Droplets from the voyage of a trans-woman

Couple of people requested Finnish version of the medical record already, so here it goes, direct copy-paste from national health database system. Names are censored. 30.11.2017 TRANS-poliklinikka (YSPT), Tampereen yliopistollinen sairaala Tulosyy Potilaasta on tullut psykiatrian el [sensuroitu] lähete. On ollut työterveyshuollon kustannuksella psykiatrian arviossa masennuksen vuoksi. Siellä kertonut sukupuoli-identiteettiongelmastaan ja sitä kautta päädytty tekemään lähete. Myös vakava masennus todettu. Esitiedot (anamneesi) On ollut YSPT:llä edellisen kerran tutkimuksissa 2009-2011. Ks. ko. jakson tekstit tarkempien esitietojen ja johtopäätösten osalta. Potilas kertoo, että erosi puolisostaan 1/2017. Kyseessä sama henkilö, jonka kanssa oli suhteessa jo edellisen tutkimusjakson aikana. Puoliso löysi toisen miehen. Plas asui yhteisessä rivitaloasunnossa vielä parisen kuukautta ennen kuin löysi oman asunnon. Kertoo olevansa edelleen ystävä ex-puolison kanssa, ja on ystävä myös

I finally got the medical record of my visit. It is written in finnish, so translation is mine with the help of Google translate, so it might not be as accurate it could be as the language is very complicated (lots of passive forms and so). I have added some notes or omitted parts of text in between, which are marked [like this]. The diagnose was also added to national health database system finally. Note: Third person (he/she/it) in finnish is gender neutral (hän) so I have translated those as "he" as it is most accurate in this point still. 30.11.2017 TRANS-clinic (YSPT), initial estimate Reason of entry Reference has been received about patient from psychiatrist [name censored]. Has been in psychiatric estimation in the occupational health care because of depression. Told there about gender identity problem and that caused the reference. Also severe depression found. Prerequisites (anamnesis) Has been in YSPT last time 2009-2011 in examination. Patient tells t

This week has been interesting. I have drank alcohol in three days, walked home on every of those days and wore bit more... "revealing" shirt. Let's start with shirt. I own one black ladyfit t-shirt, which has green biohazard logo print. On top of corset, it won't leave anything to be guessed. It reveals all my shapes and highlights my boobs. I have used it whole week now, so every day in work and so one. The interesting fact is that no-one did comment it at work in any way. Maybe they are getting used to it little by little, which is good thing. And I have enjoyed so much every moment I have used this shirt. I just love it 💓 On Tuesday, one of my friends posted to facebook that she will go to pub and people may join her if anyone wants. I thought that is this a threat or a possibility, and decided that as I might have been bit lonely lately, this is definitely a possibility. And went there. Had great time, had opportunity to meet couple new friends as well. Alth

Today was new Tracon organizing crew kick-off and advent party. The kick-off was hosted at my workplace as our cafeteria was big enough for 60 people. After the kick-off was official advent party and some after-parties. So, another year starting for Tracon. Today was the kick-off of the new organizing crew, called conitea, so everyone has seen each other hopefully at least once, as there was introduction of all the teams and I said "learn to know me as Siika as my first name is going to change in about half a year" as I didn't want to make too much of a point about my process but make it obvious anyway. There was also some informational presentations from how things should be done and about privacy and security (GDPR is closing in anyway) as well as way of working. I made small presentation about confluence and jira, without preparing and thinking what I should talk about. And I was last one before parties and we was behind of schedule so I tried to shrink it down. So

Today was the visit to the transclinic to see the psychiatric senior doctor. I was very nervous for two reasons: I was almost late even when I reserved 45 minutes to this 15min trip, thanks to morning rush hour and tram construction, and the fact that I was going there. The doctor was more calm than she was 6,5 years ago, at least what I remember from that visit. She started with "Well, I read the reference and we have talked 6,5 years ago but I would like to know what do you think about your gender identity by yourself". I wasn't sure what to say as not much has changed from last time, other than I'm very sure what I want now. We chatted a bit and during it she wrote almost two A4 pages of notes. Unfortunately that text isn't yet readable from national health database system (omakanta), or from that part any citizen can access, as there is delay between that database and PSHP (Pirkanmaan SairaanHoitoPiiri, Pirkanmaa Hospital District in english) health record s

