HRT: First year
One year. It's a short and a long time at the same time. So much can (and has) happen in a year but it's still just 1.27% of average lifespan (79 years). This post will contain TMI part, which I will disclose as this post is gonna be very long one. It's mostly just a sum up though.
So, 1 year ago, about 08:00 in the morning, I applied first patch to my skin and took first anti-androgen pill. How the medication has went? I'm using Estradot patches as estrogen and spironolactone as anti-androgen. In addition to those, I'm using migraine inhibitors. The dosages started with 25µg with estradot and 50mg with spironolactone. Estradot is small(ish) piece of white, translucent, flexible plastic patch with glue on the other side. The estradiol is mixed into the glue and it will permeate the skin and go straight to the bloodstream. The glue is same in every dosage, only size is different. Spironolactone is normal pill. In addition I'm using finasteride as I was balding already.
The start wasn't smooth, 50mg initial dosage of spironolactone was too much for me as I used beta blocker medicine as one of the migraine inhibitors and those two weren't quite compatible. So, the initial dosage was halved to 25mg and I raised it up once a week, so, first week 25mg, second 50mg and so forth, until I reached 100mg after a month. I still use that dosage. The beta blocker was ramped down and left away as well.
The initial dosage of estradot lasted only for one week, before it was doubled to 50µg. After that, it was raised with 25µg increments in every two months until I reached 100µg. It was in the middle of July when it happened. And in the half year check-up they did blood tests and noticed that my estradiol levels were too low, and bumped the dosage right away to 150µg. Still using that dosage, though I'm going to blood tests in next Tuesday to check the levels again.
My migraine inhibitors were tuned during the year as well. Quite soon after the start my migraine started to act, which was expected. I went to see neurologist and she left the beta blocker away, lowered tricyclic antidepressant and bumped the antiepileptic. Back then, I used 75 mg + 50 mg of Lamotrigine (antiepileptic), 25mg of Noritren (tricyclic) and 5mg of Orloc (beta blocker), if I recall correctly. Orloc was left away anyway, noritren was dropped to 10mg and lamotrigine was raised very slowly to 100 mg + 100 mg. And half year later it was raised again, that I just month ago got it to dosage of 125 mg + 150mg. And yeah, my migraine is rather cumbersome, I really hope I can switch back to orloc after SRS, when I leave spironolactone away as I won't need it after the surgery. It was the most effective medicine.
So, currently my medication is: 125 mg + 150 mg of lamotrigine, 10 mg of noritren, 1.25 mg of finasteride, 100 mg of spironolactone and 150µg of estradot. In addition to those I eat B-, C- and D-vitamins & zinc.
What that medication was able to achieve then? Many changes in body and mind. This time I will start with mind.
The way I think now is completely different to what it was. I have always thought much about things but now I'm thinking something constantly. My mind is sometimes even multitasking so much that the thoughts are multiplexing, so I'm thinking multiple things at the same time but only one of them is what I'm processing consciously at a time, like in time-division multiplexing, while the other thoughts are processed in sub-conscious in the meantime. And jumping back and forth between the thought-streams. And what and how I think now is changed as well. I'm thinking like a woman now, I see world like women do. I'm paying more attention to details while still not forgetting the whole thing. I notice different things in this world. I'm interpreting things people say differently. I use cryptic and ambiguous sentences when communicating. The change is impossible to explain.
And that's not only thing what has happened to my mind. All of my emotions have been amplified as well. I'm mostly (some things have changed, see previous chapter) feeling the same way about things, like I still love cats for example, but the emotion itself is amplified. So, before HRT when I saw cute picture of a kitten, I might not have had any kind of physical reaction, or maybe a small smile. Now, it's very visible smile, most likely some squeak and raising hands to the mouth as well. But, it's not just the happy emotions, it's also the bad. I have had hard time controlling my temper, fortunately age has done its job in that as well but the feelings of depression, sadness, love and hate have been amplified. I'm really happy that I'm able to cry thanks to that but my depression got bit worse in the start of HRT because of that. It has gotten lot better now because my dysphoria isn't that bad anymore but it's still pushing me down. Though, the ability to cry was one of the goals what I want from HRT and I definitely hit that. I just read one article about online communities and how even disabled people can make deep relationships through MMO games and it was so emotional that I cried rather much, almost to the point that I made a sound other than sniffing.
I have some other words to say about what has happened in my mind but I will do that in TMI section.
So, the physical changes. Some of them are very obvious and prominent but not all.
