SRS: 1 year later

 Wait, already?

I visited HUS on wednesday, for year later inspection. Everything was fine according to the surgeon. And I realized how rough she has been all the time. I just haven't felt it before so it was bit of a shock. But, no problems with urinary retention or anything really, only occasional (rather intensive) sting of pain which lasts usually only couple of seconds. Sometimes longer, but less than minute and those are less intense. I'm guessing it relates to nerves healing and the surgeon said that they take time to heal as an answer to my pondering. It also looks like a pussy, like it should. I have next visit in two years, 3 years after surgery. I hope everything has healed completely then, though tactile feel is pretty much only thing lacking so.

Talking about tactile feel, it is rather good nowadays. There's almost numb spots still, especially on top (between labia) and under (in the vagina) the edematous tissue. But the vagina, especially the deep end, labias and of course clitoris has tactile feel. Erogenous feel too! I'm able to get quite good orgasms already, though sadly no tremors yet. It also depends on what I'm doing to get the damn oxytocin, I still require huge amount of stimulation - porn with combo vibe (for both vagina and clit) "works" but gives smaller orgasms than good yuri manga with the vibe. I'm too lazy to try do anything with just my fingers and I wonder how other person's fingers and especially tongue would feel 🤔. Because erogenous feel is returning (it could still be better), my libido has grown too, though not nearly to the levels it was before. I still love the fact that I'm able to enjoy myself, it's stress relief method as well.

I had two main goals for the SRS: First, to get rid of the dysphoria and second, get enough working pussy to have enjoyable sex. I have achieved both of them 💜. Everything more from this point is just plus. Yes, it could be prettier, the tactile feel could be better etc but those are minor compared to the first primary goal. I have forgotten what it was like pre-SRS and especially pre-HRT. My current self is best thing ever and I love my body.

I have also learned so much about myself even though I still haven't gotten to neuropsychological clinic to get any diagnose. I got 200g letter from them, 10 questionnaires, which I filled and sent back, with the list of things I have wrote out which is odd in me. Haven't heard back yet, I should call them that what gives but I still haven't been able to do that. And even though it annoys me that I haven't been able, I also don't beat myself mentally about it like I would have. It's in the back of my brain that IShouldDoItIShouldDoItIShouldDoItIShouldDoITTTT but I don't get stressed about it so much anymore. I'm also rather sure that I'm more ADHD than asperger autistic but I see traits from both. Some OCD as well but all of them overlaps so much that the ADHD is the only one I'm 60% sure of. But because of this understandment, I have noticed that I don't feel that iron grip most of the time anymore. Only certain social situations, like visiting doctor, triggers it mildly. "I should look them to the eyes but damn I can't. I have to try, between the eyebrows is good enough right? Don't babble out your own diagnosis either! Doctors don't want to hear that". I'm also more aware of my traits and I'm able to react in a correct way to under- and overstimulation. I know why coffee (doesn't) works how it does, and how it helps me. I have also analysed how I really work to keep functional level where it should be. Though it requires way too much regularity that it's super hard 😂😅. Everything makes sense. But I do like my life so much more now. There's more chaos than before but I feel like it's a good thing. My energy levels are still too low for normal human being though (4 hour work days are pretty much maximum for me), and past couple of weeks have underlined that so much as the amount of stress from work is quite overwhelming - which can be seen from my home. And now I know why it is like that!!! It's AMAZING! I hope ADHD medication would help in that but that requires diagnosis first, which I don't have. The balance is hard to achieve and maintain, especially because hormonal cycle affects it as well. But the occasional good weeks I have had has been mind blowing. But even the rough understandment of brain chemistry and the instability of it helps to understand my libido, stress response and tolerance, mood, executive function, migraine.. well, everything brain related. And as it is skewed, medication should help with that.

I'm still planning to do the comprehensive SRS journey post, similar to HRT one in which I go through everything. And I think I have recovered enough to write it Soon™.

'Til next time 💜