I have noticed something as I have lost some weight more and my face is getting androgynous again. With my current clothes and with my feminine speechless communication, I'm going through. I'm not sure if my voice is, but men lets me go first, other women act differently like in bus and I have noticed several random people to check me out. It's bit funny because I don't really feel like I'm going through, yet. Because I don't feel like that, I'm not used to it and sometimes it takes me half a second to realize that men are giving me way to enter bus first for example. I do have little bit resting bitch face, though, which might give wrong impression as well. But I have to learn to expect those little gestures, at least a little bit, as it will cause serious confusion if I don't take those spaces or act like I'm expected as those everyday gentlemen's expect me be grateful from the gestures. And this is so new to me. I didn't get those last t

Our photographing service went to Kumakumacon on last Saturday and I had same clothes that I had in Tracon, as I like that shirt and other clothing has been in daily use since Tracon, only exception being t-shirt on corset, which I didn't wear now, and that I haven't used corset daily before start of October. I also wore make-up, of course. Very subtle amount of it but I noticed that even that was enough to get this face to be through-going. After convention we stopped at gas station on our way home and grabbed some food. I remembered what I wore after I took my jacket off and sat down. There was some old grumps couple of tables away, who didn't either notice me, didn't care what I looked like or I was going through to them. No matter the reason, it was mild heart attack as I haven't been in "real" public much with that outfit. And I know that my voice will shatter the illusion anyway, as I haven't practiced my voice much, and even speaking with the

Today I went to my parents to change winter tyres to their car, which I'm permanently loaning currently. Because of that I used pants I used to use, long-sleeved shirt I used to wear under t-shirt some years ago and t-shirt. And some extra insulation as there is +5°C outside and jacket would be just in the way. I didn't realize how much that would cause anguish. The pants were so big and felt weird. The shirt combination just raised some unpleasant memories. After I was ready and drank coffee before leaving, I just wanted to throw the clothes away. Unfortunately I had to drive home first. I also thought that I don't want to change those tyres a single time anymore. I just hate it, even being easy. Losing weight has some side effects as well, it seems. I'm feeling cold nowadays. I have to think more what should I wear as I won't be able to survive Finnish winter the same way I used to. My hands and feet are almost constantly cold. I was able to wear enough clothes

A month without posting again, I need to practice this. Today morning mail came very early and bought nice letter. Invitation to trans-clinic. I will go there in bit over a month, 1.12., to see the psychiatric senior doctor, who leads the clinic, and is different person than the psychiatrist I have talked before in this blog. With the letter came also survey I need to fill. I was also bit surprised that I will see the psychiatrist first, last time I saw their specialized nurse first. That has to have something to do with that I have been there before. I really hope they will use shorter examination period. Although, now I have one month to practice my voice to the level that I'm able to speak with it more than one or two words and with correct pitch. I have been bit lazy with this, unfortunately. I have practiced the positioning of the thing in my throat while I was lying in bed as you don't have to do so much work against gravity and throat muscles don't have to deal kee

This doesn't concern my process directly, but affects to my well-being so I'm blogging about it. So, I had health conference yesterday with my boss and our occupational doctor. It was mainly because of my coping at work is bit bad as I have severe anxiety, even though I got "only" moderate from test. As it is very hard for me to start tasks. When I'm able, then there isn't any problem with it, until I finish it and it's time to start another one. So, we talked for a good while and my boss was understanding and he's mentality was/is that let's get this fixed. And the doctor was like "you haven't been on sick leave because of this. Are you really sure you don't need it?". So, as my own opinion is that it might be easier for me to do shorter workday, although I can't afford it. So, doctor suggested that she will write me partial sickness benefit. But pre-requisite for that is that I have been on sick leave for at least two week

There is one thing which has bugged me for a long time already. Why so many people take my way of speaking as flirting? Is it that I speak bit like women speak, which is very natural to me so cis-woman (and sometimes -men as well) take it as flirt, when I mean it as honest compliment or normal talk. Part of the problem is that I have kind of sixth sense of sensing people's emotions. I can differentiate very subtle changes in behaviour and kind of know the emotion behind it. That might be something what I have learned during the years as performing different (often very strong) emotions is standard thing for actor, one of the first things you have to learn, to be exact. So I'm very conscious of them. There is times when I'm able to sense emotion through written text, but that is much harder. There was case in Ropecon where I complimented one woman, who is also in the convention organizing scene, about her corset. As I have a thing for corsets, but who goth chick doesn'

