HRT: 13th month and depression

It has been extremely rough one and a half months. This post will be more me writing out the bad feelings than about the HRT, as not much has happened.

Well, let's talk about the HRT first. Last month was just sum up of previous year so looking bit further than one month. After the depression med, voxra, was left out, hormones started to work differently, more strongly. Because of that I went to blood tests, and doctor said that they are now in very good levels, testosterone was 0.2 (way less than cis-woman normally would have) and estradiol was 0.62 (around same amount cis-woman would have). So, happy about that. My boobs ache every now and then so they are still growing and my muscles are sore. And I notice more and more that I have lost a lot of strength. Though, my weight hasn't changed much, so it must have been converted to fat.

The sick leave ended with me going back to work. But as I was almost 6 weeks away, my occupational doctor thought it would be good idea to take bit more of the partial sickness benefit. As I was at work at least 30 days after last time, but as it has been less than 2 years, I can get 50 additional days, so about two months. And with 40% contract so my work days are 3 hours long. Also, because of the situation, my doctor sent me to see psychiatrist for consultation for psychotherapy. It needed two visits, so she could write endorsement for it, so I went there 2 weeks ago first time. She also offered different depression med, brintellix, to replace voxra. So, I tried it aaaaand, it didn't went well. Second time was today and it will be left out. But she will write the papers so I can start to search for therapist.

But, the damn med. It pushed me down. Very hard. Almost to the point of suicidal thoughts. I know the pit as I have been in the bottom. I'm not far from there. I'm actually amused that I'm even able to get my ass to work. It has been serious fight, though, to be honest, just to get out from my apartment. But I'm not planning to start planning anything stupid, I'm too far in the process, closer to the dream than I ever have been. I have many good friends, and the closest ones are at least as important to me as my partner. Heck, I have a partner. I feel like I'm needed at work. I have absolutely no reason to do anything stupid. And I won't. I have gone through worse and I'm still here.

Though, I did feel depressed before going to see the psychiatrist. That's why I was willing to try the med. Even while I don't have good experience with depression meds and this experiment will not make them any better. I have overestimated my mental strength, or the weight of the process. Or both. Hormones might have affected to my mental strength as well, I have a feeling that I don't have any kind of resistance to stress anymore. I'm able to get by in my work just because I have learned not to stress and have developed coping methods to handle the stress.

Right now I'm not really living my life, I'm mostly just surviving. Trying very hard to get myself up again. I almost was before the med. Now I have to start again, and climb up from the damn pit as well. At least it isn't made from quicksand this time. I'm just so tired to this feeling and to the thought how much work it would require to get up.

I want to read. But I'm not able to concentrate to it. I'm barely able to concentrate to some super casual game as bejeweled, because work took all I had. I'm surprising myself to be able to write this blog post. I wish I could sleep more, but even that is hard, thanks to the med and migraine.



I hope this is good enough explanation why I haven't posted in over a month. And an excuse to keep another (short-ish) pause.

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