Wandering thoughts 5
Our photographing service went to Kumakumacon on last Saturday and I had same clothes that I had in Tracon, as I like that shirt and other clothing has been in daily use since Tracon, only exception being t-shirt on corset, which I didn't wear now, and that I haven't used corset daily before start of October. I also wore make-up, of course. Very subtle amount of it but I noticed that even that was enough to get this face to be through-going.
After convention we stopped at gas station on our way home and grabbed some food. I remembered what I wore after I took my jacket off and sat down. There was some old grumps couple of tables away, who didn't either notice me, didn't care what I looked like or I was going through to them. No matter the reason, it was mild heart attack as I haven't been in "real" public much with that outfit. And I know that my voice will shatter the illusion anyway, as I haven't practiced my voice much, and even speaking with the more girly voice, the pitch isn't correct yet so most people will notice that I'm not what I look like.
Nevertheless, the fact that I'm starting to be through-going again feels so good. I have had recently much mental fight about which public bathroom I should use, and for now, I have used men's. No-one has said anything yet but I have just thought that if someone does, I will just answer "appearances can be deceptive" (ulkonäkö pettää in finnish) with male voice. I think that after I'm able to use passing girl voice and if I'm wearing make-up, I will use women's bathroom. Although, this is very classic problem to trans-people, when there isn't unisex bathrooms available.
My dear friend visited her friends on Saturday here in Tampere and me as well in the evening and spent the night at my place, as she lives in capital and she was going to visit her father yesterday as it was father's day in Finland and it was much cheaper and easier to stay here the night and continue from here to north. We had nice chat and went to sauna. Which was great as I'm lazy to warm it up just for myself. I wish there will not be that long time for next time we will see in person.
I have noticed that I enjoy talking with people more nowadays. And by talking, either face-to-face or over the internet using discord's voice or mumble or teamspeak. I might be bit lonely and that helps more than just chatting through text. Downside in that is that if I want to see people more face-to-face, that usually requires money. As the talking usually happens in cafe or pub with some beverage(s), and those aren't free. Although I should be able to put some money aside soon-ish by returning the parking permit of my workplace and buying one year bus card with tax returns.
My first visit to trans-clinic is creeping closer and I'm starting to get nervous. As I really don't know what will wait me there. Most likely the psychiatrist will interview me and check the survey but what she will say is what makes me nervous. Although I don't exactly fear that I will be turned down like last time as I have feeling that my need is definitely great enough now. But they could give me half year penalty-wait because I have depression. Which is completely stupid in my opinion as the whole depression is caused by gender dysphoria. But you never know. Maybe I fear a little.
What makes me think that my need is great enough? Well, just recently international institution called World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH) released newest version of treatment recommendation of trans-people, which was translated to Finnish. Both trans-clinics of Finland were involved in this process so I believe that will affect the treatments somewhat. Reading that through gave quite a much new information to me, like the fact when the doctors should recommend HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) as it is defined by the state of gender dysphoria. But the main point in it was to give information to the patients through the doctors that what the gender dysphoria is about, what treatments are available and what HRT and SRS will do and what kind of risks it involves and so one. Interestingly finnish sources about the MtF HRT usually includes that if you have migraine, it will get worse. That paper didn't mention migraine (or anything somewhat related to migraine) in any way. And as I have feeling that my own body is against testosterone and almost everything will get better when I will get hormones, I don't have any concerns in these subjects. It's more like the opposite. And even if my migraine gets worse, it isn't the worse kind yet so there is plenty of ways to tune my medication and/or care to get it better.
I'm getting impatient about the process and weight loss. I want that my weight would drop faster and that I would eat hormones already. And when I calculated how much I can eat to keep current pace of 1kg/week weight loss, it wasn't very much anymore. As my smart watch knows how much I weight, how tall I am and how much I move, it can do quite good guess how much I will burn calories during the day. And to lose 1kg, you need 7000kcal lack in energy income. Considering that my current consumption is ~1800kcal/day, the weight loss is seriously getting hard. When I started, my consumption was around 2300kcal/day, that is some 3500kcal difference in week, which is half kilogram in weight loss in one week with same calorie income. So, in this point, it might even be clever to add some light exercise, like walking to home from work every day. That will boost the metabolism a bit as well. Although I monitor calorie income with scale (=weighting myself once a day), I'm bad at estimating amount of calories in food 😂. But that will help with that I won't get eating disorder, hopefully. At least my weight goal of 70kg is realistic and not too low, my BMI would be 23 with that weight, so far from being underweight. And I have to monitor that very closely when I start to eat hormones as my muscles will get smaller. But, my medication will keep me hungry all the time so gaining weight shouldn't be any kind of problem.
