SRS: 26 days after surgery

 Oh gosh. It's kinda nice that days are different but it's sometimes bit annoying as well



Past couple of days has been really hard for me for some reason. I'm very tired, apathetic, unwilling to do anything. I think I charged my social batteries bit too much on tuesday by going to the checkup AND theatre rehearsals after that. The next day after that was bit of a pain, clit area seeped blood quite a bit (though nothing normal pad couldn't handle) so I kinda overdid it. But apparently charging the battery by actually seeing people activated me enough that being alone, almost tied to the bed because of unpleasant feelings, drained it super fast. And it has been downhill from there. It's hard to go to shower, and get out from there. Struggle to go grocery shopping. I just want to sleep, though I'm not tired so it's just laying in the bed, doing nothing or maybe listening music, sometimes checking discord, telegram, whatsapp, slack and instagram.

Those medias are really important to me. But they aren't enough. I want to see people but going out is not easy. Bathroom breaks are annoying as I have to fiddle around with the swabs. Eating enough is also struggle as I'm so passive that I realise couple of hours late that oh, I should have eaten already, when my tummy reminds me about it. At least I get the hunger, otherwise I would skip those meals completely by accident.

Lack of primary hormone is pushing me down as well. The constant slow hot flashes eats me so much. Feeling of cold and hot, sometimes even the same time, lasting anything from 15 mins to couple of hours at a time. Especially the cold, which is more common, makes me wanting to just be in the bed. Combine that to the unpleasant feelings I get from clit area, it's really emotionally hard times. The knitting needles are mostly scraping nowadays and sometimes they are so hot that it feels burning. Those are quite rare fortunately, but even 10 seconds is too much. It makes me whimper.

I want to hug someone. Cuddle very tightly. Get someone to pet me and talk to me with soft voice. I want to feel the touch of some other person. Preferably B but I know it's impossible. I screwed up that relationship and I might feel bad for that for the rest of my life. I feel like I'm just some human garbage, who doesn't deserve being happily in a relationship. I'm scared of doing all the same mistakes I did. That I never learn from them, or do them even while knowing it will screw everything up. I just want to push everyone away, lock myself up. I'm not emotionally stable enough. Or good as a person. 

People say that I'm confident in the pictures I post (mostly in discord). I feel like those are just facade, I'm not really that confident, I just know how to fake it. Maybe this is some sort of impostor syndrome or something like that, don't know. Or just effect of the lacking hormones. Those affect especially your mind after all. But I feel unsure and unsafe, though I feel more me than before. And that's thanks to not having dysphoria.

I really wish that I have recovered enough that I can start the hormones again. I know that some of what I feel now, physically and mentally, are caused because of that. Less than a week. I can manage that. Recovery is my top priority now, I have to keep pushing, take care of my pussy and through the days. 




But it's just so damn hard. So fucking hard.

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