Wandering Thoughts 3
Almost a month without posting. There hasn't been much to tell about. I have lost enough weight to fit my corset somewhat, still way to go so it fits and looks good. There was Ropecon, in which I was photographing. And vacation, of which there is one week left. And I'm still too afraid to practice my voice for some reason.
So, it was quite soon after the last post when I was able to cram myself into the corset. It was bit too much forcing so I didn't tighten it up properly so I won't break myself or the corset. Now, couple of kilograms later, it won't still go as easily on than it should but at least I can do it without mirror. Although I'm not tightening it that much still, when I get my BMI below 30, I will check again. I have some 4kg to go to achieve that. So not much. I have lost ~13kg within half a year but I still have at least 20kg to go. I was about 8kg lighter when the measurements were taken when the corset was made, so it should start to sit and fit properly soon.
Ropecon was two weeks back in the weekend (28.-30.7.) and our photography service was there. Although everyone else from our crew was busy so I was alone. One other person from the crew was doing other stuff in the convention so he was able to help me to build and dismantle the studio, as the backdrop is hung on a rack and that requires two persons to raise it. The event itself was not-so-busy as relative percentage of cosplayers and otherwise fancy dressed people of the guests was quite low. But most of those, who had some kind of costume, came to take a picture of themselves, which was nice. Was also good opportunity to practice person photography as I have taken pictures of dogs mostly in the last five years.
I have been on vacation last three weeks and I have still one week left. I have mostly tried to keep myself busy by watching anime and playing Guild Wars 2, and let things to process in subconsciousness. Lot of new questions raise up into my mind like position of women in the society currently. They raise anxiety, but aren't that much of a problem that I would change my mind. Although, I have also started to think how I should behave in front of other women and especially men, as I don't have any patterns ready. Some of them might come naturally, especially with estrogen, as I will be living more, not just inside my brain like have now (see post #6). I'm also censoring myself a lot, so people won't get suspicious. Or act "like I should". I'm talking about that as well in that post. Some of that might be just that I'm Finnish person, as that is kinda in our genes, to be introvert and not to show too much about yourself but keep it inside. We will see how that goes in the future.
And my voice. I don't understand why I'm so afraid about how I'm going to sound like, that I'm unable to practice my voice. I should be quite able to change that to the direction I want but there is some very big obstacle in my brain currently. Some of it might be that I don't have anyone to talk with but most of it is just I'm afraid. And it causes lots of anxiety to me. I would really much like to know why. I really should just stand up and walk against my fear and overcome it, like I have done with the process itself. But it is so very hard.
Tracon is closing up as well. 4 weeks and it will be pretty much over in this time of the day and week. I'm responsible of the networking and that isn't very hard for me as the basic setup is quite easy. But I'm stressing it as well way too much I should be. I'm also wondering in what kind of clothing I should appear there. I would like to wear my skirt and corset and my favorite shirt, wear makeup and talk with girly voice and see if I go through to the audience. As I will be announcing two winners of which audience has voted to the top. But I'm not sure if I'm ready then. I should be practicing my voice already if I would want to be. And get my skirt fixed as well as check if the shirt is still in usable condition.
Well, there was more to tell about than I though when I started to write this post. I hope there wouldn't be that long time for the next one.
So, it was quite soon after the last post when I was able to cram myself into the corset. It was bit too much forcing so I didn't tighten it up properly so I won't break myself or the corset. Now, couple of kilograms later, it won't still go as easily on than it should but at least I can do it without mirror. Although I'm not tightening it that much still, when I get my BMI below 30, I will check again. I have some 4kg to go to achieve that. So not much. I have lost ~13kg within half a year but I still have at least 20kg to go. I was about 8kg lighter when the measurements were taken when the corset was made, so it should start to sit and fit properly soon.
Ropecon was two weeks back in the weekend (28.-30.7.) and our photography service was there. Although everyone else from our crew was busy so I was alone. One other person from the crew was doing other stuff in the convention so he was able to help me to build and dismantle the studio, as the backdrop is hung on a rack and that requires two persons to raise it. The event itself was not-so-busy as relative percentage of cosplayers and otherwise fancy dressed people of the guests was quite low. But most of those, who had some kind of costume, came to take a picture of themselves, which was nice. Was also good opportunity to practice person photography as I have taken pictures of dogs mostly in the last five years.
I have been on vacation last three weeks and I have still one week left. I have mostly tried to keep myself busy by watching anime and playing Guild Wars 2, and let things to process in subconsciousness. Lot of new questions raise up into my mind like position of women in the society currently. They raise anxiety, but aren't that much of a problem that I would change my mind. Although, I have also started to think how I should behave in front of other women and especially men, as I don't have any patterns ready. Some of them might come naturally, especially with estrogen, as I will be living more, not just inside my brain like have now (see post #6). I'm also censoring myself a lot, so people won't get suspicious. Or act "like I should". I'm talking about that as well in that post. Some of that might be just that I'm Finnish person, as that is kinda in our genes, to be introvert and not to show too much about yourself but keep it inside. We will see how that goes in the future.
And my voice. I don't understand why I'm so afraid about how I'm going to sound like, that I'm unable to practice my voice. I should be quite able to change that to the direction I want but there is some very big obstacle in my brain currently. Some of it might be that I don't have anyone to talk with but most of it is just I'm afraid. And it causes lots of anxiety to me. I would really much like to know why. I really should just stand up and walk against my fear and overcome it, like I have done with the process itself. But it is so very hard.
Tracon is closing up as well. 4 weeks and it will be pretty much over in this time of the day and week. I'm responsible of the networking and that isn't very hard for me as the basic setup is quite easy. But I'm stressing it as well way too much I should be. I'm also wondering in what kind of clothing I should appear there. I would like to wear my skirt and corset and my favorite shirt, wear makeup and talk with girly voice and see if I go through to the audience. As I will be announcing two winners of which audience has voted to the top. But I'm not sure if I'm ready then. I should be practicing my voice already if I would want to be. And get my skirt fixed as well as check if the shirt is still in usable condition.
Well, there was more to tell about than I though when I started to write this post. I hope there wouldn't be that long time for the next one.