Thoughts about life

I have thought about life after walking around in public wearing corset and makeup. And I mean real public, not in the safety of Tampere-Talo. I went to grocery store near my apartment (biggest in the city) in saturday evening before doing anything to my looks and I felt bit out of place. But that was just because I weren't wearing jacket, like ~everyone else was, and corset added "bit" of fanciness which raised quite a much stares. Although I have to admit that I kinda like those stares..

But, the thoughts. I'm bored of being afraid. I have said more and more "I have nothing to lose" lately. That isn't exactly true but mostly. Almost nothing would be accurate as I do have job and place to live and food to eat. Life tends to give you wounds time to time, so it will be easier to just take the wound and live on. It will heal within time. Most of the time I have tried to avoid the wound and got even bigger wound that I would have if I wouldn't be afraid of it. I have seen it so many times now. And getting tired of it.

Finnish people are also so very modest. When I went to work in a skirt and had a handbag with me, no-one said anything about the skirt. No-one. And even the handbag got just one question, "Oh, you have a new bag?". That is most likely the same thing I have thought about before, like how introverts Finns generally are. Even my mom is more afraid what people will say to me than I am. But Tampere is bigger city than Valkeakoski so that might have something to do with it as well. But I have seen it countless times that only those, who are close enough, will say anything at all. And even then most of them will stay silent. So, am I afraid of those couple of people who might say something I don't want to hear? Why would I make my own life miserable because of that fear? It would be so much easier to just take those words and let them go through you without any thought. Even if those words wound me, why should I make the wounds even worse and harder to heal by accepting that fear? As it is them, who are afraid, not me.

I watched the program of one of Tracon's this year's Guests of Honor, Angel Leigh McCoy, from youtube (audio is broken until 12:38, streaming software didn't like its life. There will be new version with proper audio later). She talked about Life's Dream and that Universe has your back. That made me think about my life. I don't know (yet) what my life's dream is, as that is something which you carry with you, which will evolve with you. It might be being girly girl, but I'm not sure yet. And I have seen already several times that universe really has your back. First time was when I almost died to inflammation of the cecum (umpisuolen tulehdus in finnish) at the age of four, as doctors thought it would be impossible for that young person. There is couple of other examples as well, like when I changed school to study something I wanted and afterwards getting to university of applied sciences on a first try which isn't very likely. And got my current job. Let's see if it has my back when I'm going to confess to my crush that I would like to date her.

And on that subject. I have known my current crush for quite some time, but we don't really know each other. Just two persons with a same hobby. But like I said above, I'm tired of being afraid. So I'm going to confess really early on and not giving those obvious hints that I'm interested. It's easier for both if I tell about my feelings right away and if she turns me down, so be it. Clean cut before my feelings grow too strong. Although I would love to hear yes. She do know what I'm going through though, so that might be too much for her. Dunno, I will hear it soon enough.

Like my motto: "Make a choice. Live with the consequences." I have made mine and I'm not afraid anymore.

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