TMI: Dysphoria
I have had pretty bad anxiety in form of dysphoria lately, and just a moment ago I realized why.
I will write generally about my dysphoria in this post. It will contain text about my libido, how I handle the dysphoria now and generally things you might not wanted to know about me. Asexuals might want to stop now.
I will start from the beginning. Like I have written previously in this blog, at least indirectly, my dysphoria wasn't that strong at first. It has always been around but I realized it's existence about 10 years ago. After that it has made me think things more and more. Enough that it made me to go to trans clinic. It might be good thing that I didn't start the process 8 years ago, even though I regret that I waited this long. After visiting there and having the examination period done, it never left me alone.
As I didn't get the diagnose at first, I lied to myself that the dysphoria is just some form of transvestism or something, tried to ignore it and concentrate to the relationship at hand. But I realized rather quickly that no, it is real thing. But my (now ex-) gf was against it, like I have written previously. It started to bug me during the years rather seriously, even though I lived (completely) in the role of man, having hetero sex and such, who just happens to like to use some of the women's clothing like leggings and tops. And who has used strings explicitly for 11 years now. Just before breakup I even said to her that the trans-thing is seriously bugging me, that I might want to go to the clinic again.
After breakup it made me seriously think it through, as I have had acting as a hobby for a quite a long time. That what it really is. For a half a year, it slowly started to come to me. The way I disclosed it in the very first blog post isn't exactly how it went, it took more time than I let you understand. How I wrote it was basically the very end of the train of thought, before I gave permission to myself that yes, this is dysphoria and yes, I need to do something to it.
Fast forward couple of months, I slowly started to act like a woman. Changing the way I dress, using my long skirt (even though it wasn't really feminine, but more than any of the pants I had) and (tight-ish) shirts sewn in shape. I started also carry myself like a woman, or at least started the practice by imitating other women. The way it helped to my dysphoria, along with seeing other people to act like I really was woman. It was mostly for myself first, to see the clothes on myself in the mirror but reactions of other people was at least as much.
Couple of months more and I finally went to see the doctor and got the diagnose. It was mostly the final nail to the coffin that yes, I'm not imagining things. And portway to the actual treatments. Beard epilation hurted like hell at first but it got lot easier quite quickly fortunately. The start of HRT was also much more than just HRT. It was kind of start of new life. I was somewhat passing even then, the way I carried myself and what kind of clothes I had told so much to other people.
HRT also helped with the dysphoria so much. Well, that's the very reason why it's done! Seeing the body to change to the direction you want, even while you have absolutely no control over it. DNA says what it should be and you just have to accept it. Some things happen slower than others but generally all the changes are to the direction which will help with dysphoria. It will happen rather slowly but I'm sure it's good for mind as well that things doesn't happen too fast. You are able to get used to the changes as they happen. Changing name was quite a milestone as well. For me, seeing my boobs grow has had most impact, they are somewhat big already (80D), even though I want them to be little bit bigger, so they aren't "fox noses". But, only thing I can do is to want it very much and trust the psychosomatic effect to do it's job.
Everything is going smoothly, right? Mostly, yes. So, what is the problem then? It's is the one thing disturbing me, to which hormones can do very little. Penis. Recently it really have started to bug me. My libido has gone up so much that I would like to have sex every day. Maybe even multiple times in a day. So much that I masturbate at least bi-daily if not daily. I might do it two times in a day in some days. Even while the very body part is cloying me. The libido is that strong. And I want to have SRS, the dysphoria is really becoming to be a problem. I realized this just an hour ago. I though it was just walking publicly without makeup but no, that isn't problem as I'm that passing already that I don't have to think about my face. It's just against my style to be without any makeup.
In a way it is good thing, in the other it is not. It's pulling me down. I'm getting little bit of the depressive feelings again. And I don't wonder why. And any antidepressant would just distract current medication and slow things down. I just have to carry this weight, knowing that it will be lifted soon enough, within this year if the system works like it should. And why it is good thing then? Well, I'm going to see the psychiatrist in HYKS in bit less than two weeks, and I have heard bad words about the doctor I'm going to see. So, if everything isn't fine yet, I should get better endorsement. Hopefully. At least I don't have to exaggerate.
When I realized what has caused the major dysphoria in the last couple of days, I had the urge to write this, even while it was middle of the night. But wasn't that sleepy yet so, why not. Took only an hour to write.