I'm starting from the most obvious one. Boobs. They are still growing. They grow so extremely slowly. When I started using bras, I used 85A. And looking back, they were a tiny bit big for me. Obviously, I started using them about half a year before starting HRT. But the HRT caused fat to redistribute and I have lost weight and muscle that I jumped quite soon to 80B. They have grown rather steadily from there, my current bras are 80D and I just ordered 80E. I wanted big boobs, and it looks like I'm going to get them as well. Though, they are bit "fox noses", so they lack volume in the upper part of the boob, and I want to get them bit bigger from there. The cup size is rather adequate already. But, last time I measured myself, the difference between under and over the boobs was 18 cm so yeah, they are starting to be quite big.
My skin has gotten a lot softer, smoother and sensitive as well. It started from tummy area and spread from there. I just love how it feels like now and I don't wonder why women's clothing is so soft and smooth. Our skin can't handle rough materials. It's also more sensitive, I can feel lighter touches, though it also means that things that hurts, hurts more now. I have a feeling that I look younger now as well thanks to the look of my skin.
My hair, in head and around the body have changed as well, and nails. Hair around my body is thinner and more translucent, in my head it's healthier, there is more of it and it's thicker. Though it grows so slowly that it's getting on my nerves. There is at least three different kind of hair in my head in one tress. And it's very visible as I dyed my hair to purple, the dye fades very quickly in the bad part of hair and stays really well in the good part. And the good part is durable and silky and glowy 💜. My nails have been quite on-off condition, some parts are really hard and durable, 2 mm later it's weak and tries to flake. But even then, they are in nice arch and they look like women's nails. Especially as I'm keeping them bit longer now than I had before and even more if I paint them.
Muscles on the other hand have gone away. I think relatively I have lost most of them from arms. My wrists are much thinner than they were and my arms have thinned as well. Fortunately my finger power is still there. My back have lost muscle a lot as well, especially shoulders. I have lost the least from legs, which isn't amusing me, I'm using my fingers and legs the most after all. But I have lost muscle from legs, I can feel it. And I love the feeling of being weak for some reason. Although it happened quite sneakily, I didn't realize how much I have lost muscle before I tried to use them.
My face got it's own changes as well. Not much but a little bit anyway. And I have a feeling that weight changes have more to do with my face than HRT. But my jawline is smoother and my cheekbones are more prominent now thanks to fat on them and lack of it below them. That, laser epilation of beard, changes in skin and plucking eyebrows makes this rather androgynous face passing in anywhere. Add a bit of makeup and even those who doubted a bit before will not. And losing weight will do even more to the fat distribution, to make my face more feminine.
Something has happened to my feet as well. I used to have 45EU shoe size. It's 42EU now. I'm not sure is it weight loss, support insoles, HRT, or the combination of them which has done this but it means I can find shoes of my liking pretty much anywhere. And I have fallen in love to high heels, even the shoes with lowest heel have 4cm heels, highest being 12cm 😅. Those 12cm heeled shoes have 4cm of platform though, so they aren't THAT high.
The smell of me have changed somewhat as well. I can smell my old clothes so the smell of my sweat have changed at least somewhat. The smell of my pee has changed as well.
I think that's most of the non-TMI part. The following chapters are going to be TMI separated with line. So, if you don't want to know about my sexuality, libido and things like that, skip to the second line.
So, 1 year ago, about 08:00 in the morning, I applied first patch to my skin and took first anti-androgen pill. How the medication has went? I'm using Estradot patches as estrogen and spironolactone as anti-androgen. In addition to those, I'm using migraine inhibitors. The dosages started with 25µg with estradot and 50mg with spironolactone. Estradot is small(ish) piece of white, translucent, flexible plastic patch with glue on the other side. The estradiol is mixed into the glue and it will permeate the skin and go straight to the bloodstream. The glue is same in every dosage, only size is different. Spironolactone is normal pill. In addition I'm using finasteride as I was balding already.
The start wasn't smooth, 50mg initial dosage of spironolactone was too much for me as I used beta blocker medicine as one of the migraine inhibitors and those two weren't quite compatible. So, the initial dosage was halved to 25mg and I raised it up once a week, so, first week 25mg, second 50mg and so forth, until I reached 100mg after a month. I still use that dosage. The beta blocker was ramped down and left away as well.