Wow, long post. I hope I can keep these coming in this extent.
After convention we stopped at gas station on our way home and grabbed some food. I remembered what I wore after I took my jacket off and sat down. There was some old grumps couple of tables away, who didn't either notice me, didn't care what I looked like or I was going through to them. No matter the reason, it was mild heart attack as I haven't been in "real" public much with that outfit. And I know that my voice will shatter the illusion anyway, as I haven't practiced my voice much, and even speaking with the more girly voice, the pitch isn't correct yet so most people will notice that I'm not what I look like.
Nevertheless, the fact that I'm starting to be through-going again feels so good. I have had recently much mental fight about which public bathroom I should use, and for now, I have used men's. No-one has said anything yet but I have just thought that if someone does, I will just answer "appearances can be deceptive" (ulkonäkö pettää in finnish) with male voice. I think that after I'm able to use passing girl voice and if I'm wearing make-up, I will use women's bathroom. Although, this is very classic problem to trans-people, when there isn't unisex bathrooms available.
My dear friend visited her friends on Saturday here in Tampere and me as well in the evening and spent the night at my place, as she lives in capital and she was going to visit her father yesterday as it was father's day in Finland and it was much cheaper and easier to stay here the night and continue from here to north. We had nice chat and went to sauna. Which was great as I'm lazy to warm it up just for myself. I wish there will not be that long time for next time we will see in person.
I have noticed that I enjoy talking with people more nowadays. And by talking, either face-to-face or over the internet using discord's voice or mumble or teamspeak. I might be bit lonely and that helps more than just chatting through text. Downside in that is that if I want to see people more face-to-face, that usually requires money. As the talking usually happens in cafe or pub with some beverage(s), and those aren't free. Although I should be able to put some money aside soon-ish by returning the parking permit of my workplace and buying one year bus card with tax returns.
My first visit to trans-clinic is creeping closer and I'm starting to get nervous. As I really don't know what will wait me there. Most likely the psychiatrist will interview me and check the survey but what she will say is what makes me nervous. Although I don't exactly fear that I will be turned down like last time as I have feeling that my need is definitely great enough now. But they could give me half year penalty-wait because I have depression. Which is completely stupid in my opinion as the whole depression is caused by gender dysphoria. But you never know. Maybe I fear a little.
What makes me think that my need is great enough? Well, just recently international institution called World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH) released newest version of treatment recommendation of trans-people, which was translated to Finnish. Both trans-clinics of Finland were involved in this process so I believe that will affect the treatments somewhat. Reading that through gave quite a much new information to me, like the fact when the doctors should recommend HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) as it is defined by the state of gender dysphoria. But the main point in it was to give information to the patients through the doctors that what the gender dysphoria is about, what treatments are available and what HRT and SRS will do and what kind of risks it involves and so one. Interestingly finnish sources about the MtF HRT usually includes that if you have migraine, it will get worse. That paper didn't mention migraine (or anything somewhat related to migraine) in any way. And as I have feeling that my own body is against testosterone and almost everything will get better when I will get hormones, I don't have any concerns in these subjects. It's more like the opposite. And even if my migraine gets worse, it isn't the worse kind yet so there is plenty of ways to tune my medication and/or care to get it better.
I'm getting impatient about the process and weight loss. I want that my weight would drop faster and that I would eat hormones already. And when I calculated how much I can eat to keep current pace of 1kg/week weight loss, it wasn't very much anymore. As my smart watch knows how much I weight, how tall I am and how much I move, it can do quite good guess how much I will burn calories during the day. And to lose 1kg, you need 7000kcal lack in energy income. Considering that my current consumption is ~1800kcal/day, the weight loss is seriously getting hard. When I started, my consumption was around 2300kcal/day, that is some 3500kcal difference in week, which is half kilogram in weight loss in one week with same calorie income. So, in this point, it might even be clever to add some light exercise, like walking to home from work every day. That will boost the metabolism a bit as well. Although I monitor calorie income with scale (=weighting myself once a day), I'm bad at estimating amount of calories in food 😂. But that will help with that I won't get eating disorder, hopefully. At least my weight goal of 70kg is realistic and not too low, my BMI would be 23 with that weight, so far from being underweight. And I have to monitor that very closely when I start to eat hormones as my muscles will get smaller. But, my medication will keep me hungry all the time so gaining weight shouldn't be any kind of problem.
Wow, long post. I hope I can keep these coming in this extent.