Wandering Thoughts 2

I have tried to keep myself busy by watching things from YouTube and Crunchyroll but I have still been thinking things way too much. Although, I did find Stef Sanjati from YouTube and have watched her videos. As she is almost through the transition (only SRS (Sex Reassignment Surgery) lacks), she knows about it so much, obviously, so I have learned quite a bit. I didn't know that being trans-person is so hazardous in US that people are killed just by being what they are. It was something like 1 of 20 trans-persons are killed, especially if you are black trans-woman. Fortunately that is not issue in Finland, although I'm not sure about rest of the Europe. At least killing people here has more drastic effect to killer as it's illegal in all situations. Well, I might face hate, but not violence. And I doubt even that hate nowadays as awareness has grown.

The anxiety towards my body has been especially bad lately. I have been eating badly because of that as well and slowing down the weight loss. It's not stopped, but it went upwards couple of kilograms and until last morning it was more than to where I was able to drop it. Now it's back on track but useless week. Why losing weight is so hard?! I hope that I can keep it on track during my holiday, which started yesterday. I better would, I want to fit the corset in ropecon next weekend. Although I yearn for pizza or hamburger.

I really would like to know my hormone levels now. My nipples have gotten much more sensitive, and my ..breasts (they are not boobs yet really) cannot stand hits although they are not exactly sensitive to touch. Things that hurts just hurts more than before. I have that velvety feeling around my brains more often, not all the time but anyway. I also have noticed that my vision is more clear. I have excellent eye sight but thanks to migraine, I have something, which looks lot like a sensor noise of a video camera in my vision. Very subtle but anyway. And there have been days when it has been gone. I'm not sure when it have started but it's been in my vision constantly for a good while already. And my migraine is acting up as well, in a good way. My migraine attacks has been very cumbersome lately (2-3 years), lasting for several days and causing only mild pain with bad feeling and brain block. Very annoying from work perspective as the pain is low enough for continue to work but brain block seizes thinking, which is quite crucial in my job. My latest attack was very clear, with moderate pain, and lasted less than a day. Much better than those couple of day long attacks which may start so lightly that first day of the attack might just ruin your good nights sleep. Makes me feel more like that even my body is against testosterone and being male, although losing weight might have some role in it as well.

Writing this blog, even in this little extent, have helped me quite a lot mentally. It's not same thing as talking with someone but at least I can get things out from my mind. I also re-read my old posts A LOT. I have read the first post now for at least 30 times, and others many, many times as well. I was pretty anxious when I started to write this post (that was the main reason I started to write it) but now I'm feeling bit better.

But, it's very late again so off to sleep!

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