SRS: Half a year later
6 months, half a year. Long - or short, time. For me it feels like both at the same time, so much has happened but it feels like I'm missing month or two.
Straight to the point: I feel like I'm roughly 2 months late what comes to general recovery of the surgery. My tactile feel is starting to get better and I can actually feel light touch in some spots. There's quite good tactile feel on clitoris as well, maybe little bit on hypersensitive side even. The swelling has gotten smaller, though it's still bit swollen. But not by much. There's still no erogenous feel though, unfortunately. And because of that, my libido is rather low most of the time. There's couple of days in a month (clearly tied to hormonal cycle) when it's really high but rest of the time - not so much. I don't feel suffering though, just little frustrated. But, like I said, I feel like I'm bit late in the recovery, most likely thanks to the necrosis, so I'm confident that the proper tactile and erogenous feels will come back some day. The average time is 3 to 6 months after all.
There's also one major bomb dropped to my lap couple of months ago. My best friend said "Like a proper aspie, I know you live a lot in advance in your head" - Aspie, asperger, wait, what!? I investigated things a bit and suddenly so many things started to make sense. I'm actually neurodivergent! I really can't say in which way as I see traits from ADHD, Asperger, Autism, maybe little bit even from ADD, so I'm leaving the diagnosis to the professionals, but I'm 99% sure that I'm somewhere in the autistic spectrum. Some of the over-analysis I have written here started to make sense as well! I actually wrote out all the oddities, easy and hard things out and took couple of screenshots from WhatsApp conversation with my brother when I told him about this. 4 pages long thing. Threw that towards my best friend and one other friend I'm talking quite a lot and they said that it's the most autistic thing they have seen in a while. Welp.
I got myself a reference from psychiatrist to neurodiversity clinic of TAYS, haven't heard about them yet. Even the psychiatrist agreed that yup, I have something, but hard to say what within one hour. But thanks to the realization of that, I have been able to understand what the tight grasp of myself actually was! I felt like losing control - of what? The different aspects of neurodiversity. I was trying to act like neurotypical, which I'm not. And now when I'm not trying to be something I'm not, I realized how much it actually took energy from me. No wonder I has been so exhausted! I can actually save energy by stimming, which I suppressed before, averting eye contact, which I did forcefully out of politeness, and generally not feeling bad for being what I am - little bit clumsy with language, not understanding social or conversational boundaries and many other things.
Some things in my recovery might even be related to the neurodiversity. The way my brain processes pain and tactile feels might differ from neurotypical, making the recovery harder to compare to others. My tactile feel is extremely sensitive generally - when I compare the tactile feel around my pussy to that, well, it's quite bad. I would say almost numb. But it doesn't mean I don't have any tactile feel in there - the comparison is just really hard and how I perceive the feeling! Also I process pain differently, I think, as my threshold is high and tolerance is good. It might also affect the way and time the nerves heal. Like I said, I feel like I'm roughly 2 months behind typical times. We'll see.
I'm still planning to write comprehensive post about the whole SRS (or GRS, though IMO gender has nothing to do with it..) process, but I want to see first how the tactile feel develops. But don't expect more than couple of posts a year anymore, the whole purpose of this blog as diary about my transition is pretty much fulfilled already. Anyway, I will write occasionally nevertheless.
'Til next time~ 💜