Droplets from the voyage of a trans-woman

This doesn't concern my process directly, but affects to my well-being so I'm blogging about it. So, I had health conference yesterday with my boss and our occupational doctor. It was mainly because of my coping at work is bit bad as I have severe anxiety, even though I got "only" moderate from test. As it is very hard for me to start tasks. When I'm able, then there isn't any problem with it, until I finish it and it's time to start another one. So, we talked for a good while and my boss was understanding and he's mentality was/is that let's get this fixed. And the doctor was like "you haven't been on sick leave because of this. Are you really sure you don't need it?". So, as my own opinion is that it might be easier for me to do shorter workday, although I can't afford it. So, doctor suggested that she will write me partial sickness benefit. But pre-requisite for that is that I have been on sick leave for at least two week

There is one thing which has bugged me for a long time already. Why so many people take my way of speaking as flirting? Is it that I speak bit like women speak, which is very natural to me so cis-woman (and sometimes -men as well) take it as flirt, when I mean it as honest compliment or normal talk. Part of the problem is that I have kind of sixth sense of sensing people's emotions. I can differentiate very subtle changes in behaviour and kind of know the emotion behind it. That might be something what I have learned during the years as performing different (often very strong) emotions is standard thing for actor, one of the first things you have to learn, to be exact. So I'm very conscious of them. There is times when I'm able to sense emotion through written text, but that is much harder. There was case in Ropecon where I complimented one woman, who is also in the convention organizing scene, about her corset. As I have a thing for corsets, but who goth chick doesn'

Tracon had party tonight for people who worked in the event. There was quite a much of people and I drunk bit too much. Almost a bottle of red wine, one strong beer, one cider, one cocktail and little bit of whisky and it was too much for me. I threw up in the end.. And that isn't that much of alcohol in a first place! My crush was also in the party. There was good chance to tell her when we were somewhat in private, but she started to see other guy just recently. Oh well. But I did learn that it would not be problem for her to have a relationship with me! So I won't shut my feelings completely, but as I respect relationships, I will just wait and see what happens. Although I linked my blog to her so she will read this most likely. So! If you read this and if some day you are single again, let me know ;) I was blown away how many people were worried about me as I was in the toilet for quite some time. One of them was one of my oldest friends, which kind of surprised me as w

I have thought about life after walking around in public wearing corset and makeup. And I mean real public, not in the safety of Tampere-Talo. I went to grocery store near my apartment (biggest in the city) in saturday evening before doing anything to my looks and I felt bit out of place. But that was just because I weren't wearing jacket, like ~everyone else was, and corset added "bit" of fanciness which raised quite a much stares. Although I have to admit that I kinda like those stares.. But, the thoughts. I'm bored of being afraid. I have said more and more "I have nothing to lose" lately. That isn't exactly true but mostly. Almost nothing would be accurate as I do have job and place to live and food to eat. Life tends to give you wounds time to time, so it will be easier to just take the wound and live on. It will heal within time. Most of the time I have tried to avoid the wound and got even bigger wound that I would have if I wouldn't be afra

Tracon is now behind from my part. I was the long-range driver of the guests of honor and responsible of the networking. Both of the GoH's are now either left the country or in capital area waiting for their return flight. The start of the con was chaos. Fortunately we got it sorted out mostly within Friday. And, it was first time I wore skirt, corset, girly V-neckline shirt and makeup in public. And I enjoyed very much. My dear friend, who I was finally able to see again in person after many years, applied makeup for me for first day and gave me some of the products she used to me so I was able to apply it by myself for the second day. And it seems I haven't forgot everything in 7 years. I found it funny that people didn't really asked me much about my looks, but how I can wear the corset, especially for so long times. As it is just matter of getting used to it and you need to "run it in" so the corset will take shape according to your body and to be comfortabl

Almost another month without any posts. Tracon is just around the corner. Tomorrow is going to be the construction day and weekend the event itself. I have lost 16kg now after I started to lose weight "for real" little over half a year ago. I'm almost below the magic 30 BMI mark. It's something like less than one kilogram away. My sleep apnea has gotten better, very much even, but my body has awoken as well that "hey, this is what it was to be man". I can clearly feel the testosterone piling up. And I hate it. I want to get rid of it as soon as possible. Although I have read that testosterone production reduces when you are heavily overweight and will normalize when you get to more normal weight. I might bit tipsy while writing this post but it doesn't change what I feel. It just lowers the threshold. The drunkenness doesn't have the euphoric edge anymore. I haven't felt my brain covered in velvet for a long time. I kind of miss it already. B