Start of the voyage
I'm very straigth and uncensored about my thoughts in this post, I apologize in advance. Also sorry if I use strange words as especially medical vocabulary is unknown to me.
My mind is complicating things once again. After a month or so after I moved away from ex-girlfriend's place after breakup, it decided that the transwoman thing would be cool again. I've had huge mental battles with this as before I started relationship with ex-girlfriend little less than 7 years ago, I was being treated in trans-clinic, where you would go if you want to fix your gender. At that time I was told that my need isn't great enough. I'm not sure how much my physical, quite natural but still manly, style fit there as I didn't wear makeup or corset or skirt, as I was at school that time. I was little bit afraid what my classmates would say. Also, ex-girlfriend told to the doctors that I'm man to her and have been against the transition passively all the time. So, I'm fighting with myself about this. Is this just some role, or something what I really feel? Can I feel this way? Is this need allowed?
So, I talked about this with a friend and because of her, I'm writing in english. She helped to realize that I wouldn't be suffering if I wasn't allowed to feel this need. And that this is my life after all. That was around two weeks back. I started to think about everything, especially what I felt back then, through pictures taken from me. And one week ago I gave myself permission to feel this way and went to local perfumery and bought black nail polish and painted my nails. That caused turbulence to my subconcious which started to re-wire my mind to apply everything I felt and wanted back then. And even more. It gave me need to wear bra, which I didn't have before. It gave me disgust to stick my dick to anywhere, which feels kinda weird. It gave me need to stick my fingers inside my pussy, which is quite impossible pre-op. It gave me need to have nicer clothes and especially shoes, which I cannot buy as I don't have money yet and I'm still bit too fat. And trying very hard to lose all that unneccessary weigth, in which I have had some results even, but I still have at least 30kg too much. I also thought about if this is just a role. But then, even if this is indeed a role, I have carried it for very long time, I have a feeling that even from birth. And even in that situation, the relationship with ex-girlfriend proves that living in some role for extended period of time isn't a problem. Even if that period is rest of my life. Thinking about that also made me think if the relationship with ex-girlfriend was a role? Most likely.
What now? Well, I need referral to the trans-clinic, which I can have from my occupational physician, in a month, as she is having holidays now. I need to lose weigth. I need to fit my old clothes, which is taken care of by losing weigth and I almost fit my corset already which will make that even easier. I need to fix some of the clothes I used to use, my skirt is shabby and it's zipper is broken. I already fixed my corset with hot glue (":D") as there was couple of holes in the inside so the bones won't get away. Although I need to get money somewhere so I could buy some make-up and purse and clothes I don't have yet and other accessories like better make-up mirror with light (or separate light) and full-length mirror to somewhere.
Thinking all what is coming is both frightening and reassuring. I'm confident that I will survive this time around as last time the process almost killed me. I have matured and I know what is waiting. I have more people around me supporting me. I have processed all this for years now in my subconcious. I can start to practice my voice. I even have decided my new name already. It will be Mira Eleonora.
And yes, this sounds way too sensational, I don't know how to write this kind of things. Even in finnish, let alone english. So it came out in a form how the books I read are written.
My mind is complicating things once again. After a month or so after I moved away from ex-girlfriend's place after breakup, it decided that the transwoman thing would be cool again. I've had huge mental battles with this as before I started relationship with ex-girlfriend little less than 7 years ago, I was being treated in trans-clinic, where you would go if you want to fix your gender. At that time I was told that my need isn't great enough. I'm not sure how much my physical, quite natural but still manly, style fit there as I didn't wear makeup or corset or skirt, as I was at school that time. I was little bit afraid what my classmates would say. Also, ex-girlfriend told to the doctors that I'm man to her and have been against the transition passively all the time. So, I'm fighting with myself about this. Is this just some role, or something what I really feel? Can I feel this way? Is this need allowed?
So, I talked about this with a friend and because of her, I'm writing in english. She helped to realize that I wouldn't be suffering if I wasn't allowed to feel this need. And that this is my life after all. That was around two weeks back. I started to think about everything, especially what I felt back then, through pictures taken from me. And one week ago I gave myself permission to feel this way and went to local perfumery and bought black nail polish and painted my nails. That caused turbulence to my subconcious which started to re-wire my mind to apply everything I felt and wanted back then. And even more. It gave me need to wear bra, which I didn't have before. It gave me disgust to stick my dick to anywhere, which feels kinda weird. It gave me need to stick my fingers inside my pussy, which is quite impossible pre-op. It gave me need to have nicer clothes and especially shoes, which I cannot buy as I don't have money yet and I'm still bit too fat. And trying very hard to lose all that unneccessary weigth, in which I have had some results even, but I still have at least 30kg too much. I also thought about if this is just a role. But then, even if this is indeed a role, I have carried it for very long time, I have a feeling that even from birth. And even in that situation, the relationship with ex-girlfriend proves that living in some role for extended period of time isn't a problem. Even if that period is rest of my life. Thinking about that also made me think if the relationship with ex-girlfriend was a role? Most likely.
What now? Well, I need referral to the trans-clinic, which I can have from my occupational physician, in a month, as she is having holidays now. I need to lose weigth. I need to fit my old clothes, which is taken care of by losing weigth and I almost fit my corset already which will make that even easier. I need to fix some of the clothes I used to use, my skirt is shabby and it's zipper is broken. I already fixed my corset with hot glue (":D") as there was couple of holes in the inside so the bones won't get away. Although I need to get money somewhere so I could buy some make-up and purse and clothes I don't have yet and other accessories like better make-up mirror with light (or separate light) and full-length mirror to somewhere.
Thinking all what is coming is both frightening and reassuring. I'm confident that I will survive this time around as last time the process almost killed me. I have matured and I know what is waiting. I have more people around me supporting me. I have processed all this for years now in my subconcious. I can start to practice my voice. I even have decided my new name already. It will be Mira Eleonora.
And yes, this sounds way too sensational, I don't know how to write this kind of things. Even in finnish, let alone english. So it came out in a form how the books I read are written.