New Privileges
I have noticed something as I have lost some weight more and my face is getting androgynous again. With my current clothes and with my feminine speechless communication, I'm going through. I'm not sure if my voice is, but men lets me go first, other women act differently like in bus and I have noticed several random people to check me out. It's bit funny because I don't really feel like I'm going through, yet.
Because I don't feel like that, I'm not used to it and sometimes it takes me half a second to realize that men are giving me way to enter bus first for example. I do have little bit resting bitch face, though, which might give wrong impression as well. But I have to learn to expect those little gestures, at least a little bit, as it will cause serious confusion if I don't take those spaces or act like I'm expected as those everyday gentlemen's expect me be grateful from the gestures. And this is so new to me. I didn't get those last time 7 years ago. Does it mean that my speechless communication is better now, or I'm more through-going now, or what? Or both? Or is it just that as my jacket highlights my little boobs a bit, people just assume I'm ugly woman, who didn't bother to put any makeup on today? Whatever the reason is, I'm absolutely sure that you cannot disparage the importance of speechless communication. How you move, carry and express yourself. And that has been really easy for me this time, for some reason. Maybe these years thinking this in my subconscious has resulted this.
I have thinked about speechless communication couple of months now and have paid bit extra effort towards it. Like keeping knees together while sitting and not manspreading, although I haven't done that quite widely ever, but not even that extent. To keep my legs together while standing still and distributing my weight evenly and not tilting my hip and putting all my weight to one leg only. And if I do that, I will stand little bit differently than before, keeping my legs bit more together. I intentionally learned to walk womanly years ago, so I have just added some attention to it so I will use my hips to walk, like woman should. I have thought how I keep my hands while walking and standing. And, most interestingly, I haven't checked these from internet, but looking around and imitating other women, while tuning everything I have saw to suit my personal style. As gothic style gives some expectations as well. And I have done this mostly without giving it too much though. I know that I have thinked this a bit every now and then, but not in same extent like my life after SRS. Actually quite little. More like observation and applying that with intuition.
But, this is giving some cues as well. I think I will really start to practice my voice at work. Only little bit at first as it will tire my vocal cords but as I speak most of what I speak during the week at work, that is the place where I should practice. As they will be listening me the most as well, they should get used to my new voice as well. I bet this is most likely the biggest shock to most, as it is something so concrete. I'm quite sure first questions will be raised about my transition this time. It's too big to ignore and my colleagues are close enough to open their mouth. Or at least I expect them to be. We will see soon enough if they really are. Most of them have their doubts at least if nothing else.
And if nothing else, all this gives me more confidence. Confidence that I'm doing right thing. That my need is great enough. And I'm confident that that confidence will be seen at trans-clinic.
Because I don't feel like that, I'm not used to it and sometimes it takes me half a second to realize that men are giving me way to enter bus first for example. I do have little bit resting bitch face, though, which might give wrong impression as well. But I have to learn to expect those little gestures, at least a little bit, as it will cause serious confusion if I don't take those spaces or act like I'm expected as those everyday gentlemen's expect me be grateful from the gestures. And this is so new to me. I didn't get those last time 7 years ago. Does it mean that my speechless communication is better now, or I'm more through-going now, or what? Or both? Or is it just that as my jacket highlights my little boobs a bit, people just assume I'm ugly woman, who didn't bother to put any makeup on today? Whatever the reason is, I'm absolutely sure that you cannot disparage the importance of speechless communication. How you move, carry and express yourself. And that has been really easy for me this time, for some reason. Maybe these years thinking this in my subconscious has resulted this.
I have thinked about speechless communication couple of months now and have paid bit extra effort towards it. Like keeping knees together while sitting and not manspreading, although I haven't done that quite widely ever, but not even that extent. To keep my legs together while standing still and distributing my weight evenly and not tilting my hip and putting all my weight to one leg only. And if I do that, I will stand little bit differently than before, keeping my legs bit more together. I intentionally learned to walk womanly years ago, so I have just added some attention to it so I will use my hips to walk, like woman should. I have thought how I keep my hands while walking and standing. And, most interestingly, I haven't checked these from internet, but looking around and imitating other women, while tuning everything I have saw to suit my personal style. As gothic style gives some expectations as well. And I have done this mostly without giving it too much though. I know that I have thinked this a bit every now and then, but not in same extent like my life after SRS. Actually quite little. More like observation and applying that with intuition.
But, this is giving some cues as well. I think I will really start to practice my voice at work. Only little bit at first as it will tire my vocal cords but as I speak most of what I speak during the week at work, that is the place where I should practice. As they will be listening me the most as well, they should get used to my new voice as well. I bet this is most likely the biggest shock to most, as it is something so concrete. I'm quite sure first questions will be raised about my transition this time. It's too big to ignore and my colleagues are close enough to open their mouth. Or at least I expect them to be. We will see soon enough if they really are. Most of them have their doubts at least if nothing else.
And if nothing else, all this gives me more confidence. Confidence that I'm doing right thing. That my need is great enough. And I'm confident that that confidence will be seen at trans-clinic.