Droplets from the voyage of a trans-woman

I have tried to keep myself busy by watching things from YouTube and Crunchyroll but I have still been thinking things way too much. Although, I did find Stef Sanjati from YouTube and have watched her videos. As she is almost through the transition (only SRS (Sex Reassignment Surgery) lacks), she knows about it so much, obviously, so I have learned quite a bit. I didn't know that being trans-person is so hazardous in US that people are killed just by being what they are. It was something like 1 of 20 trans-persons are killed, especially if you are black trans-woman. Fortunately that is not issue in Finland, although I'm not sure about rest of the Europe. At least killing people here has more drastic effect to killer as it's illegal in all situations. Well, I might face hate, but not violence. And I doubt even that hate nowadays as awareness has grown. The anxiety towards my body has been especially bad lately. I have been eating badly because of that as well and slowing d

I have been thinking a lot this week how should I live currently. My behavior is some mixture of male and female, but my looks is mostly black meatball. I have lost weight and it can be seen as my stomach is much smaller, but my BMI is still way over 30 and my middle body is way too big and fat. Because of that I won't be able to fool anyone to think that I'm female. Maybe after I'm able to fit my corset as that will shape womanly figure for me. But even then I need some shirt that wouldn't hide the shape, like most of my shirts currently do as I'm still too big for the lady-fit shirts I have even then. Although, you won't believe me if I tell you my weight after looking how I look now. I'm kinda good to hide that fat and it's spread all around my body, not just middle body, like men usually have. But, how I should live then. I have had lots of anxiety as I have came out from closet to quite a many people now and I'm not sure if it's too much e

The party is over and went quite well. I had forgotten that when I'm surrounded by that kind of mob, I get panic attack. Fortunatelly I was able to suppress it and I talked with my dear friend (see post #2 ) through fb messenger which helped a lot. I also came out from closet to two persons during the evening, both took it very well. I'm feeling that one of them might become quite good friend of mine, but let's see how things go. I also noticed that alcohol affects me differently now. I get much dizzier faster and the drunkness has euphoric edge in it. I also feel especially feminine while drunk. But, the party definitely did what I wished, I saw lot's of my friends and it was refreshment. I also noticed that I want to hug everyone when I get tipsy in that kind of crowd. Not that it is a bad thing! I wanted to wear the corset today. I even got first tab from busk attached but not second, so it's very close! 1-2kg more and I will fit it. And it's not that I wou

Today was ruff. My mom came back from Lappi (she was visiting my big brother) and I was waiting at the train station for her to arrive, 5:45 in the morning.. And drove her back to home to Valkeakoski. I thought that this would be perfect opportunity, as my dad woke up as well when we were making coffee. So, I came out of the closet and they were shocked, obviously. But they took it rather evenly. I could sense the screaming "why" from their eyes but there was no drama. I finally got to know what my parent's would have named me if I was born as female: Nina. I have asked it before but my mom have just ignored the question with "it doesn't matter anymore" or something. I will stick with Mira though, I like it much more. We talked about my announcement for good two hours and because of that, I went to work bit late, fortunately we have flexible work hours. I also told to two of my nearest managers at work (my boss and the guy who looks after the processes and t

Today I went to see same psychiatrist which I did last week. We talked somewhat what has happened during the week, how the medication has started and so one. I also did depression test and got 28 points.. which is moderate depression. Although, when I filled it I noticed that most of the questions would get better, significantly even, after transition. She also wrote referral to the trans-clinic for me so that is going forward and I don't have to wait for yet another month. Yay ^_^. After workday I left to talk with my collegue, with who I do most of my work with, in garage, before I left work. Then, he asked that how it went at the doctor, what she said. I answered that I got what I went to get from there, referral to the trans-clinic. He wasn't suprised. He had a hunch about me already that this might be happening. One of the perks of having a job which requires high education; people are more open minded and tolerant. I'm pretty sure other people at work would take this

I'm very straigth and uncensored about my thoughts in this post, I apologize in advance. Also sorry if I use strange words as especially medical vocabulary is unknown to me. Today has been interesting. I have thought a lot about past 8 years, the gender discomfort and my depression and why I feel I have never healed from it. No wonder as the source of that depression hasn't gone anywhere. I have just tried to push it away. Which was easier for the first couple of years but got harder and harder every year. And now, when I allowed myself to feel, I can feel the depression finally starting to go away. I'm not sure how much of it is caused by depression meds I have been eating little less than a week now, but as those meds usually take something like a month to get up and running properly, I highly doubt that those have much effect in my current feeling. I also have a feeling that the second cycle of the losing weight has started. I weight myself every morning and the read

I'm very straigth and uncensored about my thoughts in this post, I apologize in advance. Also sorry if I use strange words as especially medical vocabulary is unknown to me. My mind is complicating things once again. After a month or so after I moved away from ex-girlfriend's place after breakup, it decided that the transwoman thing would be cool again. I've had huge mental battles with this as before I started relationship with ex-girlfriend little less than 7 years ago, I was being treated in trans-clinic, where you would go if you want to fix your gender. At that time I was told that my need isn't great enough. I'm not sure how much my physical, quite natural but still manly, style fit there as I didn't wear makeup or corset or skirt, as I was at school that time. I was little bit afraid what my classmates would say. Also, ex-girlfriend told to the doctors that I'm man to her and have been against the transition passively all the time. So, I'm fight