3 years of the voyage

It's been months since I have written here. It has been mentally extremely tiring time. And not just because of COVID-19.

So, it has been little bit over 3 years since the first blog post. A LOT has happened since. A lot has happened during these months from last post. But let's look first HRT- and voyage-wise.

Something HRT has done to me recently is that my skin has changed a bit. I can't even describe how, but it has. Kinda softer but more like to fragile direction. It can't handle physical stress, like, almost at all. Which is kinda annoying but very feminine attribute. I just need to be carefull what kind of fabric the clothes I'm using are and that the shoes I'm wearing are able to fit like a glove as they will cause problems otherwise. My boobs have continued growing and I recently thought that it's finally time to go to proper lingerie store. I went to Change and bought two bras. They are like I have never felt before, never my boobs have had this kind of proper support. Which is also why they have been bit sore since. But I'm sure it's just because the muscles doesn't have to support the whole weight of them anymore. It was also interesting otherwise as I had 80E bras and I bought 75E.. So, my sizing has been off all the time. Anyway, I hope the bras will support the growth as well to make the boobs fuller as there is enough support now.

My mind has been shifting as well. The quarantine time has been extra rough for me and I have mostly tried to distract myself by doing lots of work, reading manga and watching youtube. But the way I think and watch world has changed as well, like it will start to in the end of puberty. I really am like a teenager. The changes in mind are extremely hard to explain but anyway.

One of the reasons my mind has been in the state it is, is the fact that my mom died little over 2 months ago. Like I wrote previously, it was kinda expected and it wasn't due covid. She got either heart failure or stroke or both, due the dialysis, according to doctors. It was good thing that she got away peacefully during sleep but I'm still getting used to the fact my mom is dead, like I still talk about "my parents" and not just "my dad". Eventually I suppose. And my dad's condition isn't exactly great either, but I hope he will be around closer to 15 years than 5. It would be easier for my nieces as well, and my grandmom. I'm really worried about her, so many of her siblings have died just recently and now even daughter. 

B has been major problem for my head as well. We haven't changed word in any media or IRL after desucon in the end of january and I'm completely unable to get her out of my head. They say that your first is to what you compare everyone and who you can't get out of your head but for me it's B. I have seen her by a glimpse on a street far away and my heart has jumped every time. I want to at least go to coffee date as friends at least. I have thought so much all the mistakes I did during the relationship and reflected those and try to change my mind to not to do same mistakes again. With anyone on that matter. Which is super hard, I have had couple of crushed through discord, which were really typical for me, went away within a week, and almost did some of the mistakes with them as well. But I'm learning, and I'm not willing to do stupid mistakes and make relationship super toxic by accident because of those.

And because of that reflection, I feel like I'm useless and dull. That I'm just bothering everyone. I'm needed at work but that's pretty much only thing I feel good about myself, where I feel needed and good at what I'm doing. But I have almost no experience about partying or festivals, I'm not able to cook or anything like that. And I know that people are saying "No you are not!" but it's really typical denial, it's really hard to accept endorsement if you don't believe to it by yourself.

The building I'm living in will be demolished in one and half a year at the earliest. Which has been making me thinking about moving to other city or even country. To kind of start new life. Leave everything I have now behind, taking only the necessities. But the covid situation has made me realise how good country Finland actually is. Especially the health care. But if I move to, let's say capital area, it won't be new start as half of my friends are living there. Though, seeing them more often might be good for my mental state as I'm still extrovert who needs lots of friends to hang out with. And hopefully leave B permanently behind. Though even saying it makes me extremely sad. Moving to other country would also mean learning the local language, finding new job and friends. I'm not sure if I'm ready to any of that.

My dysphoria has been extremely bad lately as well. Its bothering me all the time but especially when I go to toilet or see myself naked from mirror, or with not enough clothes when I can see the bulge. Every time is like knockdown to the floor, mentally. It's extremely hard and I really want that they continue the SRS' as soon as possible. So I can get this fixed and hopefully get cured from this anxious depression. This has been possibly the main reason I haven't have enough energy to write here.

I'm pretty sure I won't be writing any time soon and the next post will be about SRS. Which is hopefully sooner than later. But we'll see, my mental condition might get better enough that I'm able to write.

'Till next time~