Droplets from the voyage of a trans-woman

 Ooops, forgot yesterday. Well, I was dispatched and super tired! So, yesterday was the last night in the hospital. I had some hot flashes again before falling asleep, making it slower but was able to sleep rather well anyway. The morning went pretty much by just waiting that am I really going to be released, and after I got confirmation around 10 am, I started little by little gather my things together and swap to normal clothes. I was pretty much ready around 1 pm, when I got my papers. The only problem with them was that the medical certificate for sick leave was written between 20.10. - 2.12., which wasn't what they promised me and told the nurse about that. I had monday 19th as sick leave in time tracking thingy at work already, so I couldn't use the certificate as is. After a half an hour or so, I got new, correct medical certificate with different dates. This time starting correctly from 19.10. but was written until 10.12. 😂 Well, whatever, one more week off work than w

 What a time in here. I'm gonna be pushed home tomorrow. I almost forgot so writing with phone. I'm getting better all the time and start to feel like I could go home. Only problem is that I like being here, I live alone and I can see people here. But, it's still better to go home, I guess. To see friends if nothing else. I finally got normal bed. The space age mattress was really annoying now when I started to be able to actually move in the bed and from it. This one is also bit more slim so the bedside table is closer and goes lower so I was able to watch anime like I thought. Laptop on top of the bedside table tray, tray thing as high as possible and use the functionality of the laptop to get the screen to the front edge of the tray. Worked very nicely! Though the Internet throughput didn't, I watched only two episodes, even those were just barely able to stream through the thing. Part of the reason is that I need to use vpn for some reason to connect to my plex. Wel

 Oh gosh, tiny bit of physical exercise and this small girl is exhausted. So, I have walked quite a lot today. Or, well, "lot". But maybe double the amount I walked yesterday! It has been more and more stable, even the physiotherapist said that I don't need her anymore, so before she left I asked some casual things like if I drop something at home, how should I pick it up, etc. Basically which movements are better than the others and bottom line seemed to be that the less crotch area and muscles attaching to there moves, the better. So, doing "bad" lifting in this point is actually better as if you do the "frog descend", you might rip the stitches. Those are very weak still, even while the stitches themselves are dissolved mostly already. Extreme movements, like putting socks on, are not good either like I wrote previously but in case of socks, I may do that carefully. They didn't mention which method is the best, I should ask it tomorrow. I also g

HECKING GOSH! Real food! Shower! The Reveal! Ok, I wasn't expecting that they came 8:30 am to take the package away, surgeon removing it and checking the vagina with speculum briefly while specialist nurse supported and took me to shower afterwards. It happened on "bed" designed to showers, so, I was able to be mostly horizontal while washing myself. Felt really good to finally get that sweat properly away. It has been very busy around here as the nurse should have helped me with the first cleanup of the pussy, as I don't even have the things for it, or then I just misunderstood. She did bring written instructions how to do it however, which are simple enough that I might be able to do it by myself without showing first. As the reveal was after the breakfast the first real food was lunch. It wasn't amazing as a dish but when you have eaten just liquid things for a week, even shitty (proper) hospital food starts to be really good. It was mashed potatoes, some saus

 Calm day, I actually started to consume the entertainment I prepared for myself. Today has been much calmer day, I have read manga or chatted with my neighbor most of the time. She's really nice, was completely unfazed when I told what was the operation they did to me and apparently is poly as well.  Something bad though as well. I got some kind of sting to my pussy, like the kind you get after you pee really dark pee. So, they clamped my urethral catheter, waited two hours, took the sample by unfastening the tube middle point thingy and draining from there, refastening and unclamping. Just checking if I have urethritis. Which would be funny thing to get with 5 days old pussy 😂😂😂. I think I will hear about it tomorrow. "I told you I have high libido" 😂. Or at least I assume the love juices will still come from the same tube, just before the bladder, so the catheter goes past that. I have mentally prepared myself already for eating lots of cranberries etc to keep the

 Something funny always happens right after previous blog post 😂 This time it was breaking epidular. It started to leak from somewhere around the neck as it was inserted in the very low-end of the spine but was brought up next to the neck, taped down to the skin with some fancy second skin tape, and to the normal tube, which went through pump to the actual bag containing the med. The nurse checked the epidular like every other night before saying good night and noticed that some of the liquid has leaked from the epidular and wiped it off. After chatting a while with friends with phone I felt that some small drops were running down my back, called the nurse and she checked that the neck piece was fine, no leaks there but there was liquid under the tape around the area there was last time. So, they stopped the pump, cleaned up the leak and called anesthesia physician. The anticoagulant is continued 10 days (IIRC) after the surgery and that was administered already, so the cannula for th

Oh wow. Such day. Very ..something Yesterday truly was the pain day so far, I have been rather painless today as they tuned the medication, so I was actually able to sleep properly. There was some major and painful flatulance yesterday evening as bowel was rebooting. That was horrible. 0/10 would not recommend. The reboot has continued today, without pain though. Only rumbling. Eating was kinda hard for some reason today. Yeah, it's pretty dull and only liquids but getting things down from my throat has been the problem. Even taking meds has been little harder today. No idea why. I hope it's only the position my body is in. Annoying nevertheless. I have had more sensations from the pussy, including mild stings, which lasts couple of seconds. They most likely are part of the healing process according to the nurses but they have written them up. The more data for the doctor, the better. It's harder to think back how painful something was than just read what I though at that t

 Today has been the pain day. But not in of the surgery area So, today has been really painful. It was hard to sleep, had to ask for pain killers two times during the night and even doc specialised to handling pain paid a visit and asked some questions. I have the epidural so my pussy is painless :3 It's my back which is the problem as people aren't designed to lay in bed in one position for extended perionds of time. So, pain handling is necessary. The pain is strangely concentrated to certain areas as well now, during the night my whole back was super sore. Moving myself to the amount I can should help as well, groin area should stay still, physiotherapist came to tell me what should I do and checked my movement abilities etc. My pussy is healing nicely as well, it isn't seeping much anymore and I have had some sensations as well as body is figuring things out. Mostly ticklish clit, or that's how it feels like. It's kinda nice feeling though. And some permanent sm

 Alright, brains funtions better now. So, the surgery went well and the surgeon came to see me briefly in the morning. She also said that "there was enough material to work with" 😂 Well, better for me as it hopefully means that I don't need to stretch it to be able to use toys 💜 They put epidural for me, which is really interesting. It blocks feelings of cold and pain but not sensation. So, now when other medication has started to wear out, I start to feel other things. During the last hour my clit has itched a bit. Or something around there. It's really interesting! It's also starting to sink in that I don't have penis. That I really have pussy. The sensations are still all over the place as body is still figuring out what the heck is happening, how the tissues are now. Though, it's only second day after the surgery so it will take some time. I have ~absolute movement restriction until monday, I may move tiny bit in the bed, but very little. I need to k

 I'm alive, well and medication works. I was in the operation room for 6 hours. But unfortunately still not able to write here properly so leaving just this super short note here~ 'Til next time~ 💜💜

It's morning of the surgery. Less than 2 hours to the start. Ok, yesterday was hard. I almost paniced at the hospital and had almost three panic attacks at the hotel. The laxative used to bowel emptying was enema style, so getting myself doing it was quite a struggle but all my internet friends and couple of IRL friends helped me to overcome the anxiety. When it was done, I only had to take anticoagulant named Klexane. That was injection with bit too big harpoon for my liking, I managed to do that on my own but it still took good 10 minutes and hurted. I hope I did it correctly. The adredaline surge right after it was the worst though, that took good 15 mins to go away. When the laxative has done it's job, which was pretty much the case around 21:00, I waited one hour more to be sure and went to shower. Took an hour, there's quite a lot of things going on in my head. After that I chatted for over an hour with my friends and got ready to sleep. Fortunately I managed to have

 Oh gosh, less than a day. Tomorrow at this time I will be on operating table already. 😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱 I was barely able to sleep last night for some reason. I took sleeping pill to get some decent amount of sleep but it only made me very calm and tired. So hopefully my body was able to rest at least. I got something like 2-3 hours of sleep, I think. I'm also pretty sure I won't be able to sleep much tomorrow night, I will be way too nervous. And wake up at 5am anyway. Last breakfast. Last cups of coffee. Last everything at home. Last moments of this era of my life. This is pinnacle of my transition, towards which I have lived (more or less) the past 10 years. I know the happier times will be in front of me, after some suffering. But even with pain, just the lack of dysphoria will make days so much brighter. My train will leave in 9:04 to the capital. I hope it won't be late, I have reserved only one hour from the train station to the hospital. I te

3 days / 60 hours!!!!!! That's nothing! 😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱 I have pretty much prepared for everything at home. I haven't packed anything yet and I realised I need to do one more trip to the grocery store as the oat milk I use won't survive additional 2 weeks in the fridge. Or even if it does, I wouldn't drink it anymore. Especially as I have opened it a week ago already. But, I have food in the fridge and freezer, I bought the ring pillow, I did laundry etc. Basically everything so that I don't necessarily need to do chores or go to grocery store right after getting back home. I have one big problem though. What kind of clothes I should pack with me? The letter said that "Comfy clothes to get home in". Considering everything, that rules out pants as all I have are slim fit, so, either dress or skirt. That dictates either pantyhose or leggings, and as I'm sensitive to cold and Helsinki is especially hard during this season as cold and moist wind w

 5 days or more exactly ~108 hours, oh gosh oh gosh oh gosh It's really starting to hit me that the surgery is very, very soon. I have started to lighten up my diet and to get ready for the life after by buying things they mentioned in the letter. So, now I have non-woven swabs, skin oil, genital area soap and small hand mirror. I'm still lacking ring pillow, which I will go to buy tomorrow.  I cancelled my participation to one IRL game session on saturday as I realized I'm going to go to someone's home, who has kids. I don't want to get even flu right now. And as most of my immunity comes from the vitamins and supplements, which I had to left out because of the surgery, I don't want to play with it. Which is why I'm going everywhere while wearing mask. I didn't care too much about the mask before, just kept a safe distance, but now I'm doing both. I went to my hairdresser day before yesterday. She is magician. Purple and pink hair with curls, my hai

 Oh gosh, less than 10 days already. This week has been surprisingly good for me. Mentally I have been in really good condition and physically I haven't had anything else than lack of muscle strength at work, which meant sore muscles next day and sore boobs. No migraines, no other shenanigans. Greasyness of hair and face hasn't gone anywhere though but have stayed in the level it lowered after couple of days. Work is also over for now. Becoming week is vacation, before starting the actual sick leave. And I think that was really good call as even while I might have some problems with seeing enough people during that time, I have possibility to panic however I wish and not think about anything else than getting ready for the surgery and seeing the people I want before it. I don't want to die on operating table with regrets for not seeing my relatives and friends. The probability is veeeery small but, anyway. Yesterday was my friend's birthday parties. Met new people there

 OK, feeling much better than on sunday. Actually much better. I have seen people every day, done work like I should have, not felt that miserable and even my face isn't feeling super greasy anymore. It still feels greasy and I got acne but it's only like 1cm thick, not 10cm. I also got some weird hunger. I'm hungry all the time. I have eaten like a freaking horse. I gathered weight thanks to that. Even though I have felt much better during these couple of days, I still haven't got enough energy to actually prepare for the surgery in any other aspect. Like, buying the inflatable sitting ring I should (pressure from both sides is really bad and that mitigates it) or dig out the papers they sent me 1.5 years ago to check what else I should take in account. It's actually surprising that nothing about that is in the most recent bundle. Maybe they assume I have the old letter still somewhere. I have two days of work left before my two month long leave and I still have to

 Oh gosh, this is starting to hit me for real, in a bad way. This is much more TMI and rough than usual. So, stopping hormones, even for a little while, means you start to de-transition. I forgot to mention about my greasy face and hair in the last post, but constant hot flashes and aching everything, especially boobs, and worse orgasms have joined the team. My face feels dirty even right after washing it, because it has some kind of grease all over it. My hair gets as dirty as it got before in a week in two days now. Which means I have to wash it very regularly if I want to go somewhere and care how I look like. I get hot flashes all the time, constantly, feeling hot and cold. My whole body is aching, yelling that this is wrong. Breathing hurts again. My orgasms have lost intensity and length like a lot, they are something like half of what they were and no trembling anymore. I hate this. I wish I could end it somehow. But I can't. I have to endure this as the risks of the surgery

 Less than 3 weeks, eek. I confessed to my crush half an hour ago. She said that she's more towards men (with "so don't waste your time on me") but values our friendship. Oh well. Kinda expected though but I wanted to get it out of the way that I don't get too deep emotions towards her, even though I would like to cry right now, because of the feeling of loss. But! I did manage to clean up my apartment on monday thanks to the crush energy and for seeing people on every day last week. Migraines have done comeback. That's really annoying as I thought I got rid of them already. Apparently I got quite a reserve of the hormones under my skin and it's finally running low enough that my migraine is acting. I'm also feeling even more exhausted than what I was, today I tried to take a nap, but couldn't get any sleep. Enjoyed the warmth of my bed for couple of hours nevertheless. Even the energy I had mentally has been exhausted now, maybe because negating t