SRS: T-16 days

 Oh gosh, this is starting to hit me for real, in a bad way. This is much more TMI and rough than usual.











So, stopping hormones, even for a little while, means you start to de-transition. I forgot to mention about my greasy face and hair in the last post, but constant hot flashes and aching everything, especially boobs, and worse orgasms have joined the team. My face feels dirty even right after washing it, because it has some kind of grease all over it. My hair gets as dirty as it got before in a week in two days now. Which means I have to wash it very regularly if I want to go somewhere and care how I look like. I get hot flashes all the time, constantly, feeling hot and cold. My whole body is aching, yelling that this is wrong. Breathing hurts again. My orgasms have lost intensity and length like a lot, they are something like half of what they were and no trembling anymore.

I hate this. I wish I could end it somehow. But I can't. I have to endure this as the risks of the surgery are too great with the hormones. But I know people who had to end hormones because of other reasons, mainly because lack of them and not having prescriptions to them for whatever dumb reason. How in the fucking hell they can manage?!?!?!?!

I have lost my will to do anything. I should do work tomorrow, I don't feel like doing it at all. I just want to sleep in. Maybe forever. Really the only thing keeping me going now is the surgery. I wish it could happen tomorrow. I really do. This is so hard and consuming.

Exhaustion. Physical and mental. My body is so tired to the constant change. It was just getting to get used to the state I was. To really be what it should be. My mental state hasn't changed that much yet. And I really hope it doesn't during this time. Mind did change the most and first though, maybe that's why I'm writing this now. Everything in it happens so sneakily, it's hard to notice things when you are actually constantly living with yourself and the change is at the same time slow enough to not notice and fast enough for everyone else to notice.

Dysphoria is getting worse and worse. Looking to mirror while not wearing anything makes me puke. It looks so wrong. I hate it enough that I want to just rip it away. ... Only thing stopping me is the fact those parts are used to make the neo-vagina and I want to have as good result as possible. I want to have the mind-blowing orgasms I used to already. I want to have amazing sex, which would be possible by just having the sex with CORRECT DAMN ORGANS.



Barely the half mark of the hormonal pause until the surgery. Still whole month before I can start using hormones again, given I don't have any complications which would prevent that. I know all of the procedures are just to keep me as healthy as possible, but it's still very, very tiring and hard.





I'm running in a train tunnel, in front of train. I hope it doesn't catch me before I'm out from the tunnel (=surgery) and can hop back to VIP car as soon as possible (=start HRT again).



'Til next time, with hopefully better mental state.

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