The initial dosage of estradot lasted only for one week, before it was doubled to 50µg. After that, it was raised with 25µg increments in every two months until I reached 100µg. It was in the middle of July when it happened. And in the half year check-up they did blood tests and noticed that my estradiol levels were too low, and bumped the dosage right away to 150µg. Still using that dosage, though I'm going to blood tests in next Tuesday to check the levels again.
My migraine inhibitors were tuned during the year as well. Quite soon after the start my migraine started to act, which was expected. I went to see neurologist and she left the beta blocker away, lowered tricyclic antidepressant and bumped the antiepileptic. Back then, I used 75 mg + 50 mg of Lamotrigine (antiepileptic), 25mg of Noritren (tricyclic) and 5mg of Orloc (beta blocker), if I recall correctly. Orloc was left away anyway, noritren was dropped to 10mg and lamotrigine was raised very slowly to 100 mg + 100 mg. And half year later it was raised again, that I just month ago got it to dosage of 125 mg + 150mg. And yeah, my migraine is rather cumbersome, I really hope I can switch back to orloc after SRS, when I leave spironolactone away as I won't need it after the surgery. It was the most effective medicine.
So, currently my medication is: 125 mg + 150 mg of lamotrigine, 10 mg of noritren, 1.25 mg of finasteride, 100 mg of spironolactone and 150µg of estradot. In addition to those I eat B-, C- and D-vitamins & zinc.
What that medication was able to achieve then? Many changes in body and mind. This time I will start with mind.
The way I think now is completely different to what it was. I have always thought much about things but now I'm thinking something constantly. My mind is sometimes even multitasking so much that the thoughts are multiplexing, so I'm thinking multiple things at the same time but only one of them is what I'm processing consciously at a time, like in time-division multiplexing, while the other thoughts are processed in sub-conscious in the meantime. And jumping back and forth between the thought-streams. And what and how I think now is changed as well. I'm thinking like a woman now, I see world like women do. I'm paying more attention to details while still not forgetting the whole thing. I notice different things in this world. I'm interpreting things people say differently. I use cryptic and ambiguous sentences when communicating. The change is impossible to explain.
And that's not only thing what has happened to my mind. All of my emotions have been amplified as well. I'm mostly (some things have changed, see previous chapter) feeling the same way about things, like I still love cats for example, but the emotion itself is amplified. So, before HRT when I saw cute picture of a kitten, I might not have had any kind of physical reaction, or maybe a small smile. Now, it's very visible smile, most likely some squeak and raising hands to the mouth as well. But, it's not just the happy emotions, it's also the bad. I have had hard time controlling my temper, fortunately age has done its job in that as well but the feelings of depression, sadness, love and hate have been amplified. I'm really happy that I'm able to cry thanks to that but my depression got bit worse in the start of HRT because of that. It has gotten lot better now because my dysphoria isn't that bad anymore but it's still pushing me down. Though, the ability to cry was one of the goals what I want from HRT and I definitely hit that. I just read one article about online communities and how even disabled people can make deep relationships through MMO games and it was so emotional that I cried rather much, almost to the point that I made a sound other than sniffing.
I have some other words to say about what has happened in my mind but I will do that in TMI section.
So, the physical changes. Some of them are very obvious and prominent but not all.
I'm starting from the most obvious one. Boobs. They are still growing. They grow so extremely slowly. When I started using bras, I used 85A. And looking back, they were a tiny bit big for me. Obviously, I started using them about half a year before starting HRT. But the HRT caused fat to redistribute and I have lost weight and muscle that I jumped quite soon to 80B. They have grown rather steadily from there, my current bras are 80D and I just ordered 80E. I wanted big boobs, and it looks like I'm going to get them as well. Though, they are bit "fox noses", so they lack volume in the upper part of the boob, and I want to get them bit bigger from there. The cup size is rather adequate already. But, last time I measured myself, the difference between under and over the boobs was 18 cm so yeah, they are starting to be quite big.
My skin has gotten a lot softer, smoother and sensitive as well. It started from tummy area and spread from there. I just love how it feels like now and I don't wonder why women's clothing is so soft and smooth. Our skin can't handle rough materials. It's also more sensitive, I can feel lighter touches, though it also means that things that hurts, hurts more now. I have a feeling that I look younger now as well thanks to the look of my skin.
My hair, in head and around the body have changed as well, and nails. Hair around my body is thinner and more translucent, in my head it's healthier, there is more of it and it's thicker. Though it grows so slowly that it's getting on my nerves. There is at least three different kind of hair in my head in one tress. And it's very visible as I dyed my hair to purple, the dye fades very quickly in the bad part of hair and stays really well in the good part. And the good part is durable and silky and glowy 💜. My nails have been quite on-off condition, some parts are really hard and durable, 2 mm later it's weak and tries to flake. But even then, they are in nice arch and they look like women's nails. Especially as I'm keeping them bit longer now than I had before and even more if I paint them.
