Life is hard

Long time, no post. Process-wise, pretty much nothing has happened. Life in general has been another question though.


My gf broke up with me bit over a week ago. I'm still completely crumbly. Last week's friday was the worst, I wasn't able to do much other than cry. I wasn't able to eat in three days other than breakfast, which I have to eat because of meds. And even that was hard. I have lost 4kg of weight. I think her constantly. I miss her. I want her to become back. This has been extremely hard for me. I have thought things which would have resulted this and was able to figure out several. I hope I can at least apologize about those in person, I don't want to do it over some messaging app.

And because that isn't enough, my mom was officially transitioned to terminal care. She has had type 1 diabetes for 65 years (she is 68), and several doctors have said to her that it is medical miracle she is still alive and well. Well, her legs are typical so right leg has been amputated under the knee couple of years ago already and the left leg was amputated recently as well. That was bit too much for her body and the recovery has been very slow and fluid. In bad days she might have been able to be somewhat conscious for 15 seconds. In good days, maybe hour or two. Her memory is bad and sense of time is all over the place. Day after the breakup when I went to see my mom (not the best idea but it was agreed much earlier already), tearful and I really thought this might be the last time I see her alive. Fortunately my big brother lives in the same town my parents do and has been able to visit her daily, talk with doctors and so and has been able to make sure our mom gets the attention she needs. Her blood sugar was super high for a long time which was part of the reason she was so sleepy. Her long-acting insulin was changed to less long-acting (24h vs. 12h) and nurses has been able to get the sugars where they should be. And she has been getting better now. Fortunately.

I also moved, again, to the centrum this time. 5 min commute by foot. Other reason for the move was to get closer to my gf, she lives in the next block. But, it seems it was rather pointless. Though, the apartment is nice and feels more like home than any other apartment yet, and everything is close.


I also was able to search for therapist. And even found one. But I can't afford it, even while Kela is paying great part of it but 300€/month is still too much. Which is rather ironic.


My depression has gotten lot better though, thanks to my gf just being part of my life. I have had reason to try and live. Though now it's very hard to not let go and let myself to sink back to the pit. I have tried to distract myself with work and guild wars 2 but it hasn't been very effective. Somewhat but not too much. I'm just trying to drown myself to the music again and crawl forward.



One thing is going slowly forward process-wise though: time to SRS. I know it should be within 3 months. I try to be more active about it here when the time comes. It will be yet another trial for my mind as well because of HRT pause, 1 month before and after because of embolism risk.




'Til next time, whenever that is.

Popular posts from this blog

Uncensored Tipsy Thoughts 5

SRS: 1 year later

SRS: T-23 hours