Wandering thoughts 17

This is mix of HRT update, rambling and whatever. I just had so bad feeling that I had to let it out somewhere.


Though I don't even know what should I write. Last month hasn't been one bit easier than previous one. I'm getting exhausted so easily that I wonder how I am even able to do anything at all. Three hour workdays are pretty much maximum for me currently. If I work longer, I'm just laying on a sofa rest of the day or something.

I also divorced from my partner. I wasn't able to put enough effort towards it and she was so busy with her life that she didn't have time or energy to keep up the relationship by herself. And relationships aren't like that anyway, they need support from all participating ends. So, our feelings just died and we agreed that we will drop the romantic part away and stay as just friends. It's easier for both. I'm also feeling that I'm not going to be in a relationship for a while, I just don't have enough energy for that, even while I would like to have someone to cuddle and kiss with.

I feel like so much has happened within the last month and also in the same time that nothing has. My memory is even worse than it has been. There is days when I'm little bit better, when I might work for 4-5 hours and do something productive at home as well. I feel like some days, especially if it's one of the better days, I get energy from seeing people at work. But in some days seeing people exhausts all my energy. Last weekend was one convention in which I was photographing. I enjoyed seeing the people and chatting with them but today I have been in so bad state that I don't even know anymore if I'm extrovert or introvert. Maybe something in between or little bit both.

My boobs are achy again. Yesterday to the point that breathing hurted. I have a feeling that if I want, no, I'm ordering them to grow as big as possible; I need to get variance to the hormone levels. Whatever that variance is. One way is drinking alcohol, other would be taking the patches away for a while, third that I use other meds differently as everything is affecting to everything. Maybe that's the reason why my mood is swinging so much, but never to the bright side. Only more or less in the rain.

I guess that's part of the drill. I have also thought about what could have caused this as I had everything pretty much in hand before. End of depression meds? But I think they are cause more bad things than good things. I'm allowed to start psychotherapy, I really should find therapist soon. I'm confident that it will make bigger difference in good direction than any med will.

Like I wrote month ago, I don't have any kind of resistance to stress anymore. And I have thought about it, why? It might be because of my hormone levels and lack of meds balancing serotonin. Though lamotrigine should balance it somewhat, but it isn't depression med, it's antiepileptic med. But those things are only ones I can see what has really changed, which could have had caused this change. And I really don't want to start eating voxra again, even while it might actually help with depression. One thing might be sleep. My sleeping varies more now, fortunately though the bad nights are better than what good nights were with voxra. But as I have so much cumulative deficit in sleep, my body is just trying to get everything out from the sleep it can.

I'm constantly escaping reality to somewhere. Mostly in manga lately. I have read lots of it. I also have one book to proof-read, not in way of grammar but if there is holes or something odd in the story itself. But I haven't read that much yet, it needs much more concentrating than manga does. Even easier literature has been too much, even manga feel too much sometimes. There has been way too many evenings that I didn't have energy to do anything.

Though, even that is kinda funny. There was this one night when I was too out of energy to read or watch anything, so I went to my friend's place. And we talked all kinds of deep thoughts. Maybe I'm extrovert but pulling out to my shell to protect myself.

I have constant problems with money now as I don't get much from job thanks to partial sickness benefit. And thanks to that, and the slowness of Kela, I haven't got anything from there either. So, I'm loaning from my parents, and it annoys me. I really hate calling them "hey, I kinda need money again". Especially to something like convention hotels. I have messed up my budget as I haven't had enough energy to handle it like I should have. And because I hate begging money so much, I always ask so little as possible, so I'm living pretty much up to my feathers. Which is quite stressful and not helping one bit. As that kind of stress can't be brushed off like work-based stress can be.



I was bit better in between already. But now I'm feeling that I'm sinking to the sand again. I don't want to sink there. I was almost out from the pit already in one point. Why? Why my head has to be like this. Why I just can't handle this? It isn't anything special. Everyone out there is handling their life just fine so why can't I? I'm not allowing my process to ruin everything in my life just because I had worse moment in my life. That I had so much on my plate, thanks to the process, that I wasn't able to keep up anymore.

I have thought that what will happen if I break. I have thought that what is happening here. Is this just normal exhaustion because of so big change in my life. Or is this burnout because of same thing. Or what.


I don't know.


And I don't want to sink. I want to stand up and walk away from the pit. Why it is so hard?



I'm so very aware of the attention whore inside me that it annoys me when I act like one. And those acts bursts so quickly and impulsively that I haven't been able to even think what I have said before I have said it already. And I have hated myself after those. I don't want to be like this. I don't need to get validation from others about my existence.

Am I requiring too much from myself? Am I beating myself too much? Am I too hard for myself? I'm starting to feel that I am. But I don't know how to loosen the grip.


I don't know how to loosen the grip.



Writing this hasn't helped as much as it usually had. But it was also first time that I started to cry during writing. I need professional help even more than I get now and realized. I need the therapist.

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