Uncensored tipsy thoughts 1

Almost another month without any posts. Tracon is just around the corner. Tomorrow is going to be the construction day and weekend the event itself.

I have lost 16kg now after I started to lose weight "for real" little over half a year ago. I'm almost below the magic 30 BMI mark. It's something like less than one kilogram away. My sleep apnea has gotten better, very much even, but my body has awoken as well that "hey, this is what it was to be man". I can clearly feel the testosterone piling up. And I hate it. I want to get rid of it as soon as possible. Although I have read that testosterone production reduces when you are heavily overweight and will normalize when you get to more normal weight.

I might bit tipsy while writing this post but it doesn't change what I feel. It just lowers the threshold. The drunkenness doesn't have the euphoric edge anymore. I haven't felt my brain covered in velvet for a long time. I kind of miss it already. But I did feel something I haven't felt yet. When the hop was hitting, I wanted to get dick inside of me. Really bad. I have thought about it, what is my opinion, but never thought it any further. Although I'm starting to feel shift towards men, that I'm more "real" bi-sexual than I have been until this point. I wanna get fucked by a person. And it doesn't matter what gender that person represents, so maybe I'm actually shifting towards pansexuality? Or have been pan all the time and just not realizing it. That might be the most likely case. And needs more thought.

I was able to get over the demonization of my voice. I also found video about how trans-woman should produce their voice anatomically correct way. And I wouldn't believe she was trans if she didn't use her male voice. She was that natural sounding. And explained it very well what you should do. But it's gonna take some serious practice as you need to take control of some muscles in the throat you usually don't control consciously. But if the results are that good, it's worth the time. Even if it takes half a year to be able to even produce any passing girly voice. Although there is some flu-plague rampaging around so my throat is bit sore, so I didn't want to overload my vocal cords. But now I'm even able to practice it! That is HUGE step forward.

So, Tracon. I'm responsible for the networking. Which is one of the most crucial components as so many things needs internet in our infrastructure. And I'd like to be as girly as possible as this kind of events are very tolerant and liberal so even the oddest souls can feel fitting in. Even the mental health department of Tampere have said that our event is the brightest spot of the year for many people. But I don't have any makeup. None. And I won't be fooling anyone without it with this face. Maybe not even with makeup. Although, now I have enough money to buy makeup as I loaned bit more from my parents as I will be the long haul driver for the guests of honor. And the car I have at my disposal is bit thirsty so I have to have some buffer. But. I will get that money back from the event and I can reuse it to buy makeup. And I should have enough to spare that I can at least buy the most basic things to get something done. One of the reasons is that, as I have mentioned in previous post, I will be announcing two winners of audience favourites. And one of them will be streamed to youtube. I don't mind, as this is just temporary state, but I would like to look and sound as ready as possible. But thanks to the flu-plague, my voice won't definitely be passing and I'm still bit too fat to actually look good in corset. Next year is whole different story though. Then I might be using mini skirt! At least I'm planning to.

This need is starting to distract my daily life more every day. I would like to do the shift to the girly side. To represent what I want to be. This affected me at work slightly last week as our company wants to buy hoodies for all of us. And there is ladyfit as well as unisex. And I want to get the ladyfit as it... well, fits better. But the ordering list was on the table, for anyone to browse (well, you have to be able to get into the office but..). So I sent email to the person who is organizing the order, one of the HR persons, and told why I want ladyfit and not to put my order publicly to the list.  And the response was what I kind of expected but this was confirmation to it. HR, and the company, stand behind be, supporting. Like I said, I didn't doubt it in any point, but now I have something concrete to believe in. And it was a relief as well. The HR was even ready to help me to tell my boss. But I told them that he knew already. They were happy and told me to keep them updated as well. I definitely will. It just underlines so heavily the culture in this industry. There is two things that matters. Your skills and mental health. Looks, gender, whatever you suits you is mostly OK as long as it's not something too unprofessional. Yeah, there is much more men than women but that is most likely because of interests and not that this is some kindly hostile environment for women.

I hope I can meet lots of my friends which live in capital area or otherwise far away. I kind of miss them. My mind has shifted so much during the last two months. Although I still live inside my head but I feel more lively anyway. Even with the heavy anxiety. And while it feels bad that my feelings doesn't really penetrate the armored globe, they exist and are starting to bloom. I can feel the growth of the seedlings, which I have blocked away before. And feel more.. me. Feel more home, what I want to be.

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