Droplets from the voyage of a trans-woman

Today was the visit to the transclinic to see the psychiatric senior doctor. I was very nervous for two reasons: I was almost late even when I reserved 45 minutes to this 15min trip, thanks to morning rush hour and tram construction, and the fact that I was going there. The doctor was more calm than she was 6,5 years ago, at least what I remember from that visit. She started with "Well, I read the reference and we have talked 6,5 years ago but I would like to know what do you think about your gender identity by yourself". I wasn't sure what to say as not much has changed from last time, other than I'm very sure what I want now. We chatted a bit and during it she wrote almost two A4 pages of notes. Unfortunately that text isn't yet readable from national health database system (omakanta), or from that part any citizen can access, as there is delay between that database and PSHP (Pirkanmaan SairaanHoitoPiiri, Pirkanmaa Hospital District in english) health record s

I have noticed something as I have lost some weight more and my face is getting androgynous again. With my current clothes and with my feminine speechless communication, I'm going through. I'm not sure if my voice is, but men lets me go first, other women act differently like in bus and I have noticed several random people to check me out. It's bit funny because I don't really feel like I'm going through, yet. Because I don't feel like that, I'm not used to it and sometimes it takes me half a second to realize that men are giving me way to enter bus first for example. I do have little bit resting bitch face, though, which might give wrong impression as well. But I have to learn to expect those little gestures, at least a little bit, as it will cause serious confusion if I don't take those spaces or act like I'm expected as those everyday gentlemen's expect me be grateful from the gestures. And this is so new to me. I didn't get those last t

Our photographing service went to Kumakumacon on last Saturday and I had same clothes that I had in Tracon, as I like that shirt and other clothing has been in daily use since Tracon, only exception being t-shirt on corset, which I didn't wear now, and that I haven't used corset daily before start of October. I also wore make-up, of course. Very subtle amount of it but I noticed that even that was enough to get this face to be through-going. After convention we stopped at gas station on our way home and grabbed some food. I remembered what I wore after I took my jacket off and sat down. There was some old grumps couple of tables away, who didn't either notice me, didn't care what I looked like or I was going through to them. No matter the reason, it was mild heart attack as I haven't been in "real" public much with that outfit. And I know that my voice will shatter the illusion anyway, as I haven't practiced my voice much, and even speaking with the

Today I went to my parents to change winter tyres to their car, which I'm permanently loaning currently. Because of that I used pants I used to use, long-sleeved shirt I used to wear under t-shirt some years ago and t-shirt. And some extra insulation as there is +5°C outside and jacket would be just in the way. I didn't realize how much that would cause anguish. The pants were so big and felt weird. The shirt combination just raised some unpleasant memories. After I was ready and drank coffee before leaving, I just wanted to throw the clothes away. Unfortunately I had to drive home first. I also thought that I don't want to change those tyres a single time anymore. I just hate it, even being easy. Losing weight has some side effects as well, it seems. I'm feeling cold nowadays. I have to think more what should I wear as I won't be able to survive Finnish winter the same way I used to. My hands and feet are almost constantly cold. I was able to wear enough clothes