SRS: Dysphoria
I'm starting the SRS series with this post, though I don't have anything new to tell about it. The series will bit rather TMI but not as much as TMI series. It's just, well, what they are operating, it's easier to not use too many euphemisms.
But first what has happened during these two weeks. My now-ex-gf visited me after christmas, we exchanged presents and had a little talk. With that I got closure and peace with it. We will continue as good friends, as I still feel like she is my closest friend. I will refer to her as B later on if needed.
I also finally visited population registry centre, which changed its name to Digital and Population Data Services Agency (DVV for short, from finnish name) in the year change. I requested to fix my judicial gender and judging about the effects, they did the change on last day of the year. My strong authentication for official systems broke down, as it will fetch information from the population registry and, well, as gender is incorporated into the finnish ID number, my old ID number doesn't exist anymore, which the authentication system was trying to feed back, causing error "something went wrong", oh really. I still haven't got the decision about it via snail mail, I need that to visit banks to get the authentication working again so I can order new ID. The changes in the organisation might slow that letter down though. So, starting soon major paper war, yayyy...
So, to the actual topic. As the SRS is creeping closer, my dysphoria is getting worse. It's mostly fine during daytime when I have more than one piece of clothing, but whenever I visit toilet or see myself from mirror when I'm naked or wearing only panties, the dysphoria hits so hard. It looks weird. It feels wrong. I don't even want to touch it. Heck, I don't even want to write it's proper name here. Unfortunately not touching it isn't possible, like hiding it into the panties requires effort. But not wanting to touch it is bit of pain as well with this libido. It awoke again, after mourning B until her visit, and I have so mixed feelings now.
I have tried to think about how vulva would feel like. What kind of sensations I would have. How much easier it would be go to toilet. How wonderful sex and masturbation would be. Tried to distract my mind of thinking too much of that .. that .. thing. It helps little bit but not enough.
Though, I'm so lucky that I found one discord community year ago, in which there are many other trans-people and non-binaries as well as otherwise open-minded and accepting people. It feels so wonderful when people understands how dysphoria feels like and are able to comfort each other.
Next post will most likely about calling to HUS about the ID number and maybe inquiring about the surgery date..!
'Til next time~
But first what has happened during these two weeks. My now-ex-gf visited me after christmas, we exchanged presents and had a little talk. With that I got closure and peace with it. We will continue as good friends, as I still feel like she is my closest friend. I will refer to her as B later on if needed.
I also finally visited population registry centre, which changed its name to Digital and Population Data Services Agency (DVV for short, from finnish name) in the year change. I requested to fix my judicial gender and judging about the effects, they did the change on last day of the year. My strong authentication for official systems broke down, as it will fetch information from the population registry and, well, as gender is incorporated into the finnish ID number, my old ID number doesn't exist anymore, which the authentication system was trying to feed back, causing error "something went wrong", oh really. I still haven't got the decision about it via snail mail, I need that to visit banks to get the authentication working again so I can order new ID. The changes in the organisation might slow that letter down though. So, starting soon major paper war, yayyy...
So, to the actual topic. As the SRS is creeping closer, my dysphoria is getting worse. It's mostly fine during daytime when I have more than one piece of clothing, but whenever I visit toilet or see myself from mirror when I'm naked or wearing only panties, the dysphoria hits so hard. It looks weird. It feels wrong. I don't even want to touch it. Heck, I don't even want to write it's proper name here. Unfortunately not touching it isn't possible, like hiding it into the panties requires effort. But not wanting to touch it is bit of pain as well with this libido. It awoke again, after mourning B until her visit, and I have so mixed feelings now.
I have tried to think about how vulva would feel like. What kind of sensations I would have. How much easier it would be go to toilet. How wonderful sex and masturbation would be. Tried to distract my mind of thinking too much of that .. that .. thing. It helps little bit but not enough.
Though, I'm so lucky that I found one discord community year ago, in which there are many other trans-people and non-binaries as well as otherwise open-minded and accepting people. It feels so wonderful when people understands how dysphoria feels like and are able to comfort each other.
Next post will most likely about calling to HUS about the ID number and maybe inquiring about the surgery date..!
'Til next time~