Droplets from the voyage of a trans-woman

One of the big days process-wise. I went to see psychiatrist in HYKS/HUS in Helsinki today. I also called yesterday to hormone clinic as hormones are working differently now. The nurse couldn't say anything and doctor was busy so she called today. She didn't know either anything just by talking about it so I will go to blood tests to see current hormone levels and go further from the results. Hopefully this is just my body working like it should be. Today I had appointment at 14:00 in Pasila, Helsinki. Takes about 2 hours with train to get there. And as it's not exactly good weather for trains lately, I reserved one hour for the train to be late without me being late. But against my realism, the train was on time. So, had one hour wait before seeing the doctor. The doctor herself was ..interesting. She was overly gracious, which was bit annoying. She asked about the first round and the time between and what I have thought and so, pretty basic questions considering I h...

I have had pretty bad anxiety in form of dysphoria lately, and just a moment ago I realized why. I will write generally about my dysphoria in this post. It will contain text about my libido, how I handle the dysphoria now and generally things you might not wanted to know about me. Asexuals might want to stop now. I will start from the beginning. Like I have written previously in this blog, at least indirectly, my dysphoria wasn't that strong at first. It has always been around but I realized it's existence about 10 years ago. After that it has made me think things more and more. Enough that it made me to go to trans clinic. It might be good thing that I didn't start the process 8 years ago, even though I regret that I waited this long. After visiting there and having the examination period done, it never left me alone. As I didn't get the diagnose at first, I lied to myself that the dysphoria is just some form of transvestism or something, tried to ignore it an...

I so late again. But still better late than never? So, another month. I have filled my calendar with stuff so haven't had much energy or time to write here. Also, hormones have done things so sneakily. Ending the Voxra caused my weight to hop up some kilograms, so I have had hard time controlling how much I should eat. I'm not sure if that or hormones have caused that my boobs have started to grow again, they are almost filling D cups already 😵. I'm also feeling that it has caused my body work better like it should. It do have caused some migraines but fortunately I have working medicines to it now. Rizatriptan have helped a lot in a form of orodispersible tablet, so it will help rather quickly. Not much have actually happened by hormones, boobs yeah but my mind has settled quite a bit. My way of thinking have stabilized to be like any woman's. Though that means I use cryptic and ambiguous sentences, which causes bit too much trouble of people. I have to practice...

I can clearly feel that I'm much more functioning than before, so decided to write even while I don't have that much of a things to say So, the depression med withdrawal symptoms included serial migraine, I got migraine attack on last Sunday, and on this week's Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. I went to see a occupational doctor (not my "own" as she didn't have any free times left) on Wednesday and she wrote me sick leave for the rest of the week. Ironically I didn't have migraine attack on Thursday anymore, though it has been tickling my brains the whole week. But even having migraines, I have slept better. My smart watch tracks my sleep and there has been quite a much really short spikes that I'm awake. Amount of those are at least halved. And I can really notice that even while I don't remember being awake at night. As when I had sleep polygraph done, they found that my brains awakened 130 times during the night so it's likely that my watch ...

Hectic two weeks again. Some updates anyway. Like I wrote last time, I lived about two weeks at my partner's place. Last week back to work after vacation and very hectic week as other things started as well. I also went to see occupational doctor. The time I spent at my partner was very relaxing and I was able to charge my batteries quite a well. We watched Star Wars episodes 1-6 (in that order) as I hadn't watched them. We had fun times overall and I really enjoyed the vacation. It was (and is starting to be) just bit hassle to keep the relationship secret from my parents. I wonder if my mom suspects anything, I think she might. Last week was rather hectic at work as there was some things which were pushed to my plate. I also joined to tech team of theater group and it's first rehearsals were on tuesday and wednesday. As that is university student group, they kinda like to drink. So, there is some sitting in the bar after each rehearsal, I hope that doesn't cause...

New year, another month. Looks like I forgot to write in two months so covering those as well now. A lot has happened. Much of it has happened mentally and my life has been in quite a havoc. Like I wrote in last post, I'm now in relationship again. The relationship has helped me really much, as I can be very womanly. It has also helped with the bitchy side as I can be very soft with my partner. My partner is quite mentally strong as well, which helps. And the softness has really helped to discover and explore the feminine side of me. Helped me to get rid of the unnecessary roles and to change the base role closer to the core, or take the tint away from it. Like I wrote previously ( #58 ), I'm feeling like Mira and woman. I'm starting to love myself and my looks. I have gotten more confidence. As I was starting to feel back in the previous post, it really have started like I thought. The bud is already half open, embracing the sun. I feel now that pursuing CS was holding...

So, I got this thing starting. I have written before that I'm poly-amorous. I'm starting one poly-relationship and not with CS. CS is mono-amorous. Today, I went "for coffee" (=date) with CS, and confessed to her again. She was very aware of my feelings and she answered to me that she tried to find feelings towards me but didn't find any. I have read that from her although I really didn't know what I have read. Now that Certain Someone isn't really certain anymore, it will take some time and though that I could get over her. I have tried before, I couldn't. But now I have some kind of relationship so I might actually be able to get over this constant thinking and missing of her. I got my resolve. And the biggest problem for her was that I resembled too much of her little sister. So it might have been bit too awkward for her. It might be for the best after all that we will just stay friends. And because of this another relationship, it was best for th...