Wandering thoughts 24
Rough three weeks.
My gf had halloween parties bit over a week ago, which was basically another tracon how much it taxed us. Things are normalizing again but it is really hard to push through by just seeing on a glimpse every now and then. It is a negative feedback loop, which is really bad thing in a relationship. Fortunately the loop gets broken rather soon after the event and turns into a positive feedback loop. But it was very hard for both of us anyway. I have to be careful with those negative loops as it is cumulative and possibly can end the relationship if it gets too bad. Or to burn-down of either, which is even worse. But it is good to realize it now, so things can be taken account to. And we have got some quality time again, went to amusement park and to see maleficent 2 in to theater. Though, not as much skinship as I would liked but I'm bit demanding in that, so I'm trying to restrict myself and not to cling too much. But that is so very hard.
I linked my blog to my friend some time ago and they opened up to me just couple of days ago. They have thought about their gender for a quite some time and wanted to talk to me as they find me safe person to open up and ask about things. As gender dysphoria cannot be understood if you haven't had it by yourself. You just can't get your mind around it properly how it really feels like. But, as they are to another direction (FtM), I don't know as much. I know quite a much but not things concerning trans-men especially. Like phalloplasty or how hormones affects exactly. But I do can help in the mental process and help through the process. They aren't first person I would be big sister for, though easily the closest. And I did suggest them to get themself to trans-clinic. As even while they aren't sure about their experience of gender, it doesn't matter as they will get help from the clinic. Some questions to process and think. Though, they do know what they would like to be, which feels the soothing presentation of gender. And as this kind of decision is big, regardless how far you go to the process. It will need some serious thinking and time. But by talking to me, they were confident enough to tell their partner about what is going on and it was relief for them. And as I know you will read this, remember that you can always ask from your big sis and I'm cheering for you 😉.
I also was finally able to get myself to find myself a therapist. I don't have one yet but I'm going to visit one in the end of this month! And I have another to which I should book time for visit. After those I can decide if either is good enough and if, start the actual treatment process, visiting twice a week for 45 minutes per visit.
The most cumbersome thing currently is migraine though. I have had almost constant migraine attacks for two whole months already. And because of that, lamotrigine was upped to 150+150mg a day. It has helped somewhat but not enough time has elapsed to know for sure. And this migraine loop needs to be stopped as well somehow. Maybe I should try imigran injection..?
It is somehow wonderfully fascinating to watch how your own gf starts to bloom to you. Her actions tell me so much how she feels towards to me that when I told her about that, she was almost offended. We have known each other for so little time that no wonder it takes time. But the relationship is getting deeper every moment and I love her more every day. And I don't need words to validate that, and neither do her, at least that's what I have been reading from her.
But now some sleep! 'Til next time~
My gf had halloween parties bit over a week ago, which was basically another tracon how much it taxed us. Things are normalizing again but it is really hard to push through by just seeing on a glimpse every now and then. It is a negative feedback loop, which is really bad thing in a relationship. Fortunately the loop gets broken rather soon after the event and turns into a positive feedback loop. But it was very hard for both of us anyway. I have to be careful with those negative loops as it is cumulative and possibly can end the relationship if it gets too bad. Or to burn-down of either, which is even worse. But it is good to realize it now, so things can be taken account to. And we have got some quality time again, went to amusement park and to see maleficent 2 in to theater. Though, not as much skinship as I would liked but I'm bit demanding in that, so I'm trying to restrict myself and not to cling too much. But that is so very hard.
I linked my blog to my friend some time ago and they opened up to me just couple of days ago. They have thought about their gender for a quite some time and wanted to talk to me as they find me safe person to open up and ask about things. As gender dysphoria cannot be understood if you haven't had it by yourself. You just can't get your mind around it properly how it really feels like. But, as they are to another direction (FtM), I don't know as much. I know quite a much but not things concerning trans-men especially. Like phalloplasty or how hormones affects exactly. But I do can help in the mental process and help through the process. They aren't first person I would be big sister for, though easily the closest. And I did suggest them to get themself to trans-clinic. As even while they aren't sure about their experience of gender, it doesn't matter as they will get help from the clinic. Some questions to process and think. Though, they do know what they would like to be, which feels the soothing presentation of gender. And as this kind of decision is big, regardless how far you go to the process. It will need some serious thinking and time. But by talking to me, they were confident enough to tell their partner about what is going on and it was relief for them. And as I know you will read this, remember that you can always ask from your big sis and I'm cheering for you 😉.
I also was finally able to get myself to find myself a therapist. I don't have one yet but I'm going to visit one in the end of this month! And I have another to which I should book time for visit. After those I can decide if either is good enough and if, start the actual treatment process, visiting twice a week for 45 minutes per visit.
The most cumbersome thing currently is migraine though. I have had almost constant migraine attacks for two whole months already. And because of that, lamotrigine was upped to 150+150mg a day. It has helped somewhat but not enough time has elapsed to know for sure. And this migraine loop needs to be stopped as well somehow. Maybe I should try imigran injection..?
It is somehow wonderfully fascinating to watch how your own gf starts to bloom to you. Her actions tell me so much how she feels towards to me that when I told her about that, she was almost offended. We have known each other for so little time that no wonder it takes time. But the relationship is getting deeper every moment and I love her more every day. And I don't need words to validate that, and neither do her, at least that's what I have been reading from her.
But now some sleep! 'Til next time~