Muscles on the other hand have gone away. I think relatively I have lost most of them from arms. My wrists are much thinner than they were and my arms have thinned as well. Fortunately my finger power is still there. My back have lost muscle a lot as well, especially shoulders. I have lost the least from legs, which isn't amusing me, I'm using my fingers and legs the most after all. But I have lost muscle from legs, I can feel it. And I love the feeling of being weak for some reason. Although it happened quite sneakily, I didn't realize how much I have lost muscle before I tried to use them.
My face got it's own changes as well. Not much but a little bit anyway. And I have a feeling that weight changes have more to do with my face than HRT. But my jawline is smoother and my cheekbones are more prominent now thanks to fat on them and lack of it below them. That, laser epilation of beard, changes in skin and plucking eyebrows makes this rather androgynous face passing in anywhere. Add a bit of makeup and even those who doubted a bit before will not. And losing weight will do even more to the fat distribution, to make my face more feminine.
Something has happened to my feet as well. I used to have 45EU shoe size. It's 42EU now. I'm not sure is it weight loss, support insoles, HRT, or the combination of them which has done this but it means I can find shoes of my liking pretty much anywhere. And I have fallen in love to high heels, even the shoes with lowest heel have 4cm heels, highest being 12cm 😅. Those 12cm heeled shoes have 4cm of platform though, so they aren't THAT high.
The smell of me have changed somewhat as well. I can smell my old clothes so the smell of my sweat have changed at least somewhat. The smell of my pee has changed as well.
I think that's most of the non-TMI part. The following chapters are going to be TMI separated with line. So, if you don't want to know about my sexuality, libido and things like that, skip to the second line.
------------------------------------< TMI >------------------------------------------
So, the TMI-part of physical changes. Let's start with sexual stuff.
My penis and balls have shrunk, especially balls. They are something like half of what they were or less. My penis is not that thick anymore and it's harder to get up and it won't even try if I don't want to get erection. And without stimulation it will drop really fast. The glans have gotten more sensitive as well and foreskin is thicker to protect it. When I masturbate, I really don't cum anymore. Or if I do, the amount is so small that it never gets out. But I assume that the composition of sperm is still the same than before the amount dropped, it got very translucent, almost clear, and less sticky. The smell of it changed as well.
My orgasms, oh, my orgasms. They have had the biggest change and I love my current orgasms so much that I'm almost addicted to them. I'm rather sure I'm going to be almost nympho after SRS. First of all, my orgasms were bursting and short before, lasting less than 5 seconds. Now, they last something like 10-15 seconds and it takes couple of second to reach the peak. And the intensity is multiple times greater than it was. Interestingly, the direction have changed as well, my orgasms were exploding before, now they are imploding. My whole body wants to curl up and I'm trembling. When I described my current orgasms to my partner, she just said "sounds like woman's orgasm".
When I get aroused, the feeling is very strong. My mind starts to feel numb, my vision gets more blurred in the sides and there is certain type of heavy feeling in the chest as well as light panting and feeling of increased sensitivity in the groin. I tend to look people I wanna fuck in a certain way in that state as well. That is also completely new feeling. I love it so much as well.
My libido is stronger than ever and it's just getting stronger all the time. If it wasn't clear from the couple of previous chapters, I'm bit of a oddball of a trans-woman, because I want sex so much. My penis is causing me major dysphoria but I still want to masturbate because I love the other feelings it causes. I'm waiting for SRS so much, fortunately I just got all the papers together and called to the clinic that they can put me to the queue.
------------------------------------< / TMI >------------------------------------------
The year has been quite a ride and many things went differently than I thought. Like the amplification of emotions, they didn't change like I thought, they just got amplified. And because of the ride, it has been bit hard at work. I'm currently on a sick leave because of that. The people at there are awesome and the morale is high, everyone is supporting me at least passively but the work itself is mentally tiring and the process has been especially rough for the head. So much so fundamental things have changed. But still, I wouldn't change one second. This is what I want and I will continue to pursue it until I'm ready. And that will take some time. And enjoy myself to the fullest after that.
After reading this post before posting I noticed that I don't doubt that much anymore. I trust myself. I know this is right. And it is rather nice feeling. I'm able to be true to myself. At last.