Wandering Thoughts 1
I have been thinking a lot this week how should I live currently. My behavior is some mixture of male and female, but my looks is mostly black meatball. I have lost weight and it can be seen as my stomach is much smaller, but my BMI is still way over 30 and my middle body is way too big and fat. Because of that I won't be able to fool anyone to think that I'm female. Maybe after I'm able to fit my corset as that will shape womanly figure for me. But even then I need some shirt that wouldn't hide the shape, like most of my shirts currently do as I'm still too big for the lady-fit shirts I have even then. Although, you won't believe me if I tell you my weight after looking how I look now. I'm kinda good to hide that fat and it's spread all around my body, not just middle body, like men usually have.
But, how I should live then. I have had lots of anxiety as I have came out from closet to quite a many people now and I'm not sure if it's too much even. Nothing will happen for a good while still, other than losing weight. That is kinda funny why it's causing me anxiety as it should be the opposite. Today it was so bad that my hands were shaking when I walked towards my workstation from garage and it held for over an hour. I'm not able to focus my work. I kinda want to tell everybody that this will be happening but what should I say then if They say that my need still isn't great enough. I kinda fear that, a lot. And I feel out of place if I just try to continue like I have. I'm an actor but my work is very mentally tiring without any role, and I should have this forced role on top of that. I'm not sure if I'm able to handle that. So either I should ditch the role and be what I want to be and gamble everything I have or keep the role until They give me The Answer if I can continue to treatments. Currently I feel that as my coping at work isn't at 100% anyway so I should ditch everything which just causes more stress and anxiety. And, I have also a feeling that if I take the role I want to live in, I will be more at ease at the trans-clinic as well. But, what should I wear?
Starting this process while having a job feels like that I need to tell everybody at work early enough that this kind of thing is happening. But in the other hand, my looks or voice shouldn't affect to my working in any way, or how I do work with my colleagues. Although I do know that that kind of thinking comes from my ex and I should get rid of it ("Only those should be informed who has the right to know and have a need for the information", but how you consider the right and need to know in this situation in the other hand). Life is hard, especially if you are mixing it by yourself with this kind of things, which will turn your whole life upside down.
My mind have started to feel more fragile, but it feels like it's inside of a globe made from heavily armored glass. That I'm starting to feel for real but nothing comes through. I'm watching anime Love Live! School Idol Project and there has been couple of times I would have wanted to cry. But nothing came through. Only heavy feeling on chest. It feels really bad and it will drive me crazy if this continues for too long. And I would like to talk with somebody beside table really much. Chatting through internet is helping somewhat but it's not the same as face-to-face. You cannot touch other person without physical presence. ..And on that subject, I need to buy something I can hug while watching something from TV, like giant nemuneko plush.
Lots of questions but no answers. I hope I find those answers soon enough.
But, how I should live then. I have had lots of anxiety as I have came out from closet to quite a many people now and I'm not sure if it's too much even. Nothing will happen for a good while still, other than losing weight. That is kinda funny why it's causing me anxiety as it should be the opposite. Today it was so bad that my hands were shaking when I walked towards my workstation from garage and it held for over an hour. I'm not able to focus my work. I kinda want to tell everybody that this will be happening but what should I say then if They say that my need still isn't great enough. I kinda fear that, a lot. And I feel out of place if I just try to continue like I have. I'm an actor but my work is very mentally tiring without any role, and I should have this forced role on top of that. I'm not sure if I'm able to handle that. So either I should ditch the role and be what I want to be and gamble everything I have or keep the role until They give me The Answer if I can continue to treatments. Currently I feel that as my coping at work isn't at 100% anyway so I should ditch everything which just causes more stress and anxiety. And, I have also a feeling that if I take the role I want to live in, I will be more at ease at the trans-clinic as well. But, what should I wear?
Starting this process while having a job feels like that I need to tell everybody at work early enough that this kind of thing is happening. But in the other hand, my looks or voice shouldn't affect to my working in any way, or how I do work with my colleagues. Although I do know that that kind of thinking comes from my ex and I should get rid of it ("Only those should be informed who has the right to know and have a need for the information", but how you consider the right and need to know in this situation in the other hand). Life is hard, especially if you are mixing it by yourself with this kind of things, which will turn your whole life upside down.
My mind have started to feel more fragile, but it feels like it's inside of a globe made from heavily armored glass. That I'm starting to feel for real but nothing comes through. I'm watching anime Love Live! School Idol Project and there has been couple of times I would have wanted to cry. But nothing came through. Only heavy feeling on chest. It feels really bad and it will drive me crazy if this continues for too long. And I would like to talk with somebody beside table really much. Chatting through internet is helping somewhat but it's not the same as face-to-face. You cannot touch other person without physical presence. ..And on that subject, I need to buy something I can hug while watching something from TV, like giant nemuneko plush.
Lots of questions but no answers. I hope I find those answers soon enough.