SRS: T-9 days

 Oh gosh, less than 10 days already.



This week has been surprisingly good for me. Mentally I have been in really good condition and physically I haven't had anything else than lack of muscle strength at work, which meant sore muscles next day and sore boobs. No migraines, no other shenanigans. Greasyness of hair and face hasn't gone anywhere though but have stayed in the level it lowered after couple of days.

Work is also over for now. Becoming week is vacation, before starting the actual sick leave. And I think that was really good call as even while I might have some problems with seeing enough people during that time, I have possibility to panic however I wish and not think about anything else than getting ready for the surgery and seeing the people I want before it. I don't want to die on operating table with regrets for not seeing my relatives and friends. The probability is veeeery small but, anyway.

Yesterday was my friend's birthday parties. Met new people there and had otherwise good time. Now that the surgery date is closing up, I notice myself talking about it quite a lot which also means telling them that I'm trans. Not that it is a problem, so far everyone has been accepting and curious. But there was already a phase that I didn't tell about me being trans right away, as I know I'm so passing. Just enjoy that fact. Also got a crush to other lesbian, though she has gf already so, oh well. Her being weeaboo though meant that we had lot to talk about, mostly yuri manga 😂. And I understood that poly-relationship wasn't impossible for her, but, well, maybe later. At least we know the existence of each other.

I have noticed that I'm in a point that I calmly wait for the surgery, but when I talk about it I panic and wish it would be over already, which is kinda interesting. But maybe that's how things just are before major surgery. Right now I wish that it would be tomorrow though.

I have started the actual preparations for the surgery though. Bought some lighter foods from the store and trying out some drinkable meals to find out which I like the most. I think I will be eating those after getting home from the hospital as well, at least somewhat. I also think I should see nutritionist afterwards as I really need to learn to cook for myself. To get some idea what kind of meals I should learn to do first and work from there.

One (quite big) group of friends (well, group for certain association) also created group for bouldering. It sounds like something which would balance static office work I do currently. I also decided to really start doing yoga. And I have motivation for those now. It's almost like the dysphoria is going partly away already. I know that it will so my mind is already making plans what I want to do afterwards. Which is really interesting! Actually, now when I think about it, the amount of moments I feel dysphoric has gone down, but the dysphoric moments itself are much worse. That makes sense though, brain is ready for the surgery and life after that but still know the surgery hasn't happened yet. 


Things go forward in pleasant pace, and the horizon looks really good. The becoming months will be rough but it's only very short amount of time in the big picture, and I can enjoy myself to the fullest after that. 💜💜💜 I can barely wait for that.


'Til next time~ 💜

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