else started to happen in my mind as well. I started to be more emotional. Very slowly, but anyway. Hormones blocked f.ex. crying but I had some kind of reaction anyway. If I saw something slightly sad or f.ex. read about hero dogs finding lost people or saving someone's life, it started to have an impact in me. And estrogen hasn't changed that a single bit. Only amplified it. The way I have started to feel was still the same, the emotion itself is just stronger.
I'm shifting from introvert to extrovert. At least a little bit. I wonder if depression has anything to do with this. Because I used to be somewhat extrovert in grade school. I have had this depression for over 10 years after all. And after break-up with ex, I started to actively do things to heal from it. One year is way too short time for that but there has been progress, which spawned this blog post as well. There will be day when I can say I'm not depressed anymore and that day is coming closer every moment.
Back in grade school, it was really easy for me to make new friends. I didn't have to use any additional effort for it. But I still wonder a bit what exactly has been the reason why I have lost most of those friends. Is it just my quick tongue or was there some other reason? Nowadays I wonder how you are able to make new friends in a first place. I don't have any school-like place or hobby, where I would see new people. There are conventions but people tend to be rather busy there.
There was something else I wanted to write about to this post but I'm getting too tired so I forgot. So, off to sleep~