Shivering
I'm finally feeling fragile. I'm not even sure about the reason. It might be the fact that I'm going to hormone clinic on tuesday morning or that I drank three ciders today. Or that I miss certain someone. Or that I talked a bit about MAIS yesterday first with my parents and later online with couple of friends and I'm even more confident that I have some problems with hormone response. Or accumulated stress. Or some combination of listed. Or even all of them. I want to cry. But I can't more than one drop. I want to hug (certain) someone so much.
Writing this is so hard now for some reason. Usually when I start writing blog post, it all just pours out. I don't have to think what to write or say or how to keep the text together. Even while being tipsy. My thoughts are messy and I can't keep then together quite well. I'm drowning myself into the music, which feels like the only thing keeping me together in this moment.
I visited my parents yesterday and I filled the papers which were sent to me from hormone clinic. As I have almost no idea what kind of sicknesses there is in my family, especially my grandparents as only one of them is still alive.
I have also thinked about my voice. Maybe I finally start to practice it in work. If other people have been able to use much worse techniques to change their voice, the technique I'm going to use won't kill my voice.
The feeling of wanting to cry is so crippling. Still I can't do it. I know that I have practiced to suppress it when I was bullied in school 20 years ago but even if I'm purposely trying to push it out, nothing. The weight on chest feels so heavy.
I should go to sleep soon. But I'm not sleepy at all. I'm just feeling sad and maybe bit desperate. And lonely. Maybe I should just go to bed and wait 'till I get some sleep.
Writing this is so hard now for some reason. Usually when I start writing blog post, it all just pours out. I don't have to think what to write or say or how to keep the text together. Even while being tipsy. My thoughts are messy and I can't keep then together quite well. I'm drowning myself into the music, which feels like the only thing keeping me together in this moment.
I visited my parents yesterday and I filled the papers which were sent to me from hormone clinic. As I have almost no idea what kind of sicknesses there is in my family, especially my grandparents as only one of them is still alive.
I have also thinked about my voice. Maybe I finally start to practice it in work. If other people have been able to use much worse techniques to change their voice, the technique I'm going to use won't kill my voice.
The feeling of wanting to cry is so crippling. Still I can't do it. I know that I have practiced to suppress it when I was bullied in school 20 years ago but even if I'm purposely trying to push it out, nothing. The weight on chest feels so heavy.
I should go to sleep soon. But I'm not sleepy at all. I'm just feeling sad and maybe bit desperate. And lonely. Maybe I should just go to bed and wait 'till I get some sleep.