Tracon had party tonight for people who worked in the event. There was quite a much of people and I drunk bit too much. Almost a bottle of red wine, one strong beer, one cider, one cocktail and little bit of whisky and it was too much for me. I threw up in the end.. And that isn't that much of alcohol in a first place! My crush was also in the party. There was good chance to tell her when we were somewhat in private, but she started to see other guy just recently. Oh well. But I did learn that it would not be problem for her to have a relationship with me! So I won't shut my feelings completely, but as I respect relationships, I will just wait and see what happens. Although I linked my blog to her so she will read this most likely. So! If you read this and if some day you are single again, let me know ;) I was blown away how many people were worried about me as I was in the toilet for quite some time. One of them was one of my oldest friends, which kind of surprised me as w

I have thought about life after walking around in public wearing corset and makeup. And I mean real public, not in the safety of Tampere-Talo. I went to grocery store near my apartment (biggest in the city) in saturday evening before doing anything to my looks and I felt bit out of place. But that was just because I weren't wearing jacket, like ~everyone else was, and corset added "bit" of fanciness which raised quite a much stares. Although I have to admit that I kinda like those stares.. But, the thoughts. I'm bored of being afraid. I have said more and more "I have nothing to lose" lately. That isn't exactly true but mostly. Almost nothing would be accurate as I do have job and place to live and food to eat. Life tends to give you wounds time to time, so it will be easier to just take the wound and live on. It will heal within time. Most of the time I have tried to avoid the wound and got even bigger wound that I would have if I wouldn't be afra

Tracon is now behind from my part. I was the long-range driver of the guests of honor and responsible of the networking. Both of the GoH's are now either left the country or in capital area waiting for their return flight. The start of the con was chaos. Fortunately we got it sorted out mostly within Friday. And, it was first time I wore skirt, corset, girly V-neckline shirt and makeup in public. And I enjoyed very much. My dear friend, who I was finally able to see again in person after many years, applied makeup for me for first day and gave me some of the products she used to me so I was able to apply it by myself for the second day. And it seems I haven't forgot everything in 7 years. I found it funny that people didn't really asked me much about my looks, but how I can wear the corset, especially for so long times. As it is just matter of getting used to it and you need to "run it in" so the corset will take shape according to your body and to be comfortabl

Almost another month without any posts. Tracon is just around the corner. Tomorrow is going to be the construction day and weekend the event itself. I have lost 16kg now after I started to lose weight "for real" little over half a year ago. I'm almost below the magic 30 BMI mark. It's something like less than one kilogram away. My sleep apnea has gotten better, very much even, but my body has awoken as well that "hey, this is what it was to be man". I can clearly feel the testosterone piling up. And I hate it. I want to get rid of it as soon as possible. Although I have read that testosterone production reduces when you are heavily overweight and will normalize when you get to more normal weight. I might bit tipsy while writing this post but it doesn't change what I feel. It just lowers the threshold. The drunkenness doesn't have the euphoric edge anymore. I haven't felt my brain covered in velvet for a long time. I kind of miss it already. B

Almost a month without posting. There hasn't been much to tell about. I have lost enough weight to fit my corset somewhat, still way to go so it fits and looks good. There was Ropecon, in which I was photographing. And vacation, of which there is one week left. And I'm still too afraid to practice my voice for some reason. So, it was quite soon after the last post when I was able to cram myself into the corset. It was bit too much forcing so I didn't tighten it up properly so I won't break myself or the corset. Now, couple of kilograms later, it won't still go as easily on than it should but at least I can do it without mirror. Although I'm not tightening it that much still, when I get my BMI below 30, I will check again. I have some 4kg to go to achieve that. So not much. I have lost ~13kg within half a year but I still have at least 20kg to go. I was about 8kg lighter when the measurements were taken when the corset was made, so it should start to sit and fi

I have tried to keep myself busy by watching things from YouTube and Crunchyroll but I have still been thinking things way too much. Although, I did find Stef Sanjati from YouTube and have watched her videos. As she is almost through the transition (only SRS (Sex Reassignment Surgery) lacks), she knows about it so much, obviously, so I have learned quite a bit. I didn't know that being trans-person is so hazardous in US that people are killed just by being what they are. It was something like 1 of 20 trans-persons are killed, especially if you are black trans-woman. Fortunately that is not issue in Finland, although I'm not sure about rest of the Europe. At least killing people here has more drastic effect to killer as it's illegal in all situations. Well, I might face hate, but not violence. And I doubt even that hate nowadays as awareness has grown. The anxiety towards my body has been especially bad lately. I have been eating badly because of that as well and slowing d

I have been thinking a lot this week how should I live currently. My behavior is some mixture of male and female, but my looks is mostly black meatball. I have lost weight and it can be seen as my stomach is much smaller, but my BMI is still way over 30 and my middle body is way too big and fat. Because of that I won't be able to fool anyone to think that I'm female. Maybe after I'm able to fit my corset as that will shape womanly figure for me. But even then I need some shirt that wouldn't hide the shape, like most of my shirts currently do as I'm still too big for the lady-fit shirts I have even then. Although, you won't believe me if I tell you my weight after looking how I look now. I'm kinda good to hide that fat and it's spread all around my body, not just middle body, like men usually have. But, how I should live then. I have had lots of anxiety as I have came out from closet to quite a many people now and I'm not sure if it's too much e

The party is over and went quite well. I had forgotten that when I'm surrounded by that kind of mob, I get panic attack. Fortunatelly I was able to suppress it and I talked with my dear friend (see post #2 ) through fb messenger which helped a lot. I also came out from closet to two persons during the evening, both took it very well. I'm feeling that one of them might become quite good friend of mine, but let's see how things go. I also noticed that alcohol affects me differently now. I get much dizzier faster and the drunkness has euphoric edge in it. I also feel especially feminine while drunk. But, the party definitely did what I wished, I saw lot's of my friends and it was refreshment. I also noticed that I want to hug everyone when I get tipsy in that kind of crowd. Not that it is a bad thing! I wanted to wear the corset today. I even got first tab from busk attached but not second, so it's very close! 1-2kg more and I will fit it. And it's not that I wou

Today was ruff. My mom came back from Lappi (she was visiting my big brother) and I was waiting at the train station for her to arrive, 5:45 in the morning.. And drove her back to home to Valkeakoski. I thought that this would be perfect opportunity, as my dad woke up as well when we were making coffee. So, I came out of the closet and they were shocked, obviously. But they took it rather evenly. I could sense the screaming "why" from their eyes but there was no drama. I finally got to know what my parent's would have named me if I was born as female: Nina. I have asked it before but my mom have just ignored the question with "it doesn't matter anymore" or something. I will stick with Mira though, I like it much more. We talked about my announcement for good two hours and because of that, I went to work bit late, fortunately we have flexible work hours. I also told to two of my nearest managers at work (my boss and the guy who looks after the processes and t

Today I went to see same psychiatrist which I did last week. We talked somewhat what has happened during the week, how the medication has started and so one. I also did depression test and got 28 points.. which is moderate depression. Although, when I filled it I noticed that most of the questions would get better, significantly even, after transition. She also wrote referral to the trans-clinic for me so that is going forward and I don't have to wait for yet another month. Yay ^_^. After workday I left to talk with my collegue, with who I do most of my work with, in garage, before I left work. Then, he asked that how it went at the doctor, what she said. I answered that I got what I went to get from there, referral to the trans-clinic. He wasn't suprised. He had a hunch about me already that this might be happening. One of the perks of having a job which requires high education; people are more open minded and tolerant. I'm pretty sure other people at work would take this

I'm very straigth and uncensored about my thoughts in this post, I apologize in advance. Also sorry if I use strange words as especially medical vocabulary is unknown to me. Today has been interesting. I have thought a lot about past 8 years, the gender discomfort and my depression and why I feel I have never healed from it. No wonder as the source of that depression hasn't gone anywhere. I have just tried to push it away. Which was easier for the first couple of years but got harder and harder every year. And now, when I allowed myself to feel, I can feel the depression finally starting to go away. I'm not sure how much of it is caused by depression meds I have been eating little less than a week now, but as those meds usually take something like a month to get up and running properly, I highly doubt that those have much effect in my current feeling. I also have a feeling that the second cycle of the losing weight has started. I weight myself every morning and the read

I'm very straigth and uncensored about my thoughts in this post, I apologize in advance. Also sorry if I use strange words as especially medical vocabulary is unknown to me. My mind is complicating things once again. After a month or so after I moved away from ex-girlfriend's place after breakup, it decided that the transwoman thing would be cool again. I've had huge mental battles with this as before I started relationship with ex-girlfriend little less than 7 years ago, I was being treated in trans-clinic, where you would go if you want to fix your gender. At that time I was told that my need isn't great enough. I'm not sure how much my physical, quite natural but still manly, style fit there as I didn't wear makeup or corset or skirt, as I was at school that time. I was little bit afraid what my classmates would say. Also, ex-girlfriend told to the doctors that I'm man to her and have been against the transition passively all the time. So, I'm fight