Wandering thoughts 18
It's fascinating how my mind swings work.
Today was slow-starting day, I didn't even have alarm clock ringing as it is weekend. After eating breakfast and overthinking everything once more with coffee, I managed to psyche myself up to wash some laundry and do some paper war. But, those services had maintenance break so ended up just chatting with friends. And after I got laundry to dry, I went to work to play Elite: Dangerous as we have VR headset (HTC Vive) there and my colleague brought his HOTAS there as well. So I have spoiled myself with those, that game is so much better with proper flight sticks and in VR.
After playing some hours, friend/colleague (=ex-co-husband) sent message that if I was still playing Elite at work and as I was, he paid a visit. After finishing my remaining missions, we went to grab some dinner (in burger king...) and as it was so nice day, I decided to walk home. My friend went with me as his wife was at work at the same side of the city where I live. Talked about IT/nerd stuff while walking and enjoyed the weather. The walking trail went by the lake beach, in the woods and it was so beautiful. It was winter when I walked through there last time, both seasons are equally beautiful in there.
After getting back home, my friend's wife fetched him shortly after and I started my paper war. Doing that was much easier than last time, as I complained about one decision of Kela and did application for partial rehabilitation support. I did wrong application last time but this was similar enough so I was able to copy-paste some of the previous texts which helped a lot.
So, today was good day, after all. It didn't feel like one when I woke up. Though, when I went to see if the text of my previous visit to occupational doctor was in Kanta already, well, I started to think my condition. As it was there. She did SOFAS (Social and Occupational Functioning Assessment Scale) test to me, in addition to depression test (BDI-21). I got only 14 points from depression test, which is mild depression IIRC, but I did tell her that it feels like the same when I got 30 points, which is between of moderate and severe. So she did SOFAS. Aaand that is kinda ..not nice result. I got overall score of 31-40 (there isn't exact numbers as it is done by interviewing and using applicable things), which is "Major impairment in several areas, such as work or school, family relations, judgment". And when I check what that actually means, it's true. "Normally" functioning person gets around 90 points from SOFAS, and my result is one step down from severe. It's tiny bit a miracle that I'm at work and able to do my work even with this extent. And I'm certain that if I lose my job for a reason or another, I won't be able to get new one any time soon.
In that light, next week will be total torture. I will go for work trip for two days, fly to Götenburg, Sweden on tuesday morning and get back on wednesday evening. There will be complete 8 hour workday on wednesday, in addition to travelling home after it. The travel time will eat up half of the work day from tuesday but it won't be one bit easier. And I will be back in Tampere at 1:55 on thursday night, so I need to take taxi to actually get home. On thursday there will be some meetings and department evening, so I'm taking friday off right away.
I'm not saying that I'm not going to enjoy the trip. Or the unit evening. But my current state of head dictates what I can handle. And it isn't much. When I read the doctor's text, I thought that it is almost brutal. But, it's also true. My mental condition is very bad currently. And has been for a while now. I'm just hoping that I'm not completely exhausted on friday as I have time for psychologist. 😅
I really wish there would be more good days like this one. Even if those are lazy like now, it feels so much better. To be able to function like you should, at least a little bit. It must been the sunlight. I need more of it.
Today was slow-starting day, I didn't even have alarm clock ringing as it is weekend. After eating breakfast and overthinking everything once more with coffee, I managed to psyche myself up to wash some laundry and do some paper war. But, those services had maintenance break so ended up just chatting with friends. And after I got laundry to dry, I went to work to play Elite: Dangerous as we have VR headset (HTC Vive) there and my colleague brought his HOTAS there as well. So I have spoiled myself with those, that game is so much better with proper flight sticks and in VR.
After playing some hours, friend/colleague (=ex-co-husband) sent message that if I was still playing Elite at work and as I was, he paid a visit. After finishing my remaining missions, we went to grab some dinner (in burger king...) and as it was so nice day, I decided to walk home. My friend went with me as his wife was at work at the same side of the city where I live. Talked about IT/nerd stuff while walking and enjoyed the weather. The walking trail went by the lake beach, in the woods and it was so beautiful. It was winter when I walked through there last time, both seasons are equally beautiful in there.
After getting back home, my friend's wife fetched him shortly after and I started my paper war. Doing that was much easier than last time, as I complained about one decision of Kela and did application for partial rehabilitation support. I did wrong application last time but this was similar enough so I was able to copy-paste some of the previous texts which helped a lot.
So, today was good day, after all. It didn't feel like one when I woke up. Though, when I went to see if the text of my previous visit to occupational doctor was in Kanta already, well, I started to think my condition. As it was there. She did SOFAS (Social and Occupational Functioning Assessment Scale) test to me, in addition to depression test (BDI-21). I got only 14 points from depression test, which is mild depression IIRC, but I did tell her that it feels like the same when I got 30 points, which is between of moderate and severe. So she did SOFAS. Aaand that is kinda ..not nice result. I got overall score of 31-40 (there isn't exact numbers as it is done by interviewing and using applicable things), which is "Major impairment in several areas, such as work or school, family relations, judgment". And when I check what that actually means, it's true. "Normally" functioning person gets around 90 points from SOFAS, and my result is one step down from severe. It's tiny bit a miracle that I'm at work and able to do my work even with this extent. And I'm certain that if I lose my job for a reason or another, I won't be able to get new one any time soon.
In that light, next week will be total torture. I will go for work trip for two days, fly to Götenburg, Sweden on tuesday morning and get back on wednesday evening. There will be complete 8 hour workday on wednesday, in addition to travelling home after it. The travel time will eat up half of the work day from tuesday but it won't be one bit easier. And I will be back in Tampere at 1:55 on thursday night, so I need to take taxi to actually get home. On thursday there will be some meetings and department evening, so I'm taking friday off right away.
I'm not saying that I'm not going to enjoy the trip. Or the unit evening. But my current state of head dictates what I can handle. And it isn't much. When I read the doctor's text, I thought that it is almost brutal. But, it's also true. My mental condition is very bad currently. And has been for a while now. I'm just hoping that I'm not completely exhausted on friday as I have time for psychologist. 😅
I really wish there would be more good days like this one. Even if those are lazy like now, it feels so much better. To be able to function like you should, at least a little bit. It must been the sunlight. I need more of it.