'Til next time~
I will write generally about my dysphoria in this post. It will contain text about my libido, how I handle the dysphoria now and generally things you might not wanted to know about me. Asexuals might want to stop now.
I will start from the beginning. Like I have written previously in this blog, at least indirectly, my dysphoria wasn't that strong at first. It has always been around but I realized it's existence about 10 years ago. After that it has made me think things more and more. Enough that it made me to go to trans clinic. It might be good thing that I didn't start the process 8 years ago, even though I regret that I waited this long. After visiting there and having the examination period done, it never left me alone.
As I didn't get the diagnose at first, I lied to myself that the dysphoria is just some form of transvestism or something, tried to ignore it and concentrate to the relationship at hand. But I realized rather quickly that no, it is real thing. But my (now ex-) gf was against it, like I have written previously. It started to bug me during the years rather seriously, even though I lived (completely) in the role of man, having hetero sex and such, who just happens to like to use some of the women's clothing like leggings and tops. And who has used strings explicitly for 11 years now. Just before breakup I even said to her that the trans-thing is seriously bugging me, that I might want to go to the clinic again.
After breakup it made me seriously think it through, as I have had acting as a hobby for a quite a long time. That what it really is. For a half a year, it slowly started to come to me. The way I disclosed it in the very first blog post isn't exactly how it went, it took more time than I let you understand. How I wrote it was basically the very end of the train of thought, before I gave permission to myself that yes, this is dysphoria and yes, I need to do something to it.
Fast forward couple of months, I slowly started to act like a woman. Changing the way I dress, using my long skirt (even though it wasn't really feminine, but more than any of the pants I had) and (tight-ish) shirts sewn in shape. I started also carry myself like a woman, or at least started the practice by imitating other women. The way it helped to my dysphoria, along with seeing other people to act like I really was woman. It was mostly for myself first, to see the clothes on myself in the mirror but reactions of other people was at least as much.
Couple of months more and I finally went to see the doctor and got the diagnose. It was mostly the final nail to the coffin that yes, I'm not imagining things. And portway to the actual treatments. Beard epilation hurted like hell at first but it got lot easier quite quickly fortunately. The start of HRT was also much more than just HRT. It was kind of start of new life. I was somewhat passing even then, the way I carried myself and what kind of clothes I had told so much to other people.
HRT also helped with the dysphoria so much. Well, that's the very reason why it's done! Seeing the body to change to the direction you want, even while you have absolutely no control over it. DNA says what it should be and you just have to accept it. Some things happen slower than others but generally all the changes are to the direction which will help with dysphoria. It will happen rather slowly but I'm sure it's good for mind as well that things doesn't happen too fast. You are able to get used to the changes as they happen. Changing name was quite a milestone as well. For me, seeing my boobs grow has had most impact, they are somewhat big already (80D), even though I want them to be little bit bigger, so they aren't "fox noses". But, only thing I can do is to want it very much and trust the psychosomatic effect to do it's job.
Everything is going smoothly, right? Mostly, yes. So, what is the problem then? It's is the one thing disturbing me, to which hormones can do very little. Penis. Recently it really have started to bug me. My libido has gone up so much that I would like to have sex every day. Maybe even multiple times in a day. So much that I masturbate at least bi-daily if not daily. I might do it two times in a day in some days. Even while the very body part is cloying me. The libido is that strong. And I want to have SRS, the dysphoria is really becoming to be a problem. I realized this just an hour ago. I though it was just walking publicly without makeup but no, that isn't problem as I'm that passing already that I don't have to think about my face. It's just against my style to be without any makeup.
In a way it is good thing, in the other it is not. It's pulling me down. I'm getting little bit of the depressive feelings again. And I don't wonder why. And any antidepressant would just distract current medication and slow things down. I just have to carry this weight, knowing that it will be lifted soon enough, within this year if the system works like it should. And why it is good thing then? Well, I'm going to see the psychiatrist in HYKS in bit less than two weeks, and I have heard bad words about the doctor I'm going to see. So, if everything isn't fine yet, I should get better endorsement. Hopefully. At least I don't have to exaggerate.
When I realized what has caused the major dysphoria in the last couple of days, I had the urge to write this, even while it was middle of the night. But wasn't that sleepy yet so, why not. Took only an hour to write.
'Til next time~