Euphoric feelings
I'm very straigth and uncensored about my thoughts in this post, I apologize in advance. Also sorry if I use strange words as especially medical vocabulary is unknown to me.
Today has been interesting. I have thought a lot about past 8 years, the gender discomfort and my depression and why I feel I have never healed from it. No wonder as the source of that depression hasn't gone anywhere. I have just tried to push it away. Which was easier for the first couple of years but got harder and harder every year. And now, when I allowed myself to feel, I can feel the depression finally starting to go away. I'm not sure how much of it is caused by depression meds I have been eating little less than a week now, but as those meds usually take something like a month to get up and running properly, I highly doubt that those have much effect in my current feeling.
I also have a feeling that the second cycle of the losing weight has started. I weight myself every morning and the reading has dropped three days in a row. I also noticed that my tummy is noticeably smaller. Which means that not much and I can fit my corset <3. My mind is also sending quite strong signals. I have had several hot waves today (which you usually get during hormone therapy when the estrogen dosage is too small) and I'm feeling euphoric. It's very hard to concentrate to anything as that feel is filling my brains and making thinking very slow. I also sent message to old friend of mine, who had to back up several years ago as ex-girlfriend felt her as a threat. She was happy to hear from me and I had a feeling that we continued like there was no pause. Another friend called me Mira out of the blue after reading the first blog post, and made me cry from happiness. I cannot be happier to have such a true friends around me.
Apart from hot waves and euphoria, my mind has played tricks on me. I have had constant hallucinational feeling that I have pussy instead of dick. That feeling goes away momentarily when it touches the fabric of my pajama trousers but comes back right away. My mind has confused me with some fantasies as well. It made me think about sex with another woman, when I'm post-op. And suddenly there was man in the fantasy, starting to have threesome. Two months back my dick would be full erect in this point. Now, it had barely moved. My mind also gave names to these two other people, which are my friends. Kinda disturbing but oh well. And yes, I'm poly-bisexual.
I also watched couple of videos from youtube about transwoman voice training. I tried a bit by myself but I couldn't get there yet. Also, speaking to the walls (literally) feels dumb, I need someone to talk with so I could practice this at the same time. Although I'm bit scared how I sound like in the end. I'm also starting to practice things what I would do post-op, like always sitting in a toilet.
But now is time for some shoujo-ai anime!
Today has been interesting. I have thought a lot about past 8 years, the gender discomfort and my depression and why I feel I have never healed from it. No wonder as the source of that depression hasn't gone anywhere. I have just tried to push it away. Which was easier for the first couple of years but got harder and harder every year. And now, when I allowed myself to feel, I can feel the depression finally starting to go away. I'm not sure how much of it is caused by depression meds I have been eating little less than a week now, but as those meds usually take something like a month to get up and running properly, I highly doubt that those have much effect in my current feeling.
I also have a feeling that the second cycle of the losing weight has started. I weight myself every morning and the reading has dropped three days in a row. I also noticed that my tummy is noticeably smaller. Which means that not much and I can fit my corset <3. My mind is also sending quite strong signals. I have had several hot waves today (which you usually get during hormone therapy when the estrogen dosage is too small) and I'm feeling euphoric. It's very hard to concentrate to anything as that feel is filling my brains and making thinking very slow. I also sent message to old friend of mine, who had to back up several years ago as ex-girlfriend felt her as a threat. She was happy to hear from me and I had a feeling that we continued like there was no pause. Another friend called me Mira out of the blue after reading the first blog post, and made me cry from happiness. I cannot be happier to have such a true friends around me.
Apart from hot waves and euphoria, my mind has played tricks on me. I have had constant hallucinational feeling that I have pussy instead of dick. That feeling goes away momentarily when it touches the fabric of my pajama trousers but comes back right away. My mind has confused me with some fantasies as well. It made me think about sex with another woman, when I'm post-op. And suddenly there was man in the fantasy, starting to have threesome. Two months back my dick would be full erect in this point. Now, it had barely moved. My mind also gave names to these two other people, which are my friends. Kinda disturbing but oh well. And yes, I'm poly-bisexual.
I also watched couple of videos from youtube about transwoman voice training. I tried a bit by myself but I couldn't get there yet. Also, speaking to the walls (literally) feels dumb, I need someone to talk with so I could practice this at the same time. Although I'm bit scared how I sound like in the end. I'm also starting to practice things what I would do post-op, like always sitting in a toilet.
But now is time for some shoujo-